If I don't move, he will leave me....

bagpussbear

I can see both sides here.

Your husband feels that ‘time is running out’ and he wants to finish his days somewhere where he loves. As you say that might be the last 30 years! But that’s how he sees it.

I am a Londoner, and moved up to West Yorkshire in 2012, I have spent probably the last 10 years wanting to move out of London, so I understand (somewhat) his desire to get out.

On the other hand, you are happy with what London offers you – close proximity neighbours, close to work, hobbies, friends, schools. Basically it suits you to be there at the moment. From your point of view, he isn’t willing to compromise anything for you.

Something has to give, one way or another.

My opinion might go against others here, but putting a different perspective on it, how about this: actually go with his suggestion and let him move to the countryside, and let him buy you a house in London. And see how it goes? I would foresee that 4 things could happen:

a) He will be lonely on his own and wish to come back – his dream of living in the countryside looks rather less interesting without his wife and kids by his side.
b) You may find that when you visit him, you love the area and change your mind about moving
c) You are both happy living your separate lives, and carry on the arrangement
d) You both are unhappy with the situation, and decide to split up.

I would say that it’s better to move when the kids are young. Was there any discussion about future moving plans when you got together/married, or do you feel this has suddenly been sprung on you?

bagpussbear

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

I'm sorry but where on earth is the countryside noisy? I only ever hear the faint trotting of deer.

That sounds lovely, I'd love to live where you live then

[Deleted User]

You'd be looking at at least 50 minutes (e.g. from Hitchin), but allowing for traffic, it could be much more. I do know someone who lives there and works in Islington.

It sounds like he wants to live in the middle of forest away from humanity, and he's being a grumpy old sod about it

I hope he knows that these places of 'outstanding natural beauty' can be quite expensive to live in

paulineb_2

freeisgood wrote: »

Had another heart to heart with hubby, he is not living in London no matter what. 100%

He said it is not a threat, as I can stay in London with the kids if I so wish.

I mentioned Hertford, he is disappointed as that is too near London. He wants us to try the Chilterns, Goodness knows what the commute to crouch end area is like. I would have to do that 3 or 4 days per week. I am prepared to move. But very worried about it.

I actually think before you move you really need to sort out the fact that hes given you an ultimatum of we move or Im leaving you.

That really isnt a good basis on starting out somewhere new. For you or for your kids.

Is he retired, semi retired? If he is retired hes not having to think about a commute (I'll need to read back the thread, I read part of it when I was on my phone earlier), you will need to think about the commute.

I personally dont think a 45 min commute is excessive and I worked in a job for 5 years where I did an hour commute, was longer at night due to bus connections if I were working late, could sometimes be more than 90 mins. An hour to me is do able, anything more than that Id personally be wanting the journey to be as smooth as possible, express train etc. I do realise that sometimes people do commute long distances for work and dont have much choice, but you are going to have to meet halfway on this.

At the moment its move or Im leaving you and certain suggestions hes not happy about because its too near London.

To be honest, Id be tempted to stay where you are, let him move and see one another at weekends or 3 days a week if you can manage to work a 4 day week.

If you do move and the travel to work is going to become problematic, the obvious solution is to start jobhunting. I really dont think presenting you with an ultimatum is the way to sort this matter out.

Norma_Desmond

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

I'm sorry but where on earth is the countryside noisy? I only ever hear the faint trotting of deer.

The only time I hear anything but the wind and waves is when the Pembrokeshire Earlies (new potatoes) are first harvested; distant tractors everywhere - and lorries from London coming to pick up the spuds.........:D

balletshoes

freeisgood wrote: »

I think the problem is we are both digging our heel in.

We have just had a heated discussion in front of the kids, thats why i posted on line. My husband is a lovely man but very stubborn. Would he really up and leave? I just don't know!


Even early this morning my son asked me , please can i stay at my school as I love my best friend (he is 4!).


I have it really good at the mo,
I am angry that my husband thinks that a 30 min or 45 min commute each way is perfectly fine,
and that i should be made of sterner stuff, and other people put up with it.

I thought you were talking hours of a commute each way each day - on its own, this wouldn't be a problem that couldn't be overcome to me (its what I used to do every day without thinking about it).

