Any women close to 50 can advise?

SlimmingSusan

I am 50 this year, and feel invisible, discarded, and on the edge of a turning point. It will go one way or the other, either I will give up, or I will find the strength to recreate my life.


I am divorced after being married from 21, have two children, 26 and 20. Both amazing people, one has his own business and the other, my 20 yr old daughter, is graduating with a BSc hons in psychology this year and going on to do a masters in neuropsychology.


I feel my job is done in that respect, but I had my son a year after we married, and I do not know who I am. My dad had an horrendous illness for 7 years and passed away last year, I am an only child, and the way my mother treats me is horrendous. I am under mental health services, and it is all about my mother and my son. I was bullied by my ex husband and my self esteem is so low.


As my ex was a high earner throughout our marriage, I was a stay at home mum, but have gone to uni this last year. I am the eldest on the course, but my determination pulls me through.


I am undergoing therapy for issues caused by past family trauma- at last, and cannot fault the nhs.


My mother is in complete denial, and am not able to open up to anyone within my family. I want to walk away from them all, but I will be damned if I give my power over to my son. No way.


I feel like a bruised animal, taking all the hits and going lower and lower, this is what bullies do is it?


I feel my life is over, I am completing uni work and getting good marks, but what is the point. I want rid of my family and how bad is that. All apart from my daughter, but my ex has taken her as well.


I took my mum into Wales this weekend for her brother's funeral, and realised how batty she is outside of our normal family battyness. I can see it but do not know how to protect myself from what feels like a family who like to supress and control me. I could walk away from them in an instant, but would regret it, as I care and I love them, they just abuse me.

paulineb_2

Ive read some of your other posts and I know youve had it tough. But I dont think people on here can give you the answers you are looking for if you are seriously contemplating ending it all. Im intepreting that you are considering it due to your comment about giving up. If that isnt what you meant, apologies, but thats the way I read it.

All I can say is, speaking as someone who lost a relative to suicide, I would not wish what we had to endure on any other family.

You sound very depressed in the true sense of the word, all I can say is I hope the therapy you are getting helps you.

SlimmingSusan

paulineb wrote: »

Ive read some of your other posts and I know youve had it tough. But I dont think people on here can give you the answers you are looking for if you are seriously contemplating ending it all. Im intepreting that you are considering it due to your comment about giving up. If that isnt what you meant, apologies, but thats the way I read it.

All I can say is, speaking as someone who lost a relative to suicide, I would not wish what we had to endure on any other family.

You sound very depressed in the true sense of the word, all I can say is I hope the therapy you are getting helps you.

No, by giving up I meant becoming infirm, growing a beard, becoming a batty cat woman, moving away from civilisation and isolating as I am prone to do. I would never have the courage to commit suicide or feel it is an option, and always look at trying to recover. Hence my post, sorry if it came across wrong, but it was meant that I still want to have a life, bit all my hopes and dreams need to be recovered.

trevor_john

Hi

There are several things i can't quite grasp in your post.

In what way and what power would you hand over to your son if you walk away? What has your son done to upset you?

How has your ex taken your daughter away? She's an adult and your post suggests you are close to her?

Do you blame your children for being a stay at home mum? Would your husband not let you go to work or did you choose this lifestyle?

For what it's worth I think doing a uni course is admirable and you should congratulate yourself for having the gumption to start at your age, I'm 51 this year and wouldn't have a clue where to start.

You acknowledge that your children are both amazing people, well you must have had a hand in making this happen.

You'll never be able to force your mother to open up about things if she doesn't want to. The important thing is that you are seeking help and hopefully this is working.

The fact that you've started to do things in life what you want to do is the first stage of not being bullied and downtrodden. Do not let anyone do that to you, they have no right no matter who they are.

Don't beat yourself up about things.....it won't do any good, it's a waste of time and it will only cloud your thinking.

Hope you start to feel a bit better about things soon.

PlymouthMaid

I am just over 50 and do not have all the family/trauma issues you appear to be contending with. However can you try to see this stage as a chance to reinvent yourself as 50 is not old in many ways and we get a second life in a way when our children grow up? I am very aware that my life is changing and will change even more hugely in the next 9 years as I head towards 60. It is quite depressing but getting old is still better than the alternative.

Do not give up. I was at uni when I was 40 when my relationship broke up (high earning off-shore worker) and I had been a full time Mum for years. Try to think of yourself as a separate entity to your family and think what you want to do with the rest of your life and try to take steps to get there. All easier said than done obviously but try to enjoy the journey and you may take other roads as you see them.

Also I don't see anything wrong in being a bearded batty cat lady but I am going to wait until I am 70 for that.

BitterAndTwisted

You are on the edge of a turning point, and the road-sign is pointing to a destination called "wonderful new and independent life"!

Cutting contact with family is a very radical step but if it's better for your mental health to cut off contact with your mother, then damned-well do it.

As an aside, it's perfectly fine to grow a beard and become a batty cat woman if that's truly what you want to do.

Fifty is the new thirty dontcha know? You have a whole world of opportunity ahead of you, and don't forget it. Many, many women have made a new start and found fulfillment and happiness at a greater age than you are now.


p.s. I'm not close to 50 any longer, I'll be sixty this year (erk!) and life is still as interesting and as challenging as it ever was.

SlimmingSusan

I just feel so downtrodden, and it is relentless, hard to pick myself up, build resilience, and have time to think about who I am. I am fat, down and a pretty unattractive prospect, and I feel bitter. I need support and friends, who all vanished, so it really is a reincarnation. If anyone else feels like this it would be wonderful to start a daily support thread to self care, as that is what I am useless at.

BitterAndTwisted

Coming out from being bullied is not an instantaneous process, and with the difficulties you are experiencing with the relationship with your mother I'm not really surprised that you're feeling overwhelmed. Anybody would be. Absolutely anyone.

You will find yourself and you will find a contented and fulfilling life. You deserve it! But these things can take time.

Someone once said to me that feeling wretched, negative and depressed is the mind's way of telling you that it has recognised the need for change. You have recognised it yourself and are on your way to making some changes. That's what the counselling is helping you to do. But you need to be gentle with yourself and give it time.

SlimmingSusan

Trevor, no I do not blame my children for being a stay at home mum, I was left when I was 6 and my parents went to work after selling granddad's farm, and it was important to me that I was there when they came home from school, and we agreed it in our marriage, but he turned it around on me in our acrimonious divorce.


My son has turned into his father and is very controlling, walks in to my house and takes things, even though nit was awarded to me (the equity anyway) in the divorce. Does everything for my mother, but does nothing for me, apart from asking me to have his children and his dog- the only time I hear from him.

PlymouthMaid

There is a wonderful thread on here called, I think, OS Singletons: We do it our way'. I think you would enjoy it. I am not single right now but I read the original thread which was started by a lady dreading Christmas alone and it became a brilliant, empowering and funny thread which now has been renamed as it wasn't just for Christmas. Otherwise you could start your own for all us ladies in the middle years who don't want to be invisible....I think you just need cheering up and are feeling kinda lost and alone (then you will be stronger to cope with the family stuff).

SlimmingSusan

Will have a look for that Plymouthmaid. I also love Bittersweet symphony by the Verve, but have never really listened to the lyrics, your signature has changed that, thanks