Step-children. are they "yours"?

sassyblue

ska_lover wrote: »

I bet your poor heart broke for your son, after your OH outburst

You need to speak to your OH about this. This is not acceptable and if it carries on your son will be driven out of the house- and start looking for the quickest route to moving out that he can

I know what you're saying but hubby should be gone before any kid is driven out.

pops5588

Mojisola wrote: »

Even if the OP's son doesn't have his blood, they are living as a family and the house is his step-son's home.

Yes I agree, and I said in my first post on this thread that even if his step-father hasn't raised him his words and behaviour towards his step-son are still cruel and unnecessary.

The post of mine that you quoted was in response to a completely separate poster who said: "I have two step children and I love them as my own although as their mum likes to often remind me - they are not mine"

Robisere

I would first like to say that what this man did is wrong in many ways and you should not stand for it. Then I will describe my own situation and that of my two stepchildren, whom I love without steps and without reservation.

I had a partner in another country, we had a boy and a girl, the memories are soul destroying but I was forced out and back home when the children were 5 and 7, have not seen them since 1975 and it hurts, a lot, but I had to move on or give up, chose to move on.
Eventually I met the lovely, loving lady that I married, here we are 25 years later and it's still good. Serendipitous fact is that her two children are almost the same ages as my biological children, who by now had rejected every move I made to contact them (I could never blame them for that - they only saw dad walking away, did not see his tears.) My new lady was divorced from her cruel, workshy husband and I took to the grown kids right away. It took a while for them to realise that I was not in any way like their father, but we have grown happy together and I could not wish for a better son and daughter.
My son (I will not use 'stepson' or 'stepdaughter') had a bad marriage, broke up and his two into care until we rescued them and he set up a home for them. He has brought them up as a single parent, they think the world of their dad as well they should. My daughter also had a bad one, left her for his secretary and left her in loads of debt, with a month old baby son in a horrible old house. She worked all hours and with our help, has practically rebuilt the house. She now has a partner and a young daughter and we are a solid family unit.
I do not feel that their are any steps between any of us, I have always been the first to hold my grandchildren when they were born and I get a hug and a kiss from all of them to this day. That's 20 year old and 15 year old grandsons, and 17 and 8 year old granddaughters.
We have family outings, celebrations etc all together and each birthday is a trip to a local pub and/or beauty spot.

To me, that is how it should be. I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open and before I asked my wife the Big One, I asked her children how they would feel about me being their stepdad. To my great honour, they accepted me without question.

I'm sorry, but whatever "stress" your OH is under, it should not have caused him to do and say what he did. It appears to me that you are only now seeing him as he really is. You have a choice to make and I do not envy you. All the very best to you, I hope you come through this.

POPPYOSCAR

Robisere what a lovely post.

Love is love and is not always driven by "blood".

Good luck to you and your family.

ThriftyShelly

I second Poppy, your post brought me to tears Robisere, it is very moving
I have a wonderful step-father who sounds a lot like you, I am also fortunate enough to have two grown-up step children they have lived with me since they were little and a younger son with my partner, like you I refer to all of them as 'mine' I know that they are not all mine but their mum left them when they were very little and I never wanted them to feel that I didn't view them as my children, they have had enough rejection.


Going back to the OP, I would speak to your husband to see what's changed, he has referred to having three children in the past so it seems as though he is holding resentment towards your son which you will need to sort out before it comes to a head.


I know from being a step-child and being a step-parent that it is not always easy (we've had some whopper rows!) but things can we worked through if problems are discussed and not allowed to eat away at those involved.
Best of luck to your family

FBaby

sulkisu wrote: »

Whether he regards your son as his, is one thing. To say such thoughtless, hurtful things in earshot of your son and frankly not give a toss whether he heard or not, is a completely different matter. That's just nasty.

I totally agree with this. He doesn't have to consider your eldest son as his son, he doesn't have to love him like he loves his son just because you do. However, he owes him respect, and speaking the way he did is way out of what is acceptable.

gilly1964

When I first met and got to know my husbands children I was still hoping that we would have our own but it wasn't to be.

The children still have their mum, one lives with her and the youngest lives with us but they both know that their mum is their mum and that I am here as their best friend.

Over the last 17 years there has been many times when I have resented them, but as I once said to dear son I get his love, his tantrums and his heartache but I don't have the stretch marks, his mum has them. We regularly joke that I am the step monster, but the biggest compliment they have both given me is not correcting people when they refer to me as mum.

To the OP I too think your OH is in the wrong but I also think you need to find out why he came out with this.

Tiddlywinks

sulkisu wrote: »

Whether he regards your son as his, is one thing. To say such thoughtless, hurtful things in earshot of your son and frankly not give a toss whether he heard or not, is a completely different matter. That's just nasty.

FBaby wrote: »

I totally agree with this. He doesn't have to consider your eldest son as his son, he doesn't have to love him like he loves his son just because you do. However, he owes him respect, and speaking the way he did is way out of what is acceptable.

I agree... your OH deliberately raised his voice when you asked him to tone it down in case your son heard... that is just plain vindictive.

He went out of his way to hurt your son and you... not good.

You need to tell him how you feel about what happened. If he refuses to listen then that will be another indicator of his values.

Then, the only thing left is mediation / counselling or the end... unless you want to live with that behaviour.

themull1

My oh lives with me at my house, and his son comes to visit, he sees his grown up kids regularly too. But i could never love his kids like i love my own - why would i? I dont understand how people can love stepkids as much as their own kids.

Tiddlywinks

themull1 wrote: »

My oh lives with me at my house, and his son comes to visit, he sees his grown up kids regularly too. But i could never love his kids like i love my own - why would i? I dont understand how people can love stepkids as much as their own kids.

But would you go out of your way to be spiteful towards them?

That seems to be what the OP is describing.