Someone has been withdrawing from my CC terrified is OH

Macca83_2

bigadaj wrote: »

I think we're at cross purposes here.

Och probably

Monkeyballs

Hi LM,

Maybe I'm being naive, perhaps because I've never been in this position but what was your partners reaction to you having contacted the police?

You mention that he flared up when you asked him about it a second and then third time but I can understand that to a degree if you were stressing about it and he felt like he was being accused...

To be honest, it does sound like it is him and if it is then the police will find out but if it isn't and you've done something rash?

It's been a few hours since you posted, have you got any further? I really am sorry to ask, I feel like I'm prying on something which you perhaps shouldn't have posted just yet but I like others want to help in any way we can x

MB

meer53

poet123 wrote: »

I think the details do point towards your OH, but it is possible to have a chip and pin card cloned. It has happened to us 3 times. The last time they booked flights with it, and ordered from an online shop so there must have been a delivery address. We were repaid by the bank each time.

You were repaid because the transactions weren't PIN verified. The PIN isn't needed for online transactions.

You can't withdraw cash from an ATM without a PIN.

The OP's transactions were cash withdrawals so the PIN was used with the card. The OP will more than likely be held liable for the transactions.

asharon

Its not too harsh to say leave him if he's lying tho really.

I mean if someone else stole it thats horrible and how weird they followed your OH to London, some thiefs eh.

Monkeyballs

asharon wrote: »

Its not too harsh to say leave him if he's lying tho really.

I mean if someone else stole it thats horrible and how weird they followed your OH to London, some thiefs eh.

I think it is if you don't understand the circumstances, that's assuming it is him...

If all of his money goes into a joint account which is used to pay the bills and he never/rarely uses money from that account and he has known money issues which if not properly confronted won't go away on their own.

One thing I'm not 100% clear on (and I may have missed a post) is this £4k of debt which has been built up and needs to be repaid or is this £4k of transactions which have since been repaid and it's just a recent check through old statements which has brought it to light?

Say for example if the guy has a gambling problem, this could be what it takes for it to come out in the open and that is something that you can work through assuming the relationship is felt to be strong enough to be worth working through?

MB

bigadaj

Macca83 wrote: »

Och probably

Chwarae teg.

Macca83_2

bigadaj wrote: »

Chwarae teg.

Had to look that one up

Katgrit

Hi LM,

I was in a very similar situation when I was 20. My fiance has stolen some money from where he worked. Everything was cash with no recipts, so there wasn't any proof of actual takings and hence no proof of what he'd actually taken. He denied it was him and I so wanted it not to be, thought he'd been victim of a witch hunt. The staff wanted the police called in, but the management refused - the allegations made local papers at the time and they wanted it hushed up. The police couldn't do anything without managements cooperation.

We were engaged and I was planning our wedding for 3 months later. There were a few little other things I'd managed to get past and forgive. He eventually owned up to "borrowing" £200 from petty cash, and said the manager had agreed to it off the record. He had his suspicions about who might have been light fingered and stolen some, if not all, of the missing takings. Now it had been discovered he'd had to pay his "loan" back immediately and so I wrote a cheque and head held high I strode into his work place and straight to the finance office. He'd been made a scapegoat and everyone was assuming he was a thief, when it was all ok "off the record". He was doing the honesty thing by paying his unofficial loan off immediately. And all these judgemental people, his colleagues, my friends who'd heard and disowned me, they didn't have a clue. He was being honest and we were being condemned. Evil untrusting people all thinking the worst! tisk tisk! Anyway, I was very c0cky and arrogant about it and handed the cheque over and said "That'll be it now I assume?" and the lady said "Yes, and on the first of every month until the rest is repaid". The bottom dropped out of my world. I burst into tears, she obviously realised I didn't have a clue and called the finance manager. He took me to his office and showed my a signed confession, in my fiance's own handwriting, that he'd taken £2000 and would agree to pay it back on condition the police weren't called in. There was no unofficial loan. The company was a very small one, knew my fiance well and realised that he had money troubles (looking back I thing it went on cocaine and recreational drugs), didn't want to get him trouble, and that this was the best chance of getting their money back. (a friend later admitted they had looked into the annual reports and £12,000 was missing that year so he could actually have taken A LOT more than what he confessed to). The finance manager was furious that my fiance had lied to me and sent me in to his workplace without me knowing. I got outside in floods of tears, my world in pieces, a wedding 3 months away and phoned my fiance. He told him I'd paid his £200 back and did he have anything else he needed to tell me. "No". He denied it all, until I said I'd spoken to Chris and seen his signed confession and agreement to pay. Silence.

LM, i know I'm waffling here, but I think you're struggling more with moving forward with your relationship than you are with the missing money. I didn't do it immediately, it still took me a few months, but I finally realised that I couldn't be with a liar. During a marriage, or any relationship there are hard times and diffuculties that need to be overcome and worked on and "got past" - be it infidelity, reduncancy, berevement etc. If he'd come to me and said he'd done something stupid and had syphoned off £2000 (or £12000 who knows!) and was now in deep doo-do, we could have pulled together and repaid the money, possibly cancelled the wedding, made excuses to family and friends and worked through it as a couple. But in lying to me he was preventing that. How could we have a successful partnership if I was only ever dealing with half the cards? I could not work through things with someone who wasn't walking alongside me. As I said, it still took me a few months, but I finally saw the light. I once heard the phrase "I'd rather be friends with a thief than a liar" and that's so so true. With a thief you know what to expect, they will rob off you, so you an guard against that by keeping your possessions safe - but with a liar you don't know where you stand at all, you don't know what's true and in what aspect of your life you could have the rug pulled from under you. Calling the wedding off was heart breaking but was the best decision I ever made. By sheer coincidence I made friends with a girl in my new job and she invited me to her wedding which was on the very same day, at the other church in our town. I spent most of the day getting very drunk and crying. I occasionally bump into him on facebook via mutual friends, and although the jealously of how well hes done in life when he left me in debt and shattered still grates at me I'm just so so glad I'm not tied to a man who couldn't be honest with his future wife, and I'm not blindly living a facade of a relationship.

LM, I really do feel your pain. Its taken me a lot to write this because a lot of my friends and family still don't know the truth. The fact that all these transactions are with PIN rather than online, andlocal except for one in London when he was there speaks volumes. The money can be paid back, but you have to look at what your husband says. At the moment you're talking about whether you can forgive and get past this, but at the moment he's not made the step of being honest with you. Can you move forward with someone who refuses to take his head out of the sand? In his head the battle is to make you believe him, not to deal with things. He has a very different priority than you. Can you live with a man who puts his own need to save face befor a) you as an individual and b) your relationship together? I couldn't.

The_Boss

Katgrit - well done on not putting up with it and sharing your experience. It must have taken a lot of courage to do both. I think you sum this up perfectly - being in a relationship with a thief is one thing, but a liar is another.

DCFC79

OP have you cancelled the card ?