The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

bigzippy

Just sneaking in to wish Primmer the very best of luck for the adoption panel this week!

*waves to everyone else that remembers me, on the way back to the dark lurking shadows*

tea_lover

Hi BZ *waves*

Floaty - totally with you! Feels like everytime I make the effort to reply to someone about what to expect during IVF etc they get a BFP the next day... starting to feel personal lol.

Primmer

Hi BZ - thanks for the good luck wishes, very much appreciated and so good to hear from you x


I am feeling sick and anxious when I think about panel meeting on Wednesday and so trying hard to occupy my time and pretend I am feeling ok about it!


Hi tea - how are things with you?


Vesper - been thinking of you and your family and am sending hugs.


Code - sending hugs, I would have been upset too about the use of the name. I have had a girls name in my heart since I was about 12 and so secretly hoping that if we do adopt it will be a boy and then I won't have to deal with not using the name although if we did adopt a girl we could chose a middle name.


Laura - hope you get on ok with the Clomid and that it works for you.


Hello and hugs to you all on this thread.

pinkteapot

Hey all. I've also been quiet lately (since our failed IVF) and apologies.

I'm not sure if anyone here has been in our position and can advise - we have to decide whether to try IVF again or not. We're leaning towards not.

As a recap, we've had one (NHS-funded) cycle. We're fortunate to live in an area that fund three cycles, so we have two more 'freebies' and I feel awful for even considering turning them down, but I don't think I can go through it again.

Everyone's affected by the drugs differently (so, IVF newbies, don't be put off by me!) and they affected me very badly, emotionally. I felt depressed. I don't say that lightly, as about 15 years ago I went through a period of severe depression for about 18 months. The IVF drugs made me feel the same, and also very anxious.

In the month or so following my BFN, I started to feel like myself again. It was like waking up from a bad dream and I realised just how bad I'd been during treatment. It's now a couple of months later, and I'm not feeling down but I am still having problems with anxiety - getting panicked/upset over things that wouldn't have got to me before treatment. Hoping that dies down in time.

We're meant to have booked a follow-up appointment at the clinic to discuss how the cycle went and next steps, but I don't even want to go. I know that's stupid - they'd make us wait six months between cycles so we should go and stay 'in the system' in case we change our minds. We can always cancel the next cycle, anytime before it starts.

Hubby is being fab. He says he hated seeing how hard the treatment was for me and doesn't want to watch me go through it again. But I feel horrendously guilty because I still feel like it's mainly me saying no to a second round (despite what he says) and I feel like I'm costing us our chance for a baby.

We're unexplained infertility so we can keep trying naturally, but I know the odds are better with IVF, though still not great.

I know I should go to the follow-up and see if they could change the protocol to try and lessen the effect on me, but any medicines that affect hormones have always had a really bad effect on me (I tried a few different types of pill when I was young and didn't last more than a few months on any of them).

During treatment I said repeatedly that I wouldn't do it again. I thought that after the cycle, as I forgot how bad it was, I'd start to feel differently and want to have another go, but I just don't. If anything, I feel more strongly over time that I don't want to go through it again. But what if I'm costing us our chance to have kids? Surely I should be able to cope with two sh*tty months to get us what we want?

I think that if the odds of IVF working were higher I'd get through it. But to go through what I did again when the odds are low is what I can't get my head around. I had some really dark moments during the treatment.

As I said, I'm really really sorry to all the people about to go into IVF for this post. Please know that the vast majority of people don't have anything like the experience I did! One person I know, who's normally quite fiery-tempered, found she was calmer on the IVF drugs and actually liked them!

To those who have previously tried IVF - has anyone been in the position of deciding whether to do it again or not?

tea_lover

Hi PTP,

after our first IVF (BFP then early m/c, to recap) we both said we'd never do it again. I hated the hormones, felt I was going mad. I was also really quite ill with OHSS at one point - it sounds v OTT now but I really thought I was going to die and I never wanted to feel that ill again.

After a few months I thought maybe we should try again, even though OH really wasn't sure. I basically ended up bullying him into a second cycle (BFN) and it was pretty much the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Obviously it's different when you're both reaching the same decision (which is how it should be of course!) but don't feel bad if you do decide not to try again. I regret the second cycle and honestly if I could do things again I would have stopped after one.

Does your hospital offer counselling? I wish I'd taken up the offer from ours, might have saved us £3.5k and meant we weren't about to split up.

ETA: FWIW, I'd probably go to the follow-up appt regardless of your next steps. It can be useful to make a decision when you know you've got all the info. You don't want to end up wishing you had pursued it in a few years.

Primmer

PTP - sending hugs and understand how you feel. We self funded 1 ivf cycle which was unsuccessful and we are also unexplained infertility. I decided that I could go through another cycle with the chances it may still be unsuccessful as didn't think I would come well with another failure. My DH supported my decision as was concerned about the cost but if I had really wanted another go he would have supported me. I did still go to my follow up appointment and I think that have me closure as I got to ask what they would do differently if I had another ivf cycle and what my percentages at success would be end that helped me come to terms with the fact that got us the one ivf was enough.

pinkteapot

Thanks, tea. Our clinic do offer counselling. Maybe we should book an appointment and both go, and discuss the yes/no question there. I worry that hubby's just saying what I want to hear...

Last week I ventured back onto my clinic's board on the fertility friends site to have a read of what was happening and there were more BFNs and even an ectopic pregnancy (didn't know that was possible with IVF!) and I felt cold and sick being back in that world. :eek:

I do worry that infertility is coming between us. We still talk well but, my word, it's a s*x life killer!

How are you doing, my lovely? Are you and OH talking any more (by which I mean is he communicating better!) or are things still as bad? It's just awful the impact that infertility can have on relationships.

pinkteapot

Thanks too, primmer. I should suck it up and go to the follow-up. At the moment I feel a bit stuck in limbo. I think the appointment would firm up the decision in my mind one way or the other. Need to get my head out of the sand!

tea_lover

pinkteapot wrote: »

How are you doing, my lovely? Are you and OH talking any more (by which I mean is he communicating better!) or are things still as bad? It's just awful the impact that infertility can have on relationships.

We are talking in as much as we're not not-talking, iyswim. We actually managed to go out for dinner yesterday but that was more that neither of us wanted to cook. Things are basically polite but quite strained. If we talk at all it's about the cat mostly, or general nonsense. We're certainly not properly talking about anything important.

There's absolutely no physical contact and hasn't been for months (not just BD, but a peck on the cheek, a hug, anything).

We're in the same house, and even the same bed, but I've never felt further apart.

pinkteapot

*hugs* tea. Such a horrible position to be in. I really do hope you can make changes one way or the other as that's no way to live.