Wedding dilemma

GobbledyGook

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Apart from asking if they can bring other people, what other demands do people make of the bride and groom?

One of the reasons we had a small wedding was the comments and demands from other people.

People want a say in the food (and not in an 'I'm allergic to....' way, but more general fussiness). Then you have the guestlist, which as you can see even by the varying views on this thread can be a nightmare. That's before you get onto who should or shouldn't be in the bridal party.

Weddings (and babies) seem to be the time where people forget their manners imo. It's bad enough when you have your family insisting that Great Aunt Mabel and her children MUST be invited even though you haven't seen any of them for 10 years without your friend getting stroppy that his wife, that you don't even know, should be invited even though that means not inviting someone you are close too.

It's not compulsory to accept and invitation. If you don't like the venue, the food, the groom or the fact that it's a small wedding and your OH isn't invited then don't go.

Georgiegirl256

GobbledyGook wrote: »

One of the reasons we had a small wedding was the comments and demands from other people.

People want a say in the food (and not in an 'I'm allergic to....' way, but more general fussiness). Then you have the guestlist, which as you can see even by the varying views on this thread can be a nightmare. That's before you get onto who should or shouldn't be in the bridal party.

I've never known anyone personally make any demands on food (apart from allergies and being Vegetarian), that's just rude if people do that.

Weddings (and babies) seem to be the time where people forget their manners imo. It's bad enough when you have your family insisting that Great Aunt Mabel and her children MUST be invited even though you haven't seen any of them for 10 years without your friend getting stroppy that his wife, that you don't even know, should be invited even though that means not inviting someone you are close too.

But that's the demands of your family saying you must invite so and so, NOT of the actual guests who have been invited. That's before the wedding.

It's not compulsory to accept and invitation. If you don't like the venue, the food, the groom or the fact that it's a small wedding and your OH isn't invited then don't go.

Exactly, like someone else mentioned, it isn't a summons. If I was the OP's wife, I would be wondering why everyone rose was invited but not me though. The thing is, the OP for some reason is drip feeding us the information, and it's starting to make me think that this thread is all one big windup. If it is true, maybe there is a very good reason why she hasn't been invited....but he's not offering much info, just asking questions.

TopQuark

This is a very interesting thread, since we are getting married on the 7th of June and have just sent the invitations out.

For us, we have invited both people where the friend/family member is in a relationship, but only the friend/family member where they are single (a couple of exceptions have been made for those who don't know anyone else except for us). I think this is reasonable and am happy with it, as is OH.

As with most things, it's all about finding the middle way with weddings and striking a balance. On one hand, if you want people to share your day with you, then you need to be accommodating to their needs and wishes. On the other hand, it is your special day and you cannot please everyone, so you also need to know where to draw the line on accommodating their needs.

Using my own experience as an example; we are getting married in the south of France. This is because OH is from the south of France. Although it would have been nice to get married at home in the UK, we live in Switzerland and the logistics of arranging a wedding abroad when you need to fly (indirect) back and forth are just too difficult (it's hard enough as it is and we are only a 4 hour drive away here). This means that all of my family and friends who wish to attend need to book flights and accommodation and a day off work. For this reason, we have paid for their accommodation on the night of the wedding. We've also paid for the bar for the whole event and the lunch on the following day to make it more affordable. In addition we have hired a coach to move the UK guests between airports, accomodation, venue etc. We also modified the menu - OH wanted cuisses de grenouille for the starter - which I also really like, but I said no as I just know many of the UK guests wouldn't eat it. The compromise is that it will be one of the canapes during the vin d'honneur/cocktail

However, we needed to draw the line somewhere and thus we have excluded children. We don't have any of our own (yet) and to try to accommodate their needs in addition to their parents is just too hard and expensive (at least for the UK guests anyway). In addition we have tried to encourage people to all take the same couple of flights, rather than arriving and leaving at various times. It is just not possible to arrange and pay for private transfers for all of the guests between the venue and airport as it's a two-hour round trip. We feel this is reasonable and if anyone doesn't, well then they are free to decline the invitation.

So far I have been delighted at the number of people who have confirmed and who are willing to fly abroad to be with us - quite touched I am really. We are determined to make it a wonderful day both for ourselves and our guests!

GobbledyGook

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Exactly, like someone else mentioned, it isn't a summons. If I was the OP's wife, I would be wondering why everyone rose was invited but not me though. The thing is, the OP for some reason is drip feeding us the information, and it's starting to make me think that this thread is all one big windup. If it is true, maybe there is a very good reason why she hasn't been invited....but he's not offering much info, just asking questions.

Some of the guests were as bad as OH's family (I'm "lucky" in that respect. I had 2 grandparents, 1 Aunt and 2 cousins on my "side"). Can I bring my boyfriend? Can I bring my girlfriend? I'll be bored, can I bring a pal? One of his cousins didn't come after RSVP'ing as we had to phone her the night before the wedding after hearing from another cousin that she was planning on bringing her boyfriend. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend! She didn't come and her parents mumphed and moaned all day about how rude we were for not letting their 18yo bring her boyfriend of a month.

The original issue wasn't about everyone else being invited. Personally (and sorry OP if this is unfair), but I think that's an add on because they didn't like the fact that some people didn't see the harm in his wife not being invited.

