Is everything always 50/50?

BitterAndTwisted

Ask him this: what benefit is there in you selling your flat and using the proceeds to reduce the mortgage and then taking out a loan for the extension versus using the proceeds to finance the extension alone. If he's not totally financially illiterate he would know that it would be cheaper to finance the extension with the proceeds as the interest paid on a loan would be greater than the interest on the mortgage.

I suspect that what he's thinking is that the proceeds would be used to reduce HIS mortgage, putting any funds totally out of your reach in the event of a split and eventual divorce. That you've only been married for two years to date would mean that he is right for the moment.

I'd be having a great deal of worry over being in a marriage with someone so apparently calculating.

balletshoes

Padstow wrote: »

Sounds like he protecting himself in case you part before having children. You'd get half the proceeds so you must have contributed half.

I can't make up my mind whether he's tight or just careful. He paid all bills for a year in total and paid for private treatment. On the other hand he can prove what he's spent on the house. I doubt whether you though, have kept food and petrol receipts.
That's either crafty on his part or totally accidental.

He does sound as one of those men who count blood being thicker than water in his remark that come children, the 50/50 rule won't apply.


If he's a good man in all other respects, surely this quirk of his wouldn't end the marriage?

I see what you're saying Padstow - however, if my OH were "warning" me that if I left a job I had to have another, even if I were making myself ill over it, and if he had a go at me regularly about not having savings/as much savings as he had, I'd have to add that to the mix of how good a man he was, as a life partner for me.

My OH and I have very different attitudes to money, we've never done the 50/50 thing, we have in the past done the percentage based on our earnings thing, which worked when we were both bringing in a set stable amount as earnings.

I couldn't have, and won't now, deal with someone nagging me about income or savings. We're all different, but nagging just puts peoples backs up, it doesn't appear to have encouraged the OP in any way, quite the reverse!

Padstow

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Ask him this: what benefit is there in you selling your flat and using the proceeds to reduce the mortgage and then taking out a loan for the extension versus using the proceeds to finance the extension alone. If he's not totally financially illiterate he would know that it would be cheaper to finance the extension with the proceeds as the interest paid on a loan would be greater than the interest on the mortgage.

I suspect that what he's thinking is that the proceeds would be used to reduce HIS mortgage, putting any funds totally out of your reach in the event of a split and eventual divorce. That you've only been married for two years to date would mean that he is right for the moment.

I'd be having a great deal of worry over being in a marriage with someone so apparently calculating.

Not if a loan was repaid in five years and a mortgage in twenty five.

I can't imagine he was expecting OP to take a loan of her own for the extension.
There must be £130,000 combined income, the mortgage, judging by the low deposit, could be paid off in no time.

I don't consider it to be so much about money now though. Not since I read the remark about his intelligence.
Little digs like that can be so wearing. Then children come along and you don't wish to rock the boat. Before you know it, you have become worn down from all the sniping.
After all, if he can't be sweet during the honeymoon phase?

Katem

What a sad situation for you OP.

Whatever he is (skinflint etc, emotional bully, good/bad husband, good/bad support etc) I often think people have a tendency to see things from their side of the fence, and ONLY their side.

Have you tried turning the argument on it's head? Put him in your situation and ask him to think about how he'd feel if the boot were on the other foot. I would imagine he might feel differently!

He sounds insecure, in the way he is controlling with money, reminding you how intelligent he is etc. It's almost as though he is looking for reassurance that he's still "the best". If he's grown up in a family that's been chaotic or broken, he might feel as though he always has to be top dog, or better than everyone else. I'd imagine that he has low self esteem under all his controlling ways* and feels insecure - maybe as a result of your illness. Could it be that illness is something that makes him feel insecure?

* Not that low self esteem etc even goes any way towards excusing his behaviour IMO.

TBH in your situ I would be having a long think and deciding if he can be lived with in this manner, and if he can't - would he change/can you get to the bottom of why he behaves like this, and if not, then the situation is untenable.

Does he treat other people like this? Remind them how intelligent he is etc? How does he treat his female relatives/friends? His male relatives/friends?

I hope you're fully recovered from your illness

Padstow

balletshoes wrote: »

I see what you're saying Padstow - however, if my OH were "warning" me that if I left a job I had to have another, even if I were making myself ill over it, and if he had a go at me regularly about not having savings/as much savings as he had, I'd have to add that to the mix of how good a man he was, as a life partner for me.

My OH and I have very different attitudes to money, we've never done the 50/50 thing, we have in the past done the percentage based on our earnings thing, which worked when we were both bringing in a set stable amount as earnings.

I couldn't have, and won't now, deal with someone nagging me about income or savings. We're all different, but nagging just puts peoples backs up, it doesn't appear to have encouraged the OP in any way, quite the reverse!

I changed my opinion a few posts back balletshoes.
OP hasn't mentioned whether he was very kind to her during the cancer. I mean taking her to appts etc.
Only she knows how she feels, but sometimes just spilling it all out clarifies things.

LannieDuck

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I suspect that what he's thinking is that the proceeds would be used to reduce HIS mortgage, putting any funds totally out of your reach in the event of a split and eventual divorce.

That's a very devious way of looking at it, and something I hadn't considered when I replied. Definitely worth the OP bearing in mind...

burnoutbabe

you could go 30/70 into the house and hold it as tennants in common rather than joint tennants.

It seems reasonableish to me, currently he doesn't have 50% of your place so why should you have 50% of his?

Prothet_of_Doom

Padstow wrote: »

No a spouse would not be entitled to half an inheritance after four days of marriage.

No a spouse would not be entitled to half if their total time together had been two years. They would each walk away with what they put in.

Really? Makes sense, but in this case, it seems the husband knows the law, and is protecting his investment because he doesn't see it being a long marriage. He's not started married life with the intention to share the rest of his life. !!!! I say.

DUTR

9teen80 wrote: »

The irony is I have no interest in getting his money in any divorce - I would quite happily move back to my flat without a penny from the house or his savings etc. I'm not money orientated at all, as is probably quite obvious from this whole sorry situation.

Glad you posted that, as it seems many are voting for 50/50 when somebody else is putting the majority, if the tables were turned on gender, the responses are likely to be get rid of this 'loser'.
You are an individual couple and have to deal with situations that suit you both, just because hundreds of internet strangers say things should run a certain way, doesn't become so in practice.
You only have to look at the amount of "New ID created because...."
Only your husband knows why he behaves this way, but whether you or he, you can't blame him for being wary, whilst not everybody gets fleeced on seperation, some do and perhaps he just wants to insure he is not one of them.

browneyedbazzi

burnoutbabe wrote: »

It seems reasonableish to me, currently he doesn't have 50% of your place so why should you have 50% of his?

'His' house was bought during the marriage with money earned during the marriage. Totally different to a property purchased/owned by OP before they were married.