Is everything always 50/50?

DUTR

FBaby wrote: »

It's very rare to have both sides of one story here. Inevitably it shows that there are always two sides to a story with some key elements omitted for the benefit of one's position. I had a gut feeling that there was an issue with work into it. My husband is very generous and would always support me in need but he has made it clear that he wouldn't be happy to support me in leisure even we could afford it. Similarly he wouldn't be happy for me to spend all my disposable income on luxuries when we have agreed for him to pay a significant larger chunk of the mortgage and yet still make sure to put some into savings.

It sounds like OP and her husband need to have this discussion in private and be totally honest about their resentment towards each other to move forward as clearly there are some clear misunderstandings.

As you mention there is always 2 sides to a story, and yes irrespective of gender, whilst the fantasy of being kept is possible for a few, it is not always desirable by the one being kept or the keeper that's not 50/50.

steb4life

kindofagilr wrote: »

Thank you for posting your side of it

I agree with your points that the flat sale should go into the house BUT her name needs to be added to the deeds, what I dont understand is why her name wasnt on it originally or hasnt been added now?

Simply because she had quit her job, already had a mortgage on the flat and therefore I had access to better deals without her being on the mortgage. Ultimately it meant the mortgage was cheaper, she could keep the flat and we could still have a family home.

Amanda65

In my earlier post (#64) I did say that obviously we only had one side of the story so it is interesting to hear the other side.

But - why on earth are a married couple (if indeed this is two people typing) arguing on an internet forum rather than talking to each other or speaking to a counsellor?

9teen80

As I said myself, always two sides to every story.

I agree, thrashing it out on a public forum is no way to behave in a marriage, is cringesome. Hopefully he will agree to Relate.

DUTR

Amanda65 wrote: »

In my earlier post (#64) I did say that obviously we only had one side of the story so it is interesting to hear the other side.

But - why on earth are a married couple (if indeed this is two people typing) arguing on an internet forum rather than talking or speaking to a counsellor?

Sorry , yes you did.
It does puzzle me as odd that they have this arrangement but not because I'm a bloke, something tells me that this topic was discussed before the marriage and someone has had a slight change of focus, illness is bad and does change one's outlook on life.

Padstow

9teen80 wrote: »

He was very supportive during treatment and accompanied me to all medical appointments. Don't get me wrong, there have been some meltdown moments accompanying the whole treatment process, but I guess that is to be expected with such a stressful time. He has paid all the bills/mortgage etc since my diagnosis, however I am now back at work full time and will now begin to pay my share. I have though as I said before, contributed by buying things for the house, I pay for the car, the fuel and food. After all he do only paying the bills/mortgage on what he has made very clear is his own house.

But as I said, I do not take anything away from the pressure he took from me by taking this on during my treatment. The 50/50 thing had reared it's head way before my diagnosis however.

I think counselling may be our last chance to find some sort of common ground. I have mentioned this to him before and he has not been keen, however I fear we may be running out of options.

This is really the crux of it. The Marital Home, as known in law.

You feel he's kept it as his own. Probably you're not on the mortgage due to you already having one. Maybe he was advised thus.
He feels you are not committed because you are keeping your prior home, the flat a place to run to if the going gets tough. All options open. He's right in thinking that, as you are planning to do so. (Not blaming you as I'd be scared too.) Hope you never threatened that?

So you'll need to discuss selling the flat with him. Let him do it as he's the financial wizard.
He'd have to be an absolute B to ask for the shortfall. If he does you have your answer that he cares more about money than your relationship.

It's not a gamble to sell your flat. If in the short term the marriage failed, you'd receive the capital you put in. In the long term, you would receive part of the capital from the MH anyway.

Most important is for you not to stress. Going back to your flat and worrying there is not going to help your health.

See what he says about you committing fully by giving up the flat.

