Any women close to 50 can advise?

getmore4less

Time to start thinking of No'1,

If you have had a very focused family life then this is a big change loads of parents go through this as the kids move on.

One thing that might help is to start to fill your life with new people or resurrect some old friends you may have lost touch with.

Anyway to get involved with people at UNI, even if just to support each other on the course. Any social groups that might be of interest.

Any other interests that could develop new people into your life.

When I was in a new area I had a look at meetup.com loads of groups with similar interest that get together, some just for a drink before a theatre trip.

This may be an alternative to thinking about giving up family(negative), just become more busy doing new stuff you like(positive).

paulineb_2

marisco wrote: »

Easily the worst post I have ever read on this forum. Blatantly advocating suicide in this way is ridiculous and shocked me to the core. You do realise anyone of any age can read this forum. What if an extremely vulnerable child or young teen with little to no parental or family support, who is contemplating ending their life, read this total bile. Did you consider any of the possible repercussions of what you wrote? Just when you think you have seen it all someone stoops to a whole new amazing low!

I dont think that post was advocating suicide. At all. Referring to someone as courageous for ending their own life is not the same as telling people to go and kill themselves.

I remember just after my uncle killed himself, I was talking to a friends mum. I was very very upset. I was wondering how my uncle would have been feeling as he took his own life, he didnt do it at home, he drove to a favourite spot of his. I just wondered if he would have been feeling scared, what would have been going through his mind. My friends mum said he would probably have been feeling very calm. She said that it was a brave thing to do.

It is a turn of phrase, someones opinion. It is not the same as being pro suicide and quite frankly if this discussion actually helps someone who is feeling at the end of their tether, no matter if my opinion or anyones opinion is different from the rest of the forums, we all have the right to express it.

As for calling that post bile, I think thats absolutely uncalled for. It clearly doesnt match your opinion, that doesnt make it bile.

What I was trying to say in previous posts that it is not as simple for some people just to toddle along to the GP and get help for depression and theres a big magic wand waved and they come out the other side feeling all "postive" and good to go.

There are many many complex issues that make up the whole spectrum of mental health issues. Ive worked with young people who suffered from manic depression and when they were in the up phase they were as high as kites and in the low phases suicidial and regardless of being on strong medication, having social workers and CPNs, when they were in that down spell, they wanted to end their life.

The very last thing someone who is in the grip of an illness like that will be sitting thinking, I wonder how thats going to affect other people, they are unwell. And as I also said before theres enough stigma associated with suicide as it is. I had people I knew from 5 years old crossing the street to avoid me because they didnt know what to say to me after my uncle killed himself.

Ive done suicide prevention training on two occasions. Ive worked with people who were suicidal and I would always, always try and give people support to move forward. But I would not judge people who did end their lives.

There is so much discussion on this forum and Ive seen things posted on here that I think should have been removed and werent, but I really do think we all need to think before we type at times, just because someone thinks that suicide is brave and someone else doesnt, doesnt make one person right and the other person wrong.

BitterAndTwisted

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

insist on cluttering up Susan's thread about a subject she has never introduced and very likely has no interest in? And why would you think it would be helpful to her at all to read all this extraneous and irrelevant guff? I think she's got rather more pressing issues that it might be more helpful to her to discuss in here.


Hope you're feeling a tiny bit better today and can see a way to make parts of your life more meaningful, Susan.

trailingspouse

I hope the OP is still reading this - please be assured that there are some of us who would like to help, and not go off at a tangent about something you hadn't even mentioned.

OK - I'm 53, an only child, grown up children. I also have a mother who is 'hard work'. It's tough out here in the big wide world, isn't it? But we have as much right to be here as anyone else. We've paid our dues - raising children, keeping house, making everything run smoothly. You don't need to cut anyone out of your life completely, I don't think. You just need to interact with them on your own terms. You don't need to see them as often as you do. You don't need to spend as much time with them as you do at the moment. You decide when to see them, and how long for. It's hard to find your voice to begin with, but it really does get easier with practice.

Some examples - if you call round, tell her you can only stay an hour - 'I need to be somewhere else at 11'. And then go. Or on the phone, give her 5 minutes then 'I'd better go, things to do, byee'. She'll hardly even notice you're avoiding her!!!