If his wife IS the only person not invited then he has bigger issues than the invitation tbh. If that is the case I'm sure he'll know why if he sat down and thought about it because pointedly not inviting one person is usually done with a good reason (yep that meant you Uncle Ted - you weren't invited because of your belief that no wedding is complete without a punch up!)

valk_scot

TopQuark wrote: »

This is a very interesting thread, since we are getting married on the 7th of June and have just sent the invitations out.

For us, we have invited both people where the friend/family member is in a relationship, but only the friend/family member where they are single (a couple of exceptions have been made for those who don't know anyone else except for us). I think this is reasonable and am happy with it, as is OH.

As with most things, it's all about finding the middle way with weddings and striking a balance. On one hand, if you want people to share your day with you, then you need to be accommodating to their needs and wishes. On the other hand, it is your special day and you cannot please everyone, so you also need to know where to draw the line on accommodating their needs.

Using my own experience as an example; we are getting married in the south of France. This is because OH is from the south of France. Although it would have been nice to get married at home in the UK, we live in Switzerland and the logistics of arranging a wedding abroad when you need to fly (indirect) back and forth are just too difficult (it's hard enough as it is and we are only a 4 hour drive away here). This means that all of my family and friends who wish to attend need to book flights and accommodation and a day off work. For this reason, we have paid for their accommodation on the night of the wedding. We've also paid for the bar for the whole event and the lunch on the following day to make it more affordable. In addition we have hired a coach to move the UK guests between airports, accomodation, venue etc. We also modified the menu - OH wanted cuisses de grenouille for the starter - which I also really like, but I said no as I just know many of the UK guests wouldn't eat it. The compromise is that it will be one of the canapes during the vin d'honneur/cocktail

However, we needed to draw the line somewhere and thus we have excluded children. We don't have any of our own (yet) and to try to accommodate their needs in addition to their parents is just too hard and expensive (at least for the UK guests anyway). In addition we have tried to encourage people to all take the same couple of flights, rather than arriving and leaving at various times. It is just not possible to arrange and pay for private transfers for all of the guests between the venue and airport as it's a two-hour round trip. We feel this is reasonable and if anyone doesn't, well then they are free to decline the invitation.

So far I have been delighted at the number of people who have confirmed and who are willing to fly abroad to be with us - quite touched I am really. We are determined to make it a wonderful day both for ourselves and our guests!

Sounds great. Can I come? I'll eat anything and I'm happy to leave OH and the kids at home!

PolishBigSpender

catkins wrote: »

I thought this was just normal for a wedding.

Exactly, it should be normal.
We put the single people on the invitations by themselves, but gave them an option of taking a +1. It's only polite. Of course, everyone in a relationship was invited with their partner, I wouldn't dream of doing it any other way.

PolishBigSpender

sulphate wrote: »

Maybe it's just the way your post is written, or do you think that all single people should be given the option to bring a +1 to a wedding?

Yes, all adults should be given an option to bring a +1. It's only polite.

orangeslimes

A friend of mine hasn't issued plus 1s for her wedding etc except for people who are actually married. This is partly because the venue is really small, but I think part of it is because she doesn't really like the boyfriend of another friend of mine (although it's also a bit of an on-off relationship). She has told everyone this before sending out invitations though, and I can see why she wouldn't want to give up a space in her wedding venue for a friend's boyfriend who she doesn't know and who doesn't sound like the nicest person either.

She is going to give me a plus one with my invitation as I'm a bridesmaid, but I wouldn't have minded if she hadn't. It's sort of awkward as I've only been going out with my boyfriend for a few months and had to book accommodation - and I was a bit unsure whether to invite him both in the sense of will we still be together, and also because he has never met my friend, and its unlikely he will before the wedding, and he also (probably) won't know or have met any of the guests so I am a bit worried he will be bored/feel awkward.

I'm not really sure just because you are a couple you should be invited, but I can understand reasons why people might feel like that. The op's friend could have good reasons, its hard to know.

Whole thing is a minefield. If I ever get married I wonder if it would be better just to run off to the Registry Office, or only invite your parents or something...seems like such a hassle.

Stephb1986_2

We have 25 days before our wedding day and our invites went out in November. It took us quite some time to choose our guest list as we only have 50 people including us so it's quite a small wedding. A lot of my h2b's friends have partners but not married some of them have kids with these partners so thought it was only fair to invite them as a couple. Out of 6 of the lads only 1 of them is bringing their girlfriend the others have either split up or they can't get a childminder.

The best man is single and didn't want to have a plus 1 so we didn't give him one but his brother and partner is coming and his mum and dad along with a few other friends

If I was you I would turn down the invitation for the full day and ask if you and your wife could possibly attend just the evening? We've had a few requests like that which has been a better option for us so we can put an evening guest in their place.

Good luck making your decision weddings are a total minefield!

Steph x

arbroath_lass

orangeslimes wrote: »

I'm not really sure just because you are a couple you should be invited, but I can understand reasons why people might feel like that. The op's friend could have good reasons, its hard to know.

Just because you're invited as a couple doesn't mean you have to go as a couple, though. If your partner/spouse doesn't want to go because they don't know anyone else (or any other reason) you simply say, "Thanks, I'd love to come but it'll be just me".