Step-children. are they "yours"?

Person_one

themull1 wrote: »

My oh lives with me at my house, and his son comes to visit, he sees his grown up kids regularly too. But i could never love his kids like i love my own - why would i? I dont understand how people can love stepkids as much as their own kids.

Do you believe that people can love adopted children like their own?

A stepchild may not be yours biologically, but sometimes that's the only difference, especially if you are involved from a young age and their other parent isn't around.

Its not always like that of course, but however close the relationship that child is a child of the family, deserving of equal consideration with every other child of the family.

ska_lover

sassyblue wrote: »

I know what you're saying but hubby should be gone before any kid is driven out.

Yes I agree, that is the point I was trying to make, probably quite badly though lol

Taadaa

Just awful. WE have two and they are both ours. Even if one had the misfortune of being biologically linked to the biggest twit in the universe. DH always says 'WE have a lad'.

Hope you managed to speak to your DS about it and ensure that he still feels welcome and a part of the family.

Your DH, on the other hand, is most certainly NOT welcome if he behaves like that again.

Taadaa

Oh and he owes your son an apology.

ellay864

Seems to me there's 2 very different things here.
Was OPs husband wrong to be so rude and spiteful about her son? Yes, absolutely. To refer to 'the boy' and then imply her son doesn't count is awful, and to do so when he could hear just makes it worse
But the title of the post simply asks about whether one would consider a step-child to be theirs and I don't see anything wrong with that answer being 'no'. My DH came on the scene when my boys were 9 and 12. They've always got on brilliantly, my boys are really fond of him and him of them BUT my lad have a great relationship with their dad, so DH was never in any way filling a father role. I also have 2 step kids, same age, but for some time I saw very little of them as their mum caused all kinds of fuss (and I didnt meet him until a year after they'd separated so that wasn't an issue). His kids were lied to by their mum about the reason they split up, about me and were very cagey towards me. Now we get on great and I have a good friendship with both of them. Do I love them like my own? No Does DH love mine as his own? No And neither of us have any problems with that.
The fact he doesn't consider them his has no bearing on the way he treats them or me. OPs husband is just an ignorant pig with no respect for her if can treat her and her son like that. To me, whether he sees them as his is immaterial

meritaten

themull1 wrote: »

My oh lives with me at my house, and his son comes to visit, he sees his grown up kids regularly too. But i could never love his kids like i love my own - why would i? I dont understand how people can love stepkids as much as their own kids.

Don't you? Then you wouldn't understand why my Grandson who regularly saw his real Father calls his Stepfather 'Dad' and his father by his first name. he is 16 btw.
but, to explain - my son-in-law loves my grandson - who knows it and returns that love.
If you really cannot understand that - how someone can love a child not their own, then thank the good goddess his son doesn't live with you.

System

My stepdad has been more of a dad to me than my bio dad, he's been a part of my life since I was about 4, he's done all the dad things dads do (that my bio father couldn't be bothered to do) and has always treated me like one of his own, blood is not always thicker than water. If you asked him how many kids he has he'd tell you 4, not just my 3 siblings, who incidentally may technically half siblings but to me they are my brother and sisters, I don't see them as lesser siblings.

I know not every person can feel that way about another persons hold but I respect those who do, as my stepdad has been a rock for me and if I could biologically have been his if have much proffered to have been!

POPPYOSCAR

themull1 wrote: »

My oh lives with me at my house, and his son comes to visit, he sees his grown up kids regularly too. But i could never love his kids like i love my own - why would i? I dont understand how people can love stepkids as much as their own kids.

That is a shame that you cannot see how this is possible - but it is, I can vouch for that.

FBaby

A stepchild may not be yours biologically, but sometimes that's the only difference, especially if you are involved from a young age and their other parent isn't around

Yes, in the instance that a step-pwc comes into the children life when they are little and the biological father is not in the scene, but if they are older and close to their own father, it can't possibly be compared with adoption.

What amazes me with this thread is that there almost seems to be an expectiation from some posters that step-pwcs should accept and love their step children as if they were their own. What a contrast to responses to threads started by non resident step parents, who complain about their step-children when they only see them once a month, and many responding that it is the step parent's house and therefore everything should be done to accomodate them.

I have always felt that people feel very differently on the basis on this issue on the basis of residency. Yes, spending more time with someone does normally lead to a stronger bond and affection, but sometimes it can be the other way around and it can make it worse. It seems to be the case in OP's situation. I get the feeling that her partner has some serious issues with the eldest son, but has kept his mouth shut, but sometimes, it comes out very innappropriately like it did yesterday. The thing is, would OP listen to him if he was to say things she might not like to hear.

Errata

Some parents are honest enough to admit they love one of their natural children slightly more than the others. Clearly that can also be the case with step-parents.
The OP's problem is that her OH has been cruel and vindictive towards someone he perceives to be weaker and more vulnerable than he is, and by default behaving that way towards the OP as well.
If the OP is still sharing a bed with her OH, she is saying to him there are no consequences to his display of spite. At the bare minimum the OH should be offering a heartfelt apology and giving an assurance it won't happen again so that normal domestic relations can be resumed.