Any women close to 50 can advise?

Vicky123

It seems though that the abusive mother does have a hold over OP, that being money. I still insist no amount of money is worth enduring abuse, possible OP is thinking she's put up with it all these years so is trying to limp through.
How may more years though? Don't know how old the mother is but at 50 OP needs to start living on her own terms and not be bought till goodness knows when.
I would like to know if the OP needs this money or just wants it as an entitlement.
Why is mother and solicitor telling OP she is getting X amount in a will anyway? I know someone who spent their entire life telling their children how well they would do when she was gone and still left nothing!
The best thing imo is to live your life as you would where there no money to potentially inherit.

Georgiegirl256

Vicky123 wrote: »

It seems though that the abusive mother does have a hold over OP, that being money. I still insist no amount of money is worth enduring abuse, possible OP is thinking she's put up with it all these years so is trying to limp through.
How may more years though? Don't know how old the mother is but at 50 OP needs to start living on her own terms and not be bought till goodness knows when.
I would like to know if the OP needs this money or just wants it as an entitlement.
Why is mother and solicitor telling OP she is getting X amount in a will anyway? I know someone who spent their entire life telling their children how well they would do when she was gone and still left nothing!
The best thing imo is to live your life as you would where there no money to potentially inherit.

Best post on here yet. :T

lostinrates

Vicky123 wrote: »

It seems though that the abusive mother does have a hold over OP, that being money. I still insist no amount of money is worth enduring abuse, possible OP is thinking she's put up with it all these years so is trying to limp through.
How may more years though? Don't know how old the mother is but at 50 OP needs to start living on her own terms and not be bought till goodness knows when.
I would like to know if the OP needs this money or just wants it as an entitlement.
Why is mother and solicitor telling OP she is getting X amount in a will anyway? I know someone who spent their entire life telling their children how well they would do when she was gone and still left nothing!
The best thing imo is to live your life as you would where there no money to potentially inherit.

I'm staggered a solicitor would discuss this tbh. I'm not sure how ethical or allowable it is at all.


IFAs ime always say not to consider any potential inheritance unless the person has died and the will read but not yet paid out. Its a bonus not a right.

Personally, my opinion is one cannot have a cake and eat it. If one wants the right to stand up for oneself and call time on some conversations and treatment then one must accept the consequences. As the consequences aren't something that can be controlled anyway, I think choosing to control as much as possible how we allow interactions with difficult family members etc is, for me a priority.


I am NOT fifty, I am in my thirties. With great regret, and no less love, I no longer speak to one family member. It hurts often, I think about the person often and miss them keenly. But the bad times were as bad as the good times were good and the impact on my life too unbalancing to be healthy, for them and others as well as me IMO. Others I remain in regular contact with, more than I would like really. Not for money, no way, in fact, when the inheritance issue is used as a tool of control or bribery or carrot as OP seems to have bought into I say....spend it or put it into a trust to safe guard future of (person I am no longer in contact with). Its not a driving force for me, not because more money wouldn't be nice, of course it would solve a lot of problems! But it would also create a lot more emotional conflicts. My soul, my pride and my ability to see things unfettered my any 'compensation' are worth more than that to me.



I would also like to say as the child of someone whose mental health has suffered, i think you are quite harsh on your son. He's copying a pattern of behaviour you have been equally responsible for showing him. If you continue to act like a doormat ( for what ever motivation, whether its inheritance, or habit, or whatever) he will have his learned behaviour around that and his own frustrations hurts and resentments about a situation too. Sometimes being the child, even the adult child, of someone with mental health problems, is stressful too. Your daughter too, probably seeks stability and calm and light in her life.

If you can be kind to your self some times, and kind in your feelings towards others, with time it might help a bit.

You are not invisible.

Former_MSE_Andrea

Hi everyone

The OP has clearly stated she has no intention of suicide so let's leave discussion of that now.

Let's get back on topic now and help the OP.

