Step-children. are they "yours"?

peachyprice

How awful, I would be heartbroken if my husband spoke about our (my) eldest two sons like that. They have always been treated equally in every way to the daughter we have together.

Georgiegirl256

Yes, IMO it is wrong.

I feel sorry for your son. I wonder what has made your husband change the way he thinks? He seems to be getting quite agitated and even somewhat aggressive about it. You need to find out, or this could cause major problems in your marriage and for your son.

Has he always accepted him as his own before this? I mean properly accepted him.

tattycath

My husband and I have 4children between us (none to each other) but all the children are ours and we both love them all and treat them all the same as we would if they were all biologically ours.

marisco_2

I think it is appalling that your husband chose to make it clear in such a thoughtless and spiteful manner, that there is a difference in his feelings between his own children and his step-child, all within ear shot of him. He comments on your eldest having his own useless dad, whilst showing no comprehension of how his attitude towards him means he is really failing him too.

When he got involved with you he must have been fully aware that yourself and your son came as a package. By marrying you he was also committing to being a positive and responsible influence in your sons life. Someone who would show him unconditional love and could be relied upon to always be there for him. You can never afford to take a half hearted approach to being around or raising children. I see in my job every day what a detrimental affect such reckless behaviour has on them. I am not at all surprised that you are finding his approach difficult to accept.

Firstly I would recommend speaking to your son and gaging his thoughts and feelings on what went on. Then there needs to be a very frank discussion with your husband. To not address this situation and resolve whatever has caused it, will eventually lead to the relationship between your son and your husband breaking down. It could also cause problems between yourself and your son if he doesn't see you defending him and setting the bar on what is and isn't an acceptable way to treat him.

Errata

Your OH's behaviour is intolerable, but I bet you're still sharing a bed with him.

sulkisu

Whether he regards your son as his, is one thing. To say such thoughtless, hurtful things in earshot of your son and frankly not give a toss whether he heard or not, is a completely different matter. That's just nasty.

POPPYOSCAR

I think you already know the answer to your question.



IMO he is wrong.

I have 3 step-children and we have two of our own - they are ALL our children. And as for the grand-children by my step-daughter I could not love them more than I do - they are my world!

Ballabriggs

Just looking at this from another angle, is it possible that something has happened between your husband and your son? What I mean is, at 17 is it possible that has your son been involved in something that your OH has had to deal with without your knowledge? I'm not trying to point fingers or shift blame here, I just remember some of the things that my brother got up to that were put under the heading of 'don't tell your mother' by my dad. There could be an under current of tension that you don't know about that your husband isn't dealing with very well.

Just a possible alternative explanation for this change in behaviour.

RobotsinDisguse

My personal perspective is slightly different since my dad's step family (step mum & two brothers) happened when he was grown up and he never thought of them as brothers, and didn't really like me calling them Uncles!
But it does mean I've seen the side of step families which is all Resentment & Regret. Sad but true.

I think your husband was out of order, as others have said, but I wonder why his feelings have changed (or become unable to suppress). Is your eldest nearing exams or going to college or uni? Could this be a financial worry having to pay for a child "who isn't his"? Thus leaving your joint kids to get less help? Or perhaps he's nearing going to work and doesn't want to be providing bed & board?
Or even if he's younger, Does he enjoy or shine at school in something your husband likes but perhaps your other son doesn't?

I'm basically wondering if there is a cause for resentment on the horizon that your husband has been brooding about? I'm sorry I have no advice for the situation, but knowing if there's a cause might help.

heartbreak_star

Out of order. Completely.

HBS x