Please can someone give me some advice. Husband left.

PeacefulWaters

lostsoul75 wrote: »

The truth is I am embarrassed. I feel like such a fat and ugly failure.

You've lost 15% of your body weight recently. That's real success. Failure? He's the failure. Not you.

I'm not that close to my family, and they have enough problems to deal with - so don't want to burden them. To be honest I am pretty much shutting everyone out, not that I have a lot of people around.

Don't burden them. Share the truth with them. That's not a burden. An outlet beyond the internet will do you good.

Vikipollard

lostsoul75 wrote: »

1. He is sitting on a First Class Honours just now, and seems obsessed with getting it. I really do not know how he will cope if he doesn't.

He has never been one to cope with pressure, and can't help but feel as though he is taking everything out on me. I guess it is my own fault for allowing him to do so.

2. I just don't understand how someone who I have spent almost a third of my life with, the father of my children, and who I thought was my best friend can treat me like this. The children are confused, and upset, and it is such a worrying and horrid time.

3. His family have totally frozen me out. They deem his cannabis use acceptable (his dad, and Grandfather were alcoholics too). Not one of them has bothered to contact me to ask how I am, which hurts, as I thought they were my family too.

1. - He'll do what he always does. Blame someone else (you if you stick around). It's time to formalise the separation so that he has the 'space' he claims he needs to study. Then when he falls on his face, it's a damn sight more difficult to blame anyone else wouldn't you say.


Change the locks at home. As others have said, he can wait on the pavement for the kids.


2. - He's an emotional abuser. It's who he is; started off violent (I believe from an earlier post?) who 'changed' to keep you and has become this no mark waster instead. Addiction is a CHOICE. He's made his.


I was 15 when I met my first husband. He was 19. He used to ridicule my weight (12st and size 14 at 5'9"), the fact that I was short-sighted (needed glasses, but too embarrassed to wear them with him and he'd sit somewhere in the pub where I couldn't see with people and make fun of me not being able to find him), ridiculed my cooking, make up, clothes. Yet he knew all those things when he started taking me out - why would you do that if you were so against fat (in his opinion), shortsighted people?


He was sexually abusive too (real charmer), but apparently I was frigid because I didn't like being torn apart. I put up with all this as he had me convinced no one else would want me. Just like the father of your kids has done to you.


At the 20 year point, I joined a gym, he sneered and said you won't stick to it. Twelve years on, I'm still there. I started kickboxing, he ridiculed that too. Got to Brown belt (one below Black).


I took all that garbage for 21 years before I walked out. In that last year I was 9.5 stone, Size 10 and fitter than him. He used every bit of hate against me, giving his side to our former friends and his family, even claiming that my new partner had attacked him (when it was the other way round, as witnessed by our kids). He even said it was my fault that the dog was depressed!


When he got the divorce papers he cried. There it was in glorious technicolour exactly what kind of a Grade Z lowlife he was. His new partner did not react well...


3. - His family have only had his side of the story. No doubt he has laid it on with spades how hard his life has been to deal with. They won't bother to contact you, but if you want to try to have a relationship with them at all, could you try speaking to his Mum? I say that as you mention other male relations also being oxygen-wasters. She is likely to be able to recognise a lot of what you have been through and maybe will want to offer support. You only have his word for their acceptance of his drug abuse - and we know how honest he is...


Don't be afraid to contact your family for help. They may have their own issues, but would you turn away if they came to you for help? Most of us would at least try to help.



Lastly - use £20 a month out of the £400 you won't be giving him to join a Slimming World class. It is amazing for your self esteem! The support is incredible; no one judges you (even on a gain week) and everyone is in the same position. They can help you to plan sensible eating which your kids will also love. I'm sure Weightwatchers are as good - I just have no experience of them!


I only lost weight when I did it for ME. All the time I did it for Version 1 husband I failed because I was so miserable and nothing I did was viewed (by him) as any good. I have a fantastic husband who loves me for who I am; warts and all. After leaving I did hit an all time emotional low (pretty much where you are now) and regained weight. My husband doesn't care what I weigh or what size I am; only how happy I am. I'm now about 10st 5, back in a size 10, love my glasses and have taught myself to cook from scratch - and we laugh together if it goes wrong! I had to build my confidence and self-respect from rock bottom, and so I know it can be done - and also just how hard it is to do.


(Hugs)

janb5

I would check with Citizens Advice re changing the locks. I too wanted to do this and was told that as my ex jointly owned the house, I couldn't do it However you could have a `faulty` lock and get the keys changed!


I would also speak to your children`s teachers as although it is awkward they do need to know that the children are going through a bad time which may impact on them at school.

sportbeth

A few words from someone who has been there. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better or ready to move on yet. It takes a lot of time, I knew in August of one year that I couldn't stay in the relationship that I was in but was still desperately in love with the idiot who had ruined our relationship. By December of that year my feelings had totally changed and I felt ready to move on. It just evolves over time and one day you will suddenly realise that you are ready and you don't really know when that stage of emotion happened.

