The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

pinkteapot

Well, the NHS have just scrapped IVF treatment in my area (North-East Essex CCG). We've gone from having three cycles funded (among the best in the country) to none. The only exception is people who have had cancer and certain other medical conditions where treatment leaves them infertile.

Trying to ignore the comments on the article in the local paper saying it shouldn't be funded anyway.

lauraw82

Aw pink that sucks Why they think fertility funding is less important than sooo many self inflicted issues is beyond me, it's not like we want to have IVF! Bit worried now tho as I'm the next county up from you xx

cwtw

That's awful Pink. It's not as if any of us would choose to go down this route! I never read the comments at the bottom of those articles, people can be so ignorant! Not sure there's any thing useful I can do, but do let me know if there is a petition to sign or anything.

mogwai

Hi all, been quiet on here. Sorry to hear about your bfns laura, I'm not far from you in that I have a couple of cycles left before we have our initial consultation at a fertility clinic. We've gone for AGRC, fingers crossed its the right choice. Can anyone direct me to any forums that might be relevant to that clinic?

Sorry to hear your news pink teapot - were you about to undergo IVF?

mogwai

Oh, also wanted to ask what does the first appointment at a fertility clinic involve?

pinkteapot

Thanks, all. For us, we had a cycle of IVF last year but had already decided not to have another go (the treatment affected me badly). I just feel so sorry for all the people who have just had the door slammed shut in their face. It's so expensive privately. I have friends who have their children thanks to our local IVF clinic, and to NHS treatment.

It is a bit of a door closure for us. We were 'in the system' and in line for our multiple funded cycles but we fell out and lost our existing funding in August (a year after our first cycle). We knew that would happen, and we knew that if we then changed our mind in the future, we'd have to be referred afresh and would be subject to prevailing NHS funding rules, so we knew this might happen. It is now confirmed that if we pursue it again we'll be paying.

mogwai - at our first IVF clinic appt they just went over our history, asked questions etc. I did have yet another internal scan, so go prepared to strip off for dildocam again, just in case.

I don't know of an AGRC specific board, but it has lots of threads on the London board of FF:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=345.0

People on there will know what the AGRC first appt involves, specifically? The thing it's worth finding out is if your OH will need to give a sample, given that he's meant to avoid having er, given any other samples, for 24 hours or so beforehand. But you could ring the clinic to ask that if need be... OH didn't have to do this at our clinic - they just looked at his results from his original sample the GP did before we were referred.

mogwai

Thanks pinkteapot! Good tip re OHs sample, Ill have to let him know. Hate the dildocam, lol, (tmi) you never feel really clean afterwards from all that jelly :rotfl: Will have a look at fertility friends boards.

Thats such a shame about the funding, have you checked whether you could sneak back in under the previous referral somehow? Perhaps a sympathetic GP could manage it somehow?

pinkteapot

I suspect the answer would be 'no'. They said the time-out for our previous referral was a year from treatment, which was in August. For the moment, we don't want to pursue IVF so it doesn't matter for us anyway.

I tell you what though - NHS cuts in our area felt like they were just targeting us. They cut IVF treatment and also prescriptions of gluten-free food for coeliacs. Hubby has coeliac so our Tesco bill has gone way up. The two things that were affecting us when they announced the cuts for our area, raaahh!!

As I said, OH may not be asked for a sample at the first visit - hubby wasn't at ours. Just worth checking in case he needs to prepare.

Good luck at the appointment and hope you can get started with treatment soon.

ellesbellesxxx

Really sorry to hear that Pink - I don't understand why each CCG is so different with what they allow! Why can't they all be the same?


I was hoping for some advice/a pep talk/stern words if necessary. This weekend... I am struggling.

I snapped at my lovely husband (he was on a bit of a wind up but even so, it was irrational and completely out of character for me), I have been crying constantly. I cried when he wasn't in the mood for some "Fun" (so no doubt that will put him under even MORE pressure) and I cried after seeing my lovely friends (I am ashamed to say I cried because I was envious as they are pregnant.)