As far as your son's concerned, what sorts of things is he taking? Which rooms does he go into? This is your house, you don't have to allow him free access to all of it. In fact, keep your door locked (you should do this anyway), and talk to him on the doorstep when he turns up. If he's got a key, ask for it back. You don't have to allow anyone into your house if you don't want to. If what he's taken is valuable, ask for it back, and call the police if he won't return it. It's theft. Oh, he'll whinge and complain and deny all knowledge - but he'll think twice before doing it again. In the meantime hide the stuff you really don't want him to have.

Bullies tend to bully people who are vulnerable. So you need to screw your courage to the sticking point, and pretend you're not vulnerable. Fake it 'til you make it, as they say. Imagine what a brave woman would do in your situation, and then do it.

carefullycautious

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I just feel so downtrodden, and it is relentless, hard to pick myself up, build resilience, and have time to think about who I am. I am fat, down and a pretty unattractive prospect, and I feel bitter. I need support and friends, who all vanished, so it really is a reincarnation. If anyone else feels like this it would be wonderful to start a daily support thread to self care, as that is what I am useless at.

Read this back and imagine you are the friend of the woman above. Would you want to remain friends with someone who is to all extents and purposes wallowing in self pity. Stop it you may not be able to change the past but by golly you can change your future

My beautiful relative who died at a very young age would have given anything to be your age.

Don't waste another precious moment

ostrichnomore_2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LODkVkpaVQA

Here you go Susan - when you are feeling overwhelmed stick this on and sing along...
I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down...

Sounds silly but it's a song that helped me a lot when I felt rather like you. It's time to get a bit bolshy at the world!

You are doing a great thing in going to Uni. I know I always felt worst when I felt I was drifting, no control, other people in control. By going to uni you have taken a step towards taking control over your own life again. That means a step towards the life you really want.

I promise you aren't invisible.

It's tough to start all over again but you've now got so many possibilities open to you - take advantage of them, enjoy being in charge. You can't do everything at once - I do know that hopeless overwhelmed sinking feeling so well - but one thing at a time. Uni is number 1. Number 2? Have a bit of fun. If you don't have friends at the moment to have friends with, so what? Do stuff on your own. I started going to the cinema once a week on my own last year and I was terrified the first time, thought I'd look a right fool, but I didn't at all. No one gives a stuff who else is there. After the first time it was easy. I used to go on quiet nights and there was always a few people on their own. Whatever it is you think you might enjoy, one thing, get out there and try it. If you don't enjoy it, try something else next time.

You deserve as good a life as anyone else.

harrys_nan

@paulineb
Stop keep raising this subject up, enough is enough. The op has enough going on without you keep keeping on.

elaine373

I haven't read all the posts so I may be missing the point but here goes.......I am also 50 this year and have also just gone into Uni. I am one of the eldest on my course as well but I couldn't give a monkey's about that. I married at 18 and had my son at 19. I also had 6 other children and the youngest is 11 so I still feel committed as mother. (Do we ever not?) I don't really understand what it is you are searching for. I realise your marriage breakdown has had a massive impact, but in all honesty do you want your ex to determine the rest of your life? Your mother is what she is and have you only just realised? Not sure what you are searching for but in the meantime Do what makes you happy and sod the rest!

valk_scot

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No, by giving up I meant becoming infirm, growing a beard, becoming a batty cat woman, moving away from civilisation and isolating as I am prone to do. I would never have the courage to commit suicide or feel it is an option, and always look at trying to recover. Hence my post, sorry if it came across wrong, but it was meant that I still want to have a life, bit all my hopes and dreams need to be recovered.

I'm 55 and would really rather like to move away from civilization and become a batty cat woman at some point in the future. (I could perhaps do without the beard.) ATM though got too many home obligations and I'm infirm already but still, one can dream.


Same question to you. If you could have any life style tomorrow, no effort on your part, what would you like? How would you see it? What would you regard as your perfect life?

SlimmingSusan

notisis wrote: »

Don't count your chickens! Your batty mother may decide to leave everything to the local dogs home or direct to her grandchildren! However, if you are fortunate enough to eventually inherit something after your mother's demise (whom you say you love) then do something positive with it - travel, pay to have your book published, facelift - whatever will give you pleasure and remember your mother in a positive light.


In the meantime, accept you'll never change your mother and "enjoy" your time with her as I bet you will miss her when she is no longer around. Similarly start to control yourself and don't allow others to. You've made a good beginning by starting with your university course, so what's next? You want to take control back from your son, so start saying no, change locks if he has a key - whatever it takes. Once you feel empowered, the rest will come slowly as your confidence grows.


Best of luck.

This is a massively empowering post for me . thank you.