Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

Tigsteroonie

You are not stupid.
You are not fat.
You are not ugly.
And you are not a failure.

He, however, is a complete and utter d*ck.

So what if you are overweight? Many of us are! And we probably well out-number the people who smoke £100 cannabis a week. And excess weight doesn't make you stupid, ugly or a failure. Cannabis, on the other hand ...

Personally, I think you are well rid of this guy. But you have to stop letting him manipulate you.

Dollypop_2

I rarely comment on threads but I couldn't just click away from this one!!

He is giving you time to lose weight and change? That's very generous of him **sarcasm** How about you give him time to get over himself and deal with his drug addiction before deciding wether to take him back? What ever happened to loving someone for what was on the inside? After 13 years and 4 children he should be able to see past the exterior to the person inside.

This man sounds like a first class manipulator, he has made you believe you are the problem and he is the poor innocent party worn down by you, DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO MANIPULATE YOU ANY FURTHER. I pretty much guarantee you will be 100 times happier both emotionally and financially if you can evict this leech from your life!

Good luck xx

PeacefulWaters

£5,000 a year on drugs.

If anybody has failed her it is NOT you.

Getting away from this waster will have more than its fair share of turmoil.

But the tranquility and freedom you can enjoy afterwards will be worth it. Look to your future. It's waiting for you.

duchy

So he has spent years "Hiding" from life ..... and finally was persuaded to go to uni and is about to take his final exams and graduate....and is going to have to leave the safety of uni and step into the big world -with a degree and there are expectations of him (from you, his family, any friends he might have, the kids) and he is scared witless that everyone will find him out-That he can't get or hold a decent job as his drug (ab)use will prevent him ......and that frankly he doesn't want to. Why would he? He has a home, a wife, kids and he sits back and they run around him and he does bu$$er all. His wife is even sorting out her health and is looking good..... He's seeing all the control he has had over his life disappearing. He's not seeing graduating as an opening door but as the end of all his excuses. I bet he's telling you that all this trouble "you" are causing will cause him to fail his exams.......and yet again refuse to take any responsibility for his own actions.

If he disappeared tomorrow you'd be better off -financially and emotionally. The kids could still see him -but he doesn't have to come to your home to collect them-he could meet and drop them at a friends or family home . If he wants to be apart -agree - say you both need space. Call it a trial seperation - stop financing his drug habit and let him support himself at uni (he could even get a part time job) whilst you are apart. Fees are paid so he only has to support himself after all.

He wants to have his cake and eat it- regardless of the cost emotionally and financially to you and your children. He KNOWS you can cope without him and is trying to convince you that you can't. Hardly the actions of a man who loves his wife and family more than his drugs.

pukkamum

Oh my love I really feel for you, this man wants out of his marriage but he wants a) for you to feel responsible for the end of the marriage and b) for you to be constantly desperate for him to come back.


Your marriage isn't in trouble because of your weight or anything you have done, it's in trouble because he is a selfish, nasty drug addict!


Ask yourself this is this was your best friend or your daughter what would your advice be?


Stop allowing him to have this power over you, communicate only if it is necessary for the children finances etc.
You have stated you are doing well without him, well you will continue to do better and better and he won't like it but tough !!!!!!, he caused this situation not you.
Please be sensible about your weight loss, 1.5 to 2lb per week is the most you should be losing if you want to stay healthy and keep it off, consider a diet club, they are great places not only for weight loss but for meeting like minded people who will support you.


Keep a dignified silence as far as the kids are concerned, he may drip poison into their ears but they will see the truth eventually, so try not to slag dad off in front of them or convince them he is in the wrong, that will only confuse them.


Given his drug use especially the cannabis, chances are his interest in the children will wane, it will be too much effort for him, so all you can do is pick up the pieces whe he lets them down, which he will I'm afraid.


Keep strong, eat sensibly and keep a goal in mind, we all feel happier when we are working toward something.


Don't let him ruin the rest of yours and your children's life, ten years from now if you break free from this abusive relationship, you will wonder how you ever let him treat you that way.

sportbeth

I'm replying on the run but this guy sounds like a total, bullying loser and you should cut him off. Now. You deserve so much better and he's abusing a position of control with you.

Take back the control, tell him to get lost and stop allowing him to to and fro all the time and mess with your head!

thorsoak

Anyone want to hear good news?
Some of you may or may not remember my marriage dilemma years ago (when I married a guy who had cheated on me) then probably numerous comments on my struggle to get out and be free.

This week my divorce came through after what feels like 10 years worth of a big mistake. I'm over the moon! I feel like I've just got my identity back

It's all done and dusted, assets split, no need to ever speak to him forever more and no control from him ever again.

A big thank you to all the MSE forumites who kept me going on here all those years ago.


The above post was made by Sportsbeth, just a few minutes ago - and I've copied it over, to give you some hope, lost soul .....you can weather the storm and come through to the rainbow at the other side!

LannieDuck

He's abusive and controlling. He tells you to sell your car (instead of him giving up cannabis to pay his fees) and you do; now your children have to walk 6 miles to school and back. He tells you to lose weight and you do; he berates you for not doing it earlier.

He keeps changing his mind about whether he's taking the kids, about whether he's moving back in, about whether you're still together... as if it's his choice and his alone. It's not - you have a say in your own life. Do you really want to continue in a relationship with this man? Does he have any redeeming features?

If I were you, I would take a long break from the relationship. Ask him to move out properly, no more dinners or staying over when he feels like it (who's name is the house in?). Ask for CSA, arrange proper visiting times for the kids. Make him see what a break up would actually look like. He'll be begging for you to come back within no time... and then it really is your choice as to whether you want him anymore.

Incidentally, 10s of 1000s of university students every year make it through their final year dissertation without cannabis. What a weak excuse for a drug habit.

lostsoul75

He has agreed to marriage counselling, but then added "they will see that I have put everything into this marriage". Part of me wonders if this is a midlife crisis, as he will be turning 40 later this year. Or maybe it is this other woman? I feel I am going out of my mind over analyzing everything, in order to make sense of it all.

A week before he left he was telling me how much he was in love with me.

itzmee

OP, please listen to the advice on here. I spent 12 years with a man who had to have cannabis every day, or if he couldn't have that then he would manage with a bottle of strong cider :eek:. He was a controlling bully who would spend all our money on his habit. He would belittle me and tell me I couldn't manage without him if he left, that I was fat (I was just under 10 stone!), that no-one else would want me. He even tried to convince my mum that I had post natal depression (basically as I wasn't being a dutiful girlfriend and pandering to his every whim whenever he demanded!) I didn't have PND, I just had a total tw*t as a boyfriend! He eventually left and I managed just fine without him, in fact everyone commented on how well I was doing, how much better I looked - and he hated it! He would still try and control me but I got on with my life and moved upwards and onwards. He meanwhile spiralled downwards by living in a grotty 10th floor hovel, he didn't work and lived on benefits with every spare penny spent on his drink/drugs. He died 6 years ago at the age of 47 because of the lifestyle that he chose. Our son is now 18 and whilst he idolised his dad when he was younger, he now sees what a waste of space he actually was.


Your OH seems fixated on your weight for his graduation. It comes across that he is embarrassed by you and doesn't want his fellow graduates to see you like that - if he truly loved you then that wouldn't matter. He is putting you down instead of supporting you. He doesn't need cannabis to study, he needs it because he is a selfish pig who puts his own needs before those of his family. He has had his eyes opened to a different lifestyle with uni and wants to move on without you in it, even though you have been the one supporting him throughout this time. OP you deserve so much more, just believe in that.