Is everything always 50/50?

74jax

Before we got married I tried very hard to make everything 50/50 even though we were miles apart in salary (at the time OH earned maybe 4 times what I earned). He had his appartment and I had my flat. It used to annoy him that I would practically insist everything was as close to 50/50 as I could get it - looking back I have no idea why I did that.....

Now we're living together (and married), we pay the bills roughly split to our income, so pay 2 thirds and I pay a third. It's only roughly and it's just what we decided on when he moved in to my home.

Nothing is 50/50 with us anymore, he pays a hell of a lot more than me, but somehow (I don't know why) I just accept it now. He rents his appartment out now (nor mortgage) and that rental and his salary is maybe 4 times my salary so there's no way it could be.

PuzzledDave

"Here is the crux of the issue - according to my husband, in order to have an equal relationship we have to have paid for things 50/50."

Will he be having 50% of the breast cancer ?

Will he be carrying any future pregnancy for 50% of the time ?

No ? Then why is the number of £ earned/spent the only thing that needs to be shared 50/50 ? Marriage should be a partnership, not a careful accounting of each parties contribution.

Does anyone else get the mental image of this hunched, wizened scrooge like character with a ledger that carefully tracks his/her comings and goings.

Amanda65

Hi OP

I too think you OH sounds like an !!!!! but always try and remember that we are, obviously, only hearing one side of the argument on here. However, I have been with my OH for 27 years, through which time we have earned equal amounts, he earned while I was essentially a SAHM mum for about 6 years but with a bit of part time work and I have earned when he has had periods of redundancy. During all of this time we have had joint bank accounts and jointly owed the homes we have shared. Not once have either of us belittled each other about earning power etc. or felt that the other wasn't doing everything they could for the good of our family.

I think that there are probably some feelings of fear and resentment about the unfairness of your illness on your OH's part and would suggest that before jumping ship, you both consider some counselling to explore how that affected you both and your differing attitudes to money and responsibility.

And for the record, my OH is far more 'intelligent' than I am - but I'm the one with the common sense :rotfl::rotfl:

Polski73

DUTR wrote: »

Glad you posted that, as it seems many are voting for 50/50 when somebody else is putting the majority, if the tables were turned on gender, the responses are likely to be get rid of this 'loser'.

It staggered me how the negative replies are mainly from women who are earning less than their OH and are saying don't put the money you get from your flat into the family home but keep it for yourself just in case we should be encouraging them to talk, if they've made it through cancer together there must be something good between them.

I earn less than my partner and when I came into a bit of money from an inheritance I put it all in to the mortgage and now our mortgage is going to paid off much quicker (less a little for some very nice shoes I'd been forcing myself not to buy for ages and a holiday for us both) . Up until that point I wasn't on the mortgage as I had a rubbish credit history and when we looked for deals I ended up making it more expensive than him alone

Making a little bit of a assumption here but why didn't you sell your flat when he first bought this house? Looking 2 years back it was probably not a great time to sell and perhaps your husband - who you said is sensible with money - probably wanted to protect you from a loss.

As for the main house surely you have been living in it, choosing how to decorate it or has your OH consigned you to the garage until you come up with the cash?! That would mean he has put in the deposit, pay less to the mortgage, you have all the benefit of the house AND you keep your flat at the same time (do you rent it out too?) - that certainly doesn't seem fair. My question is why wouldn't you want to put what you have in the house.

As some other people have said though, this is probably not about money, you DH has split the bills against your wages so there must be something else wrong. He clearly doesn't trust you with money though and there must be a reason behind that...

...perhaps it's best you talk to each other.

arbroath_lass

9teen80 wrote: »

He only mentions me earning more when I point out that things can't be 50/50 as I earn a third of his salary - at which point he says I'm perfectly capable of earning more and should be more ambitious.

You already earn more than me, I am happy with my lot. At what point is enough enough? Does quality of life not come into your husband's thinking? Especially with you having been so ill. That is normally enough to make people reconsider where their lives are going.


I'm sorry your husband sounds like money is his first (and last) love. I couldn't (wouldn't) play second fiddle to £1s.


