Step-children. are they "yours"?

POPPYOSCAR

All I know is that when I met my OH his children were important to him so they then became important to me.

It was not hard to love them and when our own children came along nothing changed.

Obviously everyone is different and I know that some people find it hard to accept children by a previous relationship as it reminds them of that relationship.

I know someone who used to put the photos of the children face down unless they were visiting - that relationship did not last.

justme111

How much of a double standard here - when someone posts about stepchildren "staring " at them some even advise to stop their das seeing them at family home ! But when one has to deal with it day in day out in his own home they advise to kick one out !
Of course your husband was wrong in what he said.
Step children are not "yours " though if on some occasions it feels like that to all parties involved - great , I would be concerned though that phrasing the title this way is an example of pressure step parents face , don't stand to it and then just "blow out" in resentful remarks as your husband did.
Teens are very often not so nice people to be around and even blood parents exasperated about it , not blood ones are at additional disadvantage.

Artytarty

@justme, what a very very sensible post! Thanks you for raising the standard of mse to that above personal axe grinding and into the realms of reality.

spamalot

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, in the instance that a step-pwc comes into the children life when they are little and the biological father is not in the scene, but if they are older and close to their own father, it can't possibly be compared with adoption.

What amazes me with this thread is that there almost seems to be an expectiation from some posters that step-pwcs should accept and love their step children as if they were their own. What a contrast to responses to threads started by non resident step parents, who complain about their step-children when they only see them once a month, and many responding that it is the step parent's house and therefore everything should be done to accomodate them.

I have always felt that people feel very differently on the basis on this issue on the basis of residency. Yes, spending more time with someone does normally lead to a stronger bond and affection, but sometimes it can be the other way around and it can make it worse. It seems to be the case in OP's situation. I get the feeling that her partner has some serious issues with the eldest son, but has kept his mouth shut, but sometimes, it comes out very innappropriately like it did yesterday. The thing is, would OP listen to him if he was to say things she might not like to hear.

I am assuming that's a dig at me Fbaby. Thanks for that.

I take my hat off to all step parents, and like everything in life sometimes it's successful (like many have said here) and sometimes it isn't. Not everyone can handle the situation as perfectly as others, we all make mistakes and screw up sometimes, I don't think there is anyone on here who hasn't at one point or another in their life. Biological parents also get it very wrong sometimes, disrespect their kids, cause them pain, which can also have a devastating effect on the child. We are all just doing the best we can and we make mistakes.

OP I think you owe it to your family to sit down and talk to your husband and try to get to the bottom of the situation. I wish you luck.

sunflower_2

Errata wrote: »

Your OH's behaviour is intolerable, but I bet you're still sharing a bed with him.

i go to bed early. he comes to bed as the sofa is not v comfy for sleeping on.
there is an imaginary wall in the middle of the bed. i stay as far on my side as i can.

thanks tho

sunflower_2

thank you all for the kind replies - very nice of you to take the time and I appreciate it

i could not bring myself to look at OH lastnight and took myself to bed as soon as the kids went up.

my eldest son is adamant he didnt hear anything but the point is that he could have and as a teenager, hearing that would have broken my confused/hormone fuelled heart.

my eldest son has AS and can be hard work when trying to have a conversation. him and OH have never been best buddies and looking back now, i dont think OH has ever liked my son.

as someone mentioned - leaving could be a knee-jerk reaction BUT i think this incident has made me wonder if i am truly happy in my marriage.

i suppose i will need to speak to OH at some point, but I have some serious thinking to do.

cue lots of threads from me asking for more advice...

thank you

:A:A:A:A:A:A:A

System

Step-children. are they "yours"?

of course they are yours. They just have another Mummy/Daddy that's all.

Padstow

He is not having a go at your son OP, it's you he wanted to hurt so he chose what would hurt you most.
There is much more to it. The treading on eggshells, a wall between you.

Errata

my eldest son has AS and can be hard work when trying to have a conversation. him and OH have never been best buddies and looking back now, i dont think OH has ever liked my son.

A man who dislikes a child with LD loses the right to be treated as a man.

DKLS

Judi wrote: »

Step-children. are they "yours"?

of course they are yours. They just have another Mummy/Daddy that's all.

Yours for as long as the relationship lasts then your responsibility is over.