Is everything always 50/50?

Pollycat

I would be very wary of this man.

I have a friend who worked full-time, left her job to start a family and - joint decision - she became a SAHM.

Her husband kept her chronically short of money, even making her pay for some of the monthly bills out of her child benefit.

She scrimped and saved to buy gifts for the children and family - he insisted she had to pay half of this.

He left her (with 3 children) for someone else.

I'd keep that flat too.

FBaby

I don't think there is any right or wrong about whether things should be divided 50/50 it is all about perception, culture, backgrounds etc... What I don't understand is your husband motive since as a married couple of your were to divorce it wouldn't really matter who owns what. My husband and I are in a similar situation in that the house we reside in his under his name only despite me contributing towards the mortgage and my previous house being rented out in my name only. We have both drafted wills together (additional issue is that i have children from previous relationship) but now we are married the solicitor confirmed that it doesn't matter which name is on the deeds (although it could make it more complicated).

platty65

Hi 9teen80, I'm was in a similar situation to you about 10 years ago

When my husband and I were courting we had similar paying jobs but after we got married my career really took off and he kept getting passed over, eventually he quit with depression. I became the main bread-winner, we worked through things, he got help and eventually he got a new job but this paid very little and so I took on the household bills pretty much 100% and he would pay for food, holidays and weekends away.

About 10 years ago I got cancer (I won't bore people but I'm sure you understand 4cm ER+PR+HER2- No LN involvement). My husband couldn't take it, had an affair at work and ran for the hills leaving me with the ordeal of treatment. We got divorced shortly after my treatment finished and we split things 50/50, I felt so cheated that I'd looked after him and when I needed him he let me down so in my book if your husband has shouldered the responsibility of supporting you through cancer then he is a keeper.

Reading through other posts, what people on here who haven't been through cancer may not realise is that cancer changes you and you may not have the same goals anymore, It seems strange that he would pay all the bills whilst you're ill and split the bills based on your salaries in your relationship so far, yet he wants 50/50 for the family house which you both have a 50/50 benefit from. Could this be him wanting to know you're still committed to the relationship?

Personally if this is just about putting the money into the house then as people have said if you did get divorced you would either get what you have put in or more likely as the lower earner you would get more out. Has he offered to put you on the mortgage/deeds if you put in the same stake...if so you're getting the benefit so why would you not want to?

fivetide

9teen80 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. That's how all this started - before we moved out the flat, I quit a job I hated. It nearly broke our marriage. He said he'd warned me 18 months before that I needed to look for a new job if I wasn't happy. He now says he doesn't trust me at all financially and that I should've taken his advice in the first place and found a new job when advised me to. I know that makes sense, but sometimes you have to pick your own sanity.

Thanks again for your reply.

TBH he sounds like a bully.

A skinflint bully too.

Mojisola

platty65 wrote: »

Reading through other posts, what people on here who haven't been through cancer may not realise is that cancer changes you and you may not have the same goals anymore

Not just cancer - any long term or serious health problem can make you realise what's really important.

There is much more to life than the size of your salary, especially when both of you are already earning above the national average.

bagpussbear

Sounds like this has become an intolerable situation for you OP, and I agree that it might be wise to move back to your flat for a while to think about what you want to do.

I hope that both of you find a way to keep talking and resolve this, but I do fear this man doesn't seem to realise what a partnership truly is and is too focused on money and success.

I mean you earn a very good wage already, and how can you put into a house that is already a joint asset of the marriage?!

Remember your flat will be considered as an asset too in the event of a divorce.

I really do feel for you.

hazyjo

Sorry, didn't mean it to sound quite as it did when I said about the 2 year thing. Just pointing something out she might not have been aware of.

My ex-husband tried to take 50/50 before he realised he wasn't entitled - it caused a massive row. I'd been breaking myself in half to be more than fair so I do know how it feels to have it done to you Things had been so amicable until he came home (drunk as usual) and started going on about taking half of everything, even though I'd put over £100k more in than him. He still ended up coming out of it far better than when he'd come into it...

Jx

mysecretalias

Absolutely ridiculous. Sorry, but your husband does not sound like a very nice person, and it certainly does not sound like he loves and respects you as he should.

In a relationship things shouldn't have to be defined in terms of how much each is paying into it. I've been with my OH for 3 years and throughout the course of that I've financially supported him whilst he's done a uni degree, and he's supported me through financial struggles brought about by my ex. It's give and take. If either of us ever once suggested we were putting more in financially than the other, then it would set off major alarm bells.

I would be giving your husband a good talking to if I were you. Personally if it were me I would be leaving unless he bucked his ideas up. And to make you feel like less of a contributor just because your cancer treatment means you are unable to have children for a while - disgusting.

9teen80

The irony is I have no interest in getting his money in any divorce - I would quite happily move back to my flat without a penny from the house or his savings etc. I'm not money orientated at all, as is probably quite obvious from this whole sorry situation.

LannieDuck

It sounds like he's still viewing you both as individuals rather than a married couple. Perhaps, as you say, it's because of his family's history with divorce.

I think you and he need to have a proper chat about finances. It's silly for him to say you can only invest in the house if it's 50:50 when you don't have 50% to put in... but you do potentially have a large lump sum that could considerably reduce the mortgage and interest payments.

Either you're a financial partnership or you're two individuals. Both can work - plenty of couples keep their finances separate, but you need to know how he views the relationship. If you're a partnership, it may make sense for you to sell your flat and invest in the house. If you're two individuals, it makes no sense for you to sell the only investment you have.