Don't worry about his family thinking that he is a total saint. They will only see what he wants them to see. My ex-husband once looked me firmly in the eye and told me that he would kill me if I told his mother about his behaviour. She went to her grave thinking that I was the bad guy.

But a piece of advice from one of my friends at the time was very useful. Tell at least one person who is close to you that things are going wrong, tell them the whole story. You don't know when or if you might need to call on the support of a friend, whether it is for them to witness any potential for a violent outbreak or just to pop round and put you back together. That person for me was my Dad. I didn't want to worry him but I was glad that I told him what my plans were and had his backing. I also felt at the time as though I had lifted a huge weight by just telling one person.


My ex husband was an alcoholic and was very manipulative (to the point where I married him even after discovering his first affair.) If yours is the same then you need to brace yourself for a long mental battle of wills with him. At the moment he feels as though he has the upper hand and that is him in his comfort zone. The second that you take control back, the man-child will come out and he will try everything and anything to get you back in the place that he likes to have you in. That sounds confusing even though your OH has already told you that this is over but in his eyes it isn't. He's just trying to manipulate you again by telling you it's over (been there, done that) you need to start to think strategically and get inside his head, then you can work out how to fight it for your own sanity.


I think its clear to all of us reading on here that there is no future for you with this guy, in time that will turn out to be the best course of events for you and your children but at the moment it is the deepest darkest place in the world to be for you. But believe me when I say that from the moment you start to fight back and get on with your life you will start to feel better.

You will never regret what you are about to do, you can only regret staying in the situation. And in 20 years time if you are still there you will weep for the life that you could have had if you hadn't stayed with him. Even more importantly when you tell the story 5 years down the line, people will ask you why on earth you stayed for so long and you will have no answer to that.


You're doing all the right things at the moment, you just have to cut off his ability to speak to you at his whim and bingo! there's you taking control. Its a simple as that. Very quickly you will start to see him in a different light and start to see the baby steps you need to make to a happy and peaceful future.

JIL

"Sometimes you just have to give up on someone, not because you dont care, but because they dont".

Vicky123

sportbeth wrote: »

You will never regret what you are about to do, you can only regret staying in the situation. And in 20 years time if you are still there you will weep for the life that you could have had if you hadn't stayed with him. Even more importantly when you tell the story 5 years down the line, people will ask you why on earth you stayed for so long and you will have no answer to that.

This^ You never get the time back, don't let him steal anymore, the children won't be little for ever, if you can't get angry for yourself then get angry for them and what he's putting you all through.

margaretk

Please - listen to all the advice given above. Show this loser the door and tell him to grow up and start looking after himself and that you are not giving him any more money or paying any more of his debts. Take yourself off to Citizen's Advice to see what benefits you are entitled to and then join a Slimming Club to lose weight more sensibly. Your children are more important than your husband so make them your main priority.

Good luck - always remember tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

meer53

OP, i'm another one who has been where you are now.

Controlling husband who moaned constantly about my weight.

I kicked him out 12 years ago after finding out he'd had an affair. But this was after i'd stupidly spent a year trying to lose weight so he'd come back. I did lose weight, 2 stones in 6 weeks, but then he always found some other reason to say i was stupid and kick my self esteem into the gutter yet again.

Just like you, i felt it was all my fault, it was my fault he'd had an affair (his words) and on and on.............

Do you know what ? You should look at all the responses to your thread. Can you find one that says he's right ?

No, you can't. Because he's not. He's a controlling bully of a weasel, you and your children deserve more than this. You deserve to be happy, whatever you weigh, and to love yourself.

It took me nearly 2 years to get over my ex leaving, i took it one day at a time. It was terrible some days. I didn't leave the house, i had to take 4 months off work. But slowly, i began to realise that i was far better off without him. My kids felt the same way too, after he'd gone, my son (he was 15 at the time) said he was glad he had left.

I now have my self esteem back, i still need to lose weight but i love myself, whatever my size. He was the one with a weight problem, not me.

Please, stay strong and don't let him back into your life, you will regret it if you do. I can guarantee it. Give it time, day by day you will see what we are all saying. xx

paddy's_mum

lostsoul75 wrote: »

he just wants to hate me

No, sweetheart - he hates himself but cannot allow himself to see it and in his mind, you've got a huge D for doormat written across your forehead.

You are aware, I'm sure, that drug use irreperably destroys brain cells!

If you are indeed so god-damned awful, then he will surely be perfectly happy to plan, shop, pay, cook and feed himself and not be looking to you to fund or orchestrate fulfilling his so-called needs. Keep every penny for yourself and your children and leave him to find out that friends of your calibre are hard to find. Wish I had you as my best, most loyal mate.

On the caesarean scar front - think on this. Your scar may be visible and obvious and most people would just be thankful that either you or the baby were saved from risk and tragedy. His scars aren't visible but they are far, far more deadly than any imperfection of the skin.

Chin up, keep strong and good luck.

preciousillusions

Wow, this breaks my heart . The way you talk about yourself is horrible and you don't deserve any of this . I am so sorry. You are so much better off without him hon. Please hold on and try to see that he is the one in the wrong here, not you, you've done nothing at all that justifies the way he has been treating you xx