Is everything always 50/50?

Addiscomber

Polski73 wrote: »

It staggered me how the negative replies are mainly from women who are earning less than their OH and are saying don't put the money you get from your flat into the family home but keep it for yourself just in case

OK. I am one of those who suggested that the OP keeps her flat, at least for the moment. My reasoning is that if she wants time and space to sort her head out, or if they end up splitting up, she will need it to move into. Buying and selling property involves significant costs and I think the OP needs to be sure of how she sees her future going before incurring those. I'm also not sure that the husband considers the house to be a family home. He seems to have made it clear that it is his house.

Polski73 wrote: »

My question is why wouldn't you want to put what you have in the house.

From one or two of the bits of your post that I haven't quoted I don't think that you have read the whole thread, but if you had you would know that she is willing and suggested that she fund an extension, but according to her husband she has to buy into the house as it exists and she doesn't have enough to match his contribution, which is what he insists on.

9teen80

He was very supportive during treatment and accompanied me to all medical appointments. Don't get me wrong, there have been some meltdown moments accompanying the whole treatment process, but I guess that is to be expected with such a stressful time. He has paid all the bills/mortgage etc since my diagnosis, however I am now back at work full time and will now begin to pay my share. I have though as I said before, contributed by buying things for the house, I pay for the car, the fuel and food. After all he do only paying the bills/mortgage on what he has made very clear is his own house.

But as I said, I do not take anything away from the pressure he took from me by taking this on during my treatment. The 50/50 thing had reared it's head way before my diagnosis however.

I think counselling may be our last chance to find some sort of common ground. I have mentioned this to him before and he has not been keen, however I fear we may be running out of options.

Person_one

9teen80 wrote: »

But as I said, I do not take anything away from the pressure he took from me by taking this on during my treatment. The 50/50 thing had reared it's head way before my diagnosis however.

You don't get brownie points for paying bills that you can easily afford while your partner has cancer treatment! Honestly, that's the sort of thing you should just be able to count on, without having to consider it. After all, what kind of person would be toting up their partner's half of the outgoings while they're having chemo or recovering from surgery?

Goldiegirl

Everything in our marriage is completely shared.


At various times we've both been on similar salaries, at others I've been the higher earner, and other times my husband has been the higher earner. But it doesn't matter to us who earns what - the money goes into a joint account and is ours


The OP's husband sounds very controlling, and the situation described would be completely unacceptable to me.


I simply would not have permitted the purchase of the matrimonial home to be in his name only. A lender requires the mortgage and the property to be in the same names. So a sole mortgage means a sole home owner.


If I was in a relationship with someone who took that stance, if would be over at the time of the house purchase. That level of financial control over me would be intolerable, I wouldn't be able to move on from that point.


If the OP continues in this relationship, she'll be letting herself in or a lifetime of control -I personally think it best to end things now

9teen80

I do appreciate him being able to cover all the bills and take away that concern throughout my treatment. He is very quick to point out though that if the situation were reversed and he had cancer, I would not be able to take all the bills/mortgage from him. This I think mainly comes down to him getting the mortgage, based on his £85k salary and setting the repayments at £1600 a month. I understand completely why he wanted higher payments in order to bring the duration of the mortgage down - I just don't think it's fair to say that due to me not earning the same as him, I would not be able to cover everything.

I really do appreciate everybody's points of view and I have read carefully through every post. As people have pointed out, there are 2 sides to every story and I'm sure my husband would put across his side differently. I do believe he would stand by his 50/50 is the only way of making a relationship equal approach.

LannieDuck

9teen80 wrote: »

I have though as I said before, contributed by buying things for the house, I pay for the car, the fuel and food. After all he do only paying the bills/mortgage on what he has made very clear is his own house.

I don't follow his logic here. If he thinks of the house as 'his' because he's paying for it, presumably the car is 'yours' because you're paying for it?

So he pays for his house, you pay for your car... shouldn't the fuel, food and utility bills be split 50:50? Or do the utility bills approximately equal the food+fuel?

Brighton_belle

9teen80 wrote: »

He is very quick to point out though that if the situation were reversed and he had cancer, I would not be able to take all the bills/mortgage from him. .

Well I presume as he is a high earner and so financially savvy, he has taken out life insurance policies that mean on confirmed diagnosis of a 'dread disease' his mortgage would be paid off in full any way?

kindofagilr

I am sorry your OH is being like this, personally I could not be in a relationship like that. I find your OH very cruel

kindofagilr

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Everything in our marriage is completely shared.


At various times we've both been on similar salaries, at others I've been the higher earner, and other times my husband has been the higher earner. But it doesn't matter to us who earns what - the money goes into a joint account and is ours


The OP's husband sounds very controlling, and the situation described would be completely unacceptable to me.


I simply would not have permitted the purchase of the matrimonial home to be in his name only. A lender requires the mortgage and the property to be in the same names. So a sole mortgage means a sole home owner.