Thanks

vanessav

'My son has turned into his father and is very controlling, walks in to my house and takes things, even though nit was awarded to me (the equity anyway) in the divorce. Does everything for my mother, but does nothing for me, apart from asking me to have his children and his dog- the only time I hear from him.'[/QUOTE]

Susan, for someone with your experiences it can be common to actually feel victimised (for want of a better word) by your own children. Your son is taking you for granted, which lots of children (young and grown up) do. And he is taking the p!ss! Again, lots of kids do it. He clearly has no anxiety about upsetting you which is kind-of a good sign that you are not a 'difficult' mother. And he trusts you with his children and dog.
So please don't get your son's behaviour out-of-proportion. Treat his taking the p!ss as an irritant! And try not to let it upset you.

SlimmingSusan

This thread has been very helpful in places, very helpful and supportive, but for the people talking about suicide please go away to another thread. The one thing I never lose is hope and my mental health support workers call me tenacious, and from that point of view are a massive support, as they know I will take their help and advice on board, as I am doing from the amazing positive posts on here. THIS THREAD IS NOT ANYTHING ABOUT SUICIDE, and I would request any suggestions in that direction to be removed appropriately.


Now I will go back and read the many positive, helpful posts. I am very fragile. Thank you all so much.

SlimmingSusan

She would have hated any kid she had mothered. It is the same with your mother.


This really resonated with me Vanessa, as have a lot of the helpful posts I am ploughing through.

poet123

Susan, I really feel for you. I did not read any of what was commented upon in your OP. I read comments from someone who thinks they are floundering, and who is seeking direction and purpose.

You seem to have a lot going for you. Bravery, doing a degree as a mature student is hard and brave, you have done that. Bringing up successful children (albeit that they have their moments and sometimes revert to type, they have genes from both parents!) is also something to be proud of. All this whilst battling with your mother and ex husband.......well done indeed.

Now, to the future, what do you want to do? Use your degree, go abroad? Volunteer, work in a specific field? You have that choice. Sell the house, move, re invent yourself. You don't have to cut yourself off from your family but you can put yourself first and ration their affect on your life.

You want to preserve your contact with your mother because you think what you have done/endured in the past entitles you to an inheritance, and most probably it does. However, you may need to decide what is worth more, quality of life now, or the promise of money in the future. Do you need the money that much? Is keeping the Status Quo worth the possible sacrifice of x number of years being you, not what they see as you?

You really have a lot going for you OP, what constrains you is yourself. Think, think and think some more and then act decisively, you will be amazed at the responses of family and friends if you seem strong and positive. Move onwards and upwards.

paulineb_2

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

This thread has been very helpful in places, very helpful and supportive, but for the people talking about suicide please go away to another thread. The one thing I never lose is hope and my mental health support workers call me tenacious, and from that point of view are a massive support, as they know I will take their help and advice on board, as I am doing from the amazing positive posts on here. THIS THREAD IS NOT ANYTHING ABOUT SUICIDE, and I would request any suggestions in that direction to be removed appropriately.


Now I will go back and read the many positive, helpful posts. I am very fragile. Thank you all so much.

I already made it clear in earlier posts that I misread what you said in your first post and I actually responded to your first post out of concern. You used the words give up, that concerned me. A lot as it happens. If you had been clear in your first post that suicide wasnt in your thoughts Id never have mentioned it in the first place.

I apologise that the thread has been somewhat derailed, but a lot of threads veer off tangent, it happens.

Also, if someone does make comments that are hurtful to me and that touch a raw nerve, I'll respectfully challenge them, Im not talking about comments that you've made on here. Once you put a thread out there on the forum, you perhaps dont have control over where it goes. And from my point of view, if anything people have said on here about suicide and the effect that it has on people left behind does help someone reading this thread, I see absolutely no harm in them staying. Its words on a screen, no more and no less.

I apologise if any of my posts have upset you, but as I said, I was concerned about what you said in the first post, no more than that

As for exiting the thread, I will do that, have no desire to post on a thread where my input isnt welcome.

I wish you well.