Is there no way you can both compromise so you're both happier with the situation, at least until your kids leave school/are ready to move schools?

pukkamum

When I desperately wanted to move back up north, dh is a southerner, if really was as serious as me doing it without him if he wouldn't, that's how strongly I felt.
my stepdad refused to move back to the isle of skye with his first wife, she went anyway taking his son and he lamented that decision til the day he died, he lost his son and the woman he loved.
You really have to work out which if you feels the strongest.
From what I can gather he has done the London thing and clearly hates it, is it not only fair you try the countryside, if you hate it you can reassess.
It is fear of the unknown stopping you rather than a desperate need to be in London, would you move if his job required it and you had no other decent income?

this seems to have become more of a power struggle than a life decision.

p.s apply for escape to the country bbc 1 you never know they may be able to help.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Friends whose parents shipped them out to the back of beyond all say they hated it, so picked universities as far away as possible - and never went back, having planned their escapes from about the age of 11.

Even the ones who were born in rural areas say it's all very well when you're five, but as you get older, there's just not enough to do if you're not into ponies.


Anyway - you're married and have children. You'd be entitled to a significant share of the marital assets in the case of divorce. Would he be able to buy an overpriced house in the middle of 'I want to play at being a country person Land' with his share of a divorce settlement?

thorsoak

http://www.visitchilterns.co.uk/
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/find.html?locationIdentifier=REGION%5E71733&maxPrice=400000&minBedrooms=3&maxBedrooms=5&displayPropertyType=houses&oldDisplayPropertyType=houses&radius=10.0&googleAnalyticsChannel=buying

Well - there are you - have a browse at these websites!

Morglin

freeisgood wrote: »

I am married to a man who is quite a lot older than me so he will be retiring within the next few years, we have two young children.

I know he has hated london for a long time, but we have met and lived in the London suburbs for 10 years, now. He has got to the point where he wants to move out of london. Unless we can buy a detached house, surrounded by greenery (which we can't as too expensive), he wants out of London.

Now, I drive to work 10 mins away, I am part time self employed, our kids are at an outstanding primary school, my family and freinds are nearby, all my hobbies are a few moments away....you get my point. My whole life and kids lives are here.

I would put up with living in a modest 3 bed semi to keep what we have.
My husband hates London, hates suburbia, absolutely hats semi's, and keeps on suggesting hertfordshire, bedfordshire, chilerns etc. Even these he sees as a compromise, as he would prefer somerset etc...

This makes me sick to the stomach as it would mean no London Life, no museums galleries, art classes etc. And a long commute to work.

I am in a weak position, because he has his own house at the moment that will fund the move. We are renting in a different part of north london at present in the area i grew up in. He has told me in no uncertain terms, that if I don't move, he will buy a small house to live in himself and leave me and the kids in London (buy us a small property.)

I want to be with my husband, he can't stand London, but I can't bear leaving London. I feel he is not being realistic, but he says he wants his "last years" in a place he wants to be! Yeah, the next 30 yrs!

I am seriously depressed over this, it is affecting my work, I just stay in bed when I can. I am shaking just typing this.

We are in stale mate at the mo.

But I know it is my own problem and no one elses, just good to get it out!

I've got no answer yo the actual dilemma, but perhaps your husband hasn't thought through the downside of moving to the country, in advancing years!

My DH, although a Londoner, is the same, doesn't like London, and, for various reasons, we lived in Sussex villages for a few years.

I hated it anyway, but there are many practical reasons why it's not always a good idea.

Villages can be nice to look at, but we found bus services once a day, weekdays only, and train services non existent, hospitals closing so we had to travel miles for treatment or visiting, GP surgery off the beaten track, local shops all closed down, so miles for even the silliest of things.....and the list goes on....:eek:

All of the above are fine when you are young, fit and able to drive - but, as you get older, this may change, and then you end up miles from anywhere, and no way to get there!

Finally, DH saw all this for himself, as I am no longer allowed to drive (health), and he saw how isolated I would be, as would he, if he had needed to give up the car, and we compromised by moving back to where there are local services, but also somewhere within about 20 minutes of wide open spaces.

Perhaps pointing out the reality of getting older might make him think a bit?

Health does tend to decline, the older you are, although I realise that some people drive well into old age.

But, you need to think carefully about what is best for you and the kids, tbh.

Lin