If I was in a relationship with someone who took that stance, if would be over at the time of the house purchase. That level of financial control over me would be intolerable, I wouldn't be able to move on from that point.


If the OP continues in this relationship, she'll be letting herself in or a lifetime of control -I personally think it best to end things now

Agree with every single thing you have said xx

steb4life

I am OP's OH and there are two sides to this story...

It's been interesting reading the posts and seeing people quick to judge. I think someone asked if I had been to all my OHs cancer appointments - every single one and sat with her during her chemo, fed her water through a straw after her surgery despite being told to leave as visiting time was over by a bitter nurse! Noone commented on how I'd been paying 100% of the bills throughout that period either or even now after my OH is now back at work full time which clearly shows it's not about what I earn or what my OH earns. This I don't mind, it's the Internet after all. I also took out redundancy protection as great expense just in case I also lost my job during her treatment.

During her treatment she was still being paid but had none of the bills so I assumed she would be nesting the money away in case something happened to me and so that when her sick pay ran out she would still have some of her own money. What I found out though is she had been secretly paying (still is) back two £5000 & £7500 loans she had taken out without telling me - a fact she seems to have omitted...

Why did she take out a secret loan? 3 months before we got married and with a £20k wedding to pay for she decided she wanted to quit her job. Instead of using her notice period to find a new job she just got stuck into wedding planning with her mum hoping a 'pipe-dream' of a consulting job was going to pay off. Despite me sitting down and showing her the figures didn't add up she went ahead and as predicted, the work wasn't there and she was now unemployed, She didn't listen, she kept spending what she didn't have and then expected me to pick up the pieces. Marriage is not a licence for stupidity, I believe if you make a mistake, knowing the consequences beforehand, you should fix it yourself.

Do I moan at my OH about money - yes. Why? Because she has been irresponsible, lied and seems to think what's hers (the flat) is hers and I should pay for everything else. I asked her to put the same stake into the house because if she could have sold the flat when I bought the house she would have put the money in then so why not now? At the time I thought the flat would make a great rental property (which it has) and so would effectively provide her with a savings plan but because tenants every once in a while need something doing she doesn't want the hassle and so is selling it, she will be selling it at a considerable gain and with the additional benefit of the rental income reducing her capital outlay - but she wants to put in a lower share to the house and keep some of the money for herself despite the fact that had I not had the money to buy the house and with her being unemployed she would have had to sell the flat at a loss or we would still be living there.

So now the extension (which we do not need): I want her to put the money into the house so come Nov when the mortgage deal comes to an end we will have a better Loan-to-Value percentage and therefore qualify for better deals and saving £31,000 in interest payments seems like an additional win. I wanted us to save (30/70) £15k and then get a loan of £25000 to fund a £30k extension with a £10k contingency. The interest on a 5 year loan is LESS than the interest we would save on the mortgage over the same period (i.e. £31,000 / 20 year mortgage x 5 year loan period = £7750). That's why I don't want to use the money for an extension and would rather it goes into the mortgage. The extension would increase the value of the property but a ceiling price the area would mean we wouldn't get the same reduced LTV as putting the money straight in to the mortgage. I'm a firm believer in using debt wisely and as long as the thing you're borrowing for will benefit you long after you have paid the loan back or will increase in value (as it would the whole house) it's a no brainer.

My issues with money do not stem from divorce in my family, they stem from not having very much growing up and never wanting to ever be in debt. I want to be able to say yes to my children when they want to go on a school trip as I know the disappointment having felt it myself (alongside no holidays, no clothes etc etc). As such I work, I study to better out prospects and with the money I do have spare after the bills are paid, I save. My OH has enough disposable income after her contribution to the bills to save but she chooses to spend it instead. I knew my OH wasn't good with money before we married and that's why we don't have joint accounts. It's like the Eurozone issues where countries aren't alligned in their values towards money and so end up getting everyone in trouble - this however doesn't mean they can't have relationships with each other because of the other things they like about each other.

As for the comment about being more intelligent, that was an off-hand remark based on something a friend of hers had said about her partner (she was a solicitor and he was a plumber) she told him to his face that she was 'at least' seven times more intelligent. I jokingly said the same to wind my OH up - it is not a regularly occurence and in fact only yesterday I suggested she applied for the job I am leaving as I thought she would be better at it than me. It's not about my OH earning more so we have more money coming in, it's about seeing someone wasting their potential.

I still see a good relationship as being 50/50 - it's not always 50/50 at every point in time for everything - be it money or jobs around the house or anything else, it will sometimes skew one way or be skewed in the other but ultimately over the long term it should balance itself out. I have shouldered the financial burden whilst my OH was off work so she didn't have to think about it and could concentrate on getting well. Now that she is back well and is coming into a windfall, why should that not benefit us both?