Any women close to 50 can advise?

paulineb_2

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Trevor, no I do not blame my children for being a stay at home mum, I was left when I was 6 and my parents went to work after selling granddad's farm, and it was important to me that I was there when they came home from school, and we agreed it in our marriage, but he turned it around on me in our acrimonious divorce.


My son has turned into his father and is very controlling, walks in to my house and takes things, even though nit was awarded to me (the equity anyway) in the divorce. Does everything for my mother, but does nothing for me, apart from asking me to have his children and his dog- the only time I hear from him.

The bit about your son is about you taking control, dont just allow him to walk in and take things and if he asks you to have his kids and his dog and its not convenient for you, say no.

Controlling towards you? Or other people.

welshbookworm

At 49 I was a exSAHM, my youngest was 17 and independent. I became a volunteer at a local charity shop and now 3 years later I am a paid employee with a life and a social life!
My family is still important to me and take up a chunk of my life, but I am a free agent and I have rights and feelings, which I exercise.
I achieved a dream of mine last year and watched Wales beat England in CARDIFF - I WAS THERE!!! It was the happiest day of recent years, made better that my daughter was by my side and we didn't row for the whole 48 hours we were together.
Decide what YOU want and let the family fit round your plans for you or let them take a running jump!
Good Luck

SuzieSue

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Cutting contact with family is a very radical step but if it's better for your mental health to cut off contact with your mother, then damned-well do it.

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This. If your family are making you unhappy then cut them out of your life. I know what I am talking about because I have done it.

SlimmingSusan

lol Welshbookworm, not sure wales beating England would have been a good day for me, but I have to say that Wales is beautiful. My uncle lived near Cardigan, but the nearest cemetery was an hour away, and the weather was horrendous, but we managed to see some lovely scenery. I love Wales. Will be visiting often. See, that is me feeling better already, looking to the future. I just hate being alone. Even my mother's snoring made me realise how long it is that I have been sleeping alone.

SlimmingSusan

SuzieSue wrote: »

This. If your family are making you unhappy then cut them out of your life. I know what I am talking about because I have done it.

But I have suffered as an only child for 50 years , why give up the fight now. I am being totally honest here, my mum has a lot of money, accumulated from my family, and I am damned I will walk away and let my son have it all. I love my mum also, despite her treatment of me. My therapist is helping me, otherwise I would not be here. I am under mental health services. I sort of feel like Susan Boyle, but unable to sing :-)

SuzieSue

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

But I have suffered as an only child for 50 years , why give up the fight now. I am being totally honest here, my mum has a lot of money, accumulated from my family, and I am damned I will walk away and let my son have it all.:-)

Yes, I can understand that, and of course, I gave up my inheritance, although it was not as much as yours, but for me it was worth it. Only you can decide if the stress you are going through is worth the inheritance. And of course, if you have been a SAHM, you will need it in the future whereas I have worked all my life and so was not dependent on it.

SlimmingSusan

SuzieSue wrote: »

Yes, I can understand that, and of course, I gave up my inheritance, although it was not as much as yours, but for me it was worth it. Only you can decide if the stress you are going through is worth the inheritance. And of course, if you have been a SAHM, you will need it in the future whereas I have worked all my life and so was not dependent on it.

Yes Suzie Sue, he even mentioned it in the divorce court in his defence. My son and daughter will get it all passed to them from me ultimately anyway, but it is all part of me wanting to still matter and not be invisible and discarded.

notisis

Don't count your chickens! Your batty mother may decide to leave everything to the local dogs home or direct to her grandchildren! However, if you are fortunate enough to eventually inherit something after your mother's demise (whom you say you love) then do something positive with it - travel, pay to have your book published, facelift - whatever will give you pleasure and remember your mother in a positive light.


In the meantime, accept you'll never change your mother and "enjoy" your time with her as I bet you will miss her when she is no longer around. Similarly start to control yourself and don't allow others to. You've made a good beginning by starting with your university course, so what's next? You want to take control back from your son, so start saying no, change locks if he has a key - whatever it takes. Once you feel empowered, the rest will come slowly as your confidence grows.


Best of luck.

marisco_2

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I would never have the courage to commit suicide

There is nothing courageous about committing suicide and to make such a statement on a public forum is irresponsible. Suicide is a cowards way out and leaves the lives of those left behind in tatters. To have courage involves facing up to the problems in your life head on, having the strength and presence of mind to seek professional help, and to learn over time coping mechanisms and strategies to work through things and move on positively and happily.