I don't know if it just that 5 people I know have had babies this week alone and there are 4 more people about to pop, and life just seems to be constant baby showers/being excited for other people (but secretly crying because I want it to be me.)

I guess I just feel like everything is unknown at the moment... we are on cycle 17 (which I know is still considered early days) but right now, I have no idea what lies ahead... or if we will even have a baby. I am in danger of pushing my husband away as I have been such a moody cow and I don't want to be a jealous person. I genuinely am happy that other people have got their babies - I just would like one too!

How do you cope? I am wondering if I just need to back away from it all for a couple of months to try and stop it taking over everything but then how do I honestly do that (short of not having any "fun!") xx

pinkteapot

Oh, elles (((hugs)))

You'll go through periods of it really getting to you. For me, it's always when friends have pg announcements or babies arriving. You'll cry and take it out on OH when you don't mean to, and he'll do the same to you.

But you *will* get through it. DH and I have been trying for longer (unexplained infertility), have had IVF and don't want to do it again, so are back to trying naturally and simply not knowing if a baby will ever happen for us or not. I've lived the last four years in two-week increments - waiting to ovulate then waiting for AF!

The pain comes and goes. I go through spells where it all gets to me - I welled up a bit when I saw a heavily pregnant woman in Tesco the other day! But then other times I think about everything good in our lives at the moment and see how life could be without kids (if it comes to it - not that I'm OK with the idea yet). We have a lot of hobbies that aren't child-friendly and would have to go. And we'd do that in a heartbeat, but we have lives without kids.

One of the worst parts of this whole journey is the limbo period of trying. Occasionally I wish there had been something wrong with one of us, so that once treatment was no longer an option, we'd have known that that's it. No kids for us. It's a terrible, terrible thing to wish, I know. I have a friend in that position - who definitely can't and won't be having kids. We've talked about it - theirs was a horrendous, deep shock, like a sudden bereavement that absolutely knocks you off your feet. They're working through it and are looking to the alternative life they can now plan out. Ours is a much more gradual impact. In some ways I feel like I've lost the last four years - like I've been treading water and not doing anything with my life in case a baby comes along. I'm trying to change that now - do more and then adjust if a baby happens, instead.

I'm rambling.

All you can do is be kind to yourself during the bad times. Keep talking to OH - you'll both have bad times and you need to hold on to each other. Don't beat yourself up for feeling down. Let yourself have days where you don't get much done, or you have a good cry. Tomorrow is always a new day. And there will be times that are better - honestly.

As we're further down the line than you, I think we're starting to come to terms with the possibility of it never happening for us. It feels like a grieving process. You'll be experiencing that too to some extent, in a different way. You'll be grieving for the 17 months you feel like you've wasted where life was meant to be different to how it's turned out. Earlier this year I heard about this description of grief that was posted online a few years ago:
http://robsays.com/2012/05/20/the-shipwreck-3/

It's so true. It comes in waves. When it's a bad time and the wave is swamping you, just focus on staying afloat and don't worry about achieving anything else.

My other advice is to find people to talk to. Infertility is such a taboo, private thing, and that's so bad for you. You're going through something huge and you need people to talk to. If you have people you're close to at work, confide in them so they can help if you have a bad day. If you reach the point of having treatment (I hope you don't need it!), clinics often have patient support groups for mutual support. I'm much more open about our situation too - I'm pretty open if people talk about having families, and I'm much calmer as a result.

We actually haven't tried for the last two months (but will again soon) because I just felt the urge for a break. We just avoided BDing at ovulation time. It's been far better than I imagined it would be. I feel like I've taken back some control. I'm not dreading AF. We've been enjoying the fun again (no-one tells you how trying for a baby ruins your sex life!!). A break wouldn't be for everyone - some people wouldn't want to waste the time/opportunity, but it's helped us.