The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

codemonkey

No IVF experience here, but when we decided against pursuing the surgical option as it had such a low success rate, as well as the sadness I felt, and still feel at not being able to be parents, I also felt a lot of relief that it was finally over. No more monitoring my cycles and the ever so sexy BD on demand. No more disappointment. No more frantic googling of every symptom. No more frustration and desperately looking for a solution. I have no idea where I am in my cycle but as far as I'm aware they've settled down a bit because I'm not stressing about ovulation.

Our s*x life was damaged by it all and its recovering slowly. For a while, I didn't want to at all (because what was the point?) and it took a while to remember it was supposed to be fun.

pinkteapot

Thanks for sharing, code. It helps hugely to hear from people who have been through this process. As we can keep trying naturally we have the BD on demand for the next few years probably - I guess there'll come a point where we feel like we're too old and the moment's passed (unless menopause comes first).

tea_lover

codemonkey wrote: »

I also felt a lot of relief that it was finally over.

Can definitely agree with this. I wish we'd stopped earlier and I wish it hadn't all taken such a toll - but even bearing that in mind it felt good in some ways to say 'enough'. The first time I'd been even remotely in control of my own life or emotions for years.

codemonkey

It's a bit of a difficult decision especially when there are still other options. We got a bit of a hard time from some family members for not doing the surgery (at a 2% chance of sucess and that's just to get something useable for ICSI) or the sperm donation (DH couldn't deal with that) or adoption (maybe something for the future but not right now). But I think when you reach your stopping point, you just know. It is hard because DH's stopping point was much sooner than mine (flat no to sperm donation and adoption immediately) and that caused some resentment - not that I wanted these things necessarily - but I'd have liked some time to consider and instead got a flat refusal - and because it was his sperm issue stopping us, it did feel like he was overriding my needs and he should hqve been more flexible because it was 'his fault'. I know that's a horrible thing to say but it was how I felt.

pinkteapot

I think those feelings are completely natural and understandable, code. I suspect it's rare for both partners to feel like they've reached their stopping point at exactly the same time, so there's always going to be some of that feeling on one side or the other.

I can't believe that anyone gave you grief over your decisions!

tea - I know exactly what you mean about control. I feel like my life's been on hold and lived month to month for three years now! Not completely. I was in a horrible job when we started TTC and was going to sit it out until maternity leave. After 18 months of TTC I left and moved to a wonderful job. I still find it hard to think about the future though, as I don't know if kids feature in it or not. It's all such a head-fk!

pinkteapot

Did see this earlier and thought of you all.

http://www.damnlol.com/nativity-or-tyrannosaurus-rex-42649.html

tea_lover

Code that rings so many bells, OH was a flat no to donor sperm or adoption too.

vesper

TTC had ruined what me and OH had, the fun completely went. And to tell the truth we hadn't touched each other in a fun way in so long. The intimacy has completely gone.
There has only been one reason why it has changed now, but that change has made us realise we were taking each other for granted. And we needed to take time to work out in which direction we were going.

lisawood78

Hi PTP. I am in the 'tried again many many times camp' just about to go through our 10th round , albeit this one via surrogacy. I too had the horrible depression that came with down regging drugs and have suffered from horrible depression following yet another failure or medical mishap (OHSS and IVF ectopic to name a few) . We now do short protocol (no downregulation) and I have been known to do a course of anti depressants if I'm feeling terribly low (not during treatment of course) it is the only way I have managed to carry on and still have some sanity left.
I can understand your feelings entirely, nearly every time I find myself saying never again but also I find that the only way I can move forward is if I have a plan and my plans have not yet wavered from 'have a child' and for us the only option is IVF.
None of that helps you I'm sure, just a quick view from my side. Only you can make the decision and IVF is so so hard on you mentally and physically that I can understand people never wanting I do it again!
Hugs xx
Oh, just to add that we don't really suffer from the TTC curse of making BD a chore. I have 0% chance of conceiving so it doesn't matter to us when/how often etc, when my last tube was taken with my IVF ectopic it improved things for us, and that was a relief.
Still hasn't improved the fact that I've now been TTC for 13 years though :-(

pinkteapot

Thanks for sharing, Lisa. It's good to hear everyone's story.

In a way, and I know I certainly shouldn't complain about this, being unexplained IF makes this harder. If IVF was our only option, the decision would be more clear-cut I think. The fact we can try naturally kind of muddies things. A couple of goes at IVF with higher odds, or lots of months of trying naturally with lower odds...? It's all such a gamble and I wish I know what method was going to work! As I said, I know I shouldn't complain, and I'm not. We're lucky not to have things wrong that others are dealing with.

Also another apology to all the IVF newbies on here. My experience has left me quite negative towards the whole process and industry, but that's actually just because of how it affected me personally, and that's very different for everyone. A good friend of mine has her DD thanks to IVF and naturally feels the complete opposite of how I do! So, whatever you do, don't let me put anyone off!