Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

JIL

You are suffering from low self esteem. As such you are settling for anything.
He knows this and makes jibes about your weight and scar to remind you. But he is using you. The very fact he accepted you selling your car, which was not only for your benefit but also your children's and he did not have the money due to his drug habit, speaks volumes.
Be strong. Take the lead. Tell him enough is enough and work out a life without him.

PeacefulWaters

TopQuark wrote: »

Sorry to hear of your difficulties OP, but I imagine you already know what you need to do; you need to accept that the relationship is over and cut contact with this man (except for the sake of the children).

Whatsmore, I think you really need to address your weight issue as a matter of priority. As well as causing you psychological and emotional upset, it is also severely risking your physical health. 19 stone is 120kg and morbidly obese, unless you are 6 feet tall (and even then it is still obese). I would make an appointment with your GP and ask for advice on how to manage your weight down through diet and exercise as this issue is a more serious than trying to save your failed marriage; you may well be saving your own life. It will also give you something to focus on and distract you from your estranged husband's games.

Give her a break!

I'd hazard a guess that getting away from this loser will see the weight drop off once her life settles down.

BitterAndTwisted

A HUNDRED POUNDS A WEEK ON CANNABIS plus blowing other sums on cocaine?

Whatever your weight might be, you are not deserving of any of his abuse or of his manipulation of you and trying to blame all of his failings upon you.

Does he have any redeeming features at all? If he does, you appear not to have mentioned any.

Regardless of how insecure and unhappy I was feeling at the moment, I'd be giving serious thought about kicking his sorry @rse to the kerb. He's already gone really, so I wouldn't be offering him any hospitality whatsoever. And I most certainly wouldn't be funding his drug-taking. Let him earn his own drug-money or he can do without it!

lostsoul75

What hurts most is that he is blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. Said I have treated him like a doormat for years - all because he took the kids to school. Didn't respect him enough to lose weight. Didn't look right or dress properly for him etc.

It's like a switch has gone off on his head and he just wants to hate me. I am hurting more than I ever have in my whole life and feel as though my family is being torn apart.

BitterAndTwisted

I think you're hurting because you are coming to realise that he is a user and has little respect for you or your marriage. Of course he's blaming you for everything that's wrong! That's so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for any of it himself.

You've been trying to hold everything together on your own, making sacrifices and he's been doing his level best to sabotage it. He's a waste of space and you deserve much better than this

mummyroysof3

I know it's hard but channel your upset at him to anger because as far as I can see you are letting him treat you like a door may and it needs to stop. Not sure what helplines are open on a Saturday. Do you work? You need to make a list of what benefits to inform/claim now he no longer lives with you. Do you rent/own? Do you get tax credits?

lostsoul75

I feel like such a fat and ugly failure who has let her family down. I also feel very used, as it was me who encouraged him to go to Uni, as he never left the house for years. And now that he has a future, that involves success and through my support he is bailing on me and our family. Though he says that he has left me, and not the children.

paulineb_2

I'm just going to say, losing weight that quickly isn't going to be good for you. Surviving on nothing but lemon barley water and then being upset because you only lost 5 pounds this week. I appreciate that you are stressed but you'll make yourself ill if you don't eat and when you do start eating again, id be very surprised if you didn't gain it back.

If you need and want to lose weight, the person you do it for is yourself.

Stopping eating won't help, it might just put you back into the grip of another eating disorder.

TopQuark

I have to disagree, at least in part, with those who say that the weight issues are the least of the OP's problems. From what I can see, they are the biggest.

The OP's husband is treating her appallingly, but as someone said, this likely comes back to the weight issue - low self esteem means her standards are lowered and she's putting up with his k.r.a.p. On top of that, they are a real risk to her physical health (the point her husband made about having diabetes by 45 was harsh but very real).

If the OP was telling us she was smoking 40 a day, or drinking 10 bottles of wine a week, or down to 5 stone in weight, many people would rightly be telling her to address such issues immediately and that her own health issues come before her failure of a husband. The same applies here.

Sagz_2

lostsoul75 wrote: »

I have tried lots of methods to lose weight over the years. You name it I've done it. Including being referred for Bariatric surgery. I used to be Bulimic, but it went away when I was pregnant, but I developed a binge eating disorder when in the height of my PND.

Since he has left I have barely eating, and basically surviving on Robinsons lemon Barley water (weakly diluted). I had already started trying to lose weight mid January. Also, I am walking 6 miles a day taking the children to school.

All I can think of is losing weight. I only lost 5 pounds this week, and am pretty devastated to have lost so little.

He told me I would end up in a wheelchair at 45 with diabetes, and said sod that he isn't putting up with it anymore.

5lbs in a week?? I've had a gastric bypass and am losing half of that! As a yo yo dieter for more than 35 years I know losing weight quickly is not the answer, it will just come back (with more). Eat healthy and keep up with the walking and you will reach your goal.

As for his 'not putting up with it anymore' remark - he's playing you. He's trying to undermine what you have already achieved as he doesn't like the fact that you seem to be doing great without him.

He's a loser and you, and your children, deserve better.

A partner is supposed to support you, this guy is just dragging you down to his level. Don't let him.