You sound like a lovely person, I'm sorry your husband is being such an !!!. Best of luck whatever you do. And all good wishes for your continuing good health.

arbroath_lass

Polski73 wrote: »

It staggered me how the negative replies are mainly from women who are earning less than their OH and are saying don't put the money you get from your flat into the family home but keep it for yourself just in case we should be encouraging them to talk, if they've made it through cancer together there must be something good between them.

...perhaps it's best you talk to each other.

I earn slightly more than my OH. it has ALWAYS been OUR money. We've been married 23 years.


To be fair it doesn't matter how couples organise their money as long as they are both happy. The OP is not. And her husband appears to be holding her lack of earnings(!) against her. It is not at all pleasant to be told you are a scrounger every time you raise the issue. This is what her husband is doing.


I hope they do manage to work it out but the OP is wise to hang on to her flat in the meantime. She at least then has somewhere to go if she needs it.

Buzzybee90

My boyfriend and I have shared money since we both got full time jobs and we aren't even married. Our friends think it's odd but each to their own. Not to judge the OPs husband but I thought marriage was about giving yourself to your husband/ wife completely and sharing everything - experiences, money, possessions etc.

I think this situation is a bit strange - do you have your own house possessions etc too? I mean like settees, beds, bigger purchases.

marisco_2

Each couple will have their own opinion on how finances should be handled in their relationship. To me once married there should be no 'yours and mine', but 'ours'. I think it is a pity that your husband fails to appreciate, that what is contributed to a successful partnership comes down to way more than just money. I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis OP and hope you will make a full recovery soon.

Pricivius

Putting aside the 50/50 issue, what stands out to me is OH's put-downs. I would not accept my partner gloating over his superior intelligence, his higher savings, his increased salary etc. That's just wrong, whatever way you slice it. Why the need to put OP down so much? Insecurity?

My OH is nothing but supportive... and he does earn more than me and have more savings and is probably more intelligent than me, although I would say we are smart in different ways! But he wouldn't dream of rubbing it in or lording it over me. On the contrary, he is proud of my achievements as anyone's OH should be.

As for the 50/50 issue, were not married so I think things are very different, but we do split things 50/50. The new flat is in both our names and we put down equal deposits and will pay 50% of the mortgage and bills each. Will this change if we marry or over time? Maybe, but for now it works for us and we're both happy with it.

But I think this runs a lot deeper that the 50/50 issue as your OH seems very insecure...

devonbird71

9teen80 wrote: »

I have made the decision that the market is now right to sell my flat. I'm looking at releasing around £30,000 in equity. I suggested to my husband that this £30k was put into the house, building a new extension that we have been discussing for a while. He feels however that this is not the best use of the money and that it should be paid into the mortgage instead (borrowing the money for the extension).

Here is the crux of the issue - according to my husband, in order to have an equal relationship we have to have paid for things 50/50. Therefore he has said if I want to "buy into" the house, I have to put in exactly the same amount he did (£28500 deposit, plus stamp duty) - around £39,000 in total. I don't have that money, even with selling my flat.
K

if my maths is right £28500 plus half the stamp duty (£4225 if its @3%) would be £32,725 - if the deposit was 10%. Could you not just pay the £30k into the mortgage and then make some monthly over payments for the rest? That way you've paid the same as him and it's fair.

I'm in a civil partnership and I went in knowing my partner is rubbish with money (although as we share the same dress size I do benefit sometimes from her excess ). Anyway, because I knew she was bad with money we have always kept that side of things separate. I regularly moan at her when something breaks in the house and I have to use my savings. The boiler went just before Christmas and I had to take £3k out of my savings and I really did resent her when she told me she couldn't afford to contribute because whilst she earns about the same as me, she thinks money is for the 'here and now'.

Marriage is not about giving up who you were before marriage or having to deal with the fall out from a irresponsible partner just because you each have a ring on your finger. Perhaps he thinks that if you're left with this money burning a hole in your pocket you'll fritter it away and by putting it into the house that won't happen...

...only you know if that is the case.