Your post is full of contradictions so I don't know how best to advise you. I think it would be very wise of you to contact your gp and explain completely openly to him/her exactly how you are feeling. They can arrange appropriate referrals and put support in place. If you feel you need to speak to someone urgently tonight then I would suggest you contact the Samaritans on 08457 909090. They operate a 24 hour service.

paulineb_2

marisco wrote: »

There is nothing courageous about committing suicide and to make such a statement on a public forum is irresponsible. Suicide is a cowards way out and leaves the lives of those left behind in tatters. To have courage involves facing up to the problems in your life head on, having the strength and presence of mind to seek professional help, and to learn over time coping mechanisms and strategies to work through things and move on positively and happily.

Your post is full of contradictions so I don't know how best to advise you. I think it would be very wise of you to contact your gp and explain completely openly to him/her exactly how you are feeling. They can arrange appropriate referrals and put support in place. If you feel you need to speak to someone urgently tonight then I would suggest you contact the Samaritans on 08457 909090. They operate a 24 hour service.

Yes it does leave the people behind in tatters, but I dont think of my relative as a coward. Far from it. He had schizophrenia that was never diagnosed but he ticked every box of the symptoms. Some people are not in their right minds when they decide to end their lives. I would think its a pretty hellish existence living with something like paranoia or schizophrenia every day in life, particularly as there are so many misconceptions as to what the illness is. I was actually too young to understand what was wrong with my relative. He was an educated, professional articulate person who was well for years at a time, but when he went through a bad spell, it impacted greatly on my family. However when someone isnt a danger to other people and is at absolutely no risk of being sectioned, they arent going to get help. Try telling someone who thinks they are well that they are ill.

I tried over the years to seek professional help for depression brought on by work related stress that on the scale of things was mild compared to what my uncle lived with, I was told more often than not to go away. Ive also worked with young people who were clearly schizophrenic, I can spot the signs when other people cant at times, having lived with the illness. I tried on more than one occasion to get young people sectioned who were a risk to themselves, with absolutely no success. One later hung himself in prison, I always thought that that was a possibility.

Sorry that Im digressing, because clearly I misread what the OP said. But I just want to make it clear that I miss the relative I lost every single day in life and so do my family. I wish he hadnt had schizophrenia. But one thing he wasnt was a coward. He chose to end his life when he couldnt see a way out and given that his illness only affected him, he would probably have lived the rest of his life going through spells where he was well and spells where he was ill.
I wouldnt wish the ill spells on anyone. Someone who is suffering like that, to them its their reality, they think what they are hearing is real, so try and tell someone they arent well. Very hard to get someone to a GP when they dont think theres anything wrong with them.

I wish he wasnt dead, but most of all I wish he hadnt had schizophrenia. Because if he hadnt had that, he would very likely still be alive. It was the illness that drove him to suicide.

He wasnt a coward. I remember when he died my mum said to me, if he had known the effect on us, he would never have done it. He thought he was doing what was better for us, or he saw another black spell coming and he just couldnt face living through it again.
I dont blame him for that. I count myself lucky that Ive never had to battle a mental illness every single day thats so debilitating that it ends up making you feel like you have no other option but to end your life.

Some people cant work through things like schizophrenia or paranoid schizophrenia, its an illness and its an illness thats very misunderstood and at times near impossible to get help for.

I dont think the OP's statement was irresponsible. People have different opinions about suicide and I dont think they should be discounted just because others dont agree with them.

Its happened to my family twice. Schizophrenia runs in the male side of my family or did, because thankfully my brother is ok. My gran lost both her brother and her son to suicide. In the days when my great uncle died there was even less understanding of mental health problems than there are now.

People can disagree with every single word Ive typed, thats ok. I was just concerned that the OP was feeling suicidal and Id always try, given what Ive been through to let someone know that the people left behind do suffer and that in many cases when people think they have nothing left to go on for, they actually have people who would be devastated if they killed themselves.

But Id never call everyone who chooses to end their own life a coward or think that even when people try and get help that its going to be available. Ive seen so many cases where that help has been asked for and its absolutely not been available. Theres still a massive lack of understanding towards people with mental health issues from some sections of the medical profession, I saw that over and over in my working life.