Please let us all know.

pops5588

I agree with various elements of both sides.

a) Me and my OH see what we have as ours. We won't have joint accounts until we are married but we have been together a long time and are both working together on a future that involves us becoming a married couple. Currently we both earn the same but that is because my OH is on a training contract to be come a chartered accountant. When he qualifies at the end of this year his income will immediately go up to a considerable amount more than mine. We have already discussed that our contributions to bills etc. will be adjusted accordingly. If I had done nothing to break my OH's trust (see point c) I would be incredibly hurt if he suddenly started making me feel guilty for my lesser contributions which are inevitably going to happen because of his career path.

b) I don't think it is wise in a relationship for one person to be totally clueless of the finances. I've already posted about this on another thread a while ago, but my Grandmother didn't know anything about the money side of her marriage and then my Grandfather got dementia and parkinsons. She had to learn an entire lifetime's finances very quickly. Leaving emotions at the door, from a purely practical point of view I don't think it's a good idea for one of the partners in a relationship to be clueless as to what is going on.

c) I will say if I took out a secret loan of any kind and my OH found out, I would completely understand if he suddenly had a lacking of trust in my finances or my financial competency. I would feel the need to regain his trust and faith.

d) I wouldn't be on this forum once my husband joined the "debate". Now is the time for face-to-face discussion.

e) However I don't agree with any household responsibilities or contributions being held over anyone's head when they have gone through being diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Sorry husband of OP, but your first paragraph of your first post stinks of emotional blackmail. It shocks me that you would even consider using that as ammunition in an argument.

marisco_2

Person_one wrote: »

Are you equally funny? Equally kind? Equally hard working? Of exactly equal intelligence?

The only thing equal in this relationship is each persons intent on pushing the self destruct button on it. It is very apparent that any form of positive or effective communication between either of them went out the window ages ago. Resulting in all their bitter resentment of each other being played out on a public forum!

Tenyearstogo

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

Padstow

steb4life wrote: »

I am OP's OH and there are two sides to this story...

It's been interesting reading the posts and seeing people quick to judge. I think someone asked if I had been to all my OHs cancer appointments - every single one and sat with her during her chemo, fed her water through a straw after her surgery despite being told to leave as visiting time was over by a bitter nurse! Noone commented on how I'd been paying 100% of the bills throughout that period either or even now after my OH is now back at work full time which clearly shows it's not about what I earn or what my OH earns. This I don't mind, it's the Internet after all. I also took out redundancy protection as great expense just in case I also lost my job during her treatment.

During her treatment she was still being paid but had none of the bills so I assumed she would be nesting the money away in case something happened to me and so that when her sick pay ran out she would still have some of her own money. What I found out though is she had been secretly paying (still is) back two £5000 & £7500 loans she had taken out without telling me - a fact she seems to have omitted...

Why did she take out a secret loan? 3 months before we got married and with a £20k wedding to pay for she decided she wanted to quit her job. Instead of using her notice period to find a new job she just got stuck into wedding planning with her mum hoping a 'pipe-dream' of a consulting job was going to pay off. Despite me sitting down and showing her the figures didn't add up she went ahead and as predicted, the work wasn't there and she was now unemployed, She didn't listen, she kept spending what she didn't have and then expected me to pick up the pieces. Marriage is not a licence for stupidity, I believe if you make a mistake, knowing the consequences beforehand, you should fix it yourself.

Do I moan at my OH about money - yes. Why? Because she has been irresponsible, lied and seems to think what's hers (the flat) is hers and I should pay for everything else. I asked her to put the same stake into the house because if she could have sold the flat when I bought the house she would have put the money in then so why not now? At the time I thought the flat would make a great rental property (which it has) and so would effectively provide her with a savings plan but because tenants every once in a while need something doing she doesn't want the hassle and so is selling it, she will be selling it at a considerable gain and with the additional benefit of the rental income reducing her capital outlay - but she wants to put in a lower share to the house and keep some of the money for herself despite the fact that had I not had the money to buy the house and with her being unemployed she would have had to sell the flat at a loss or we would still be living there.

So now the extension (which we do not need): I want her to put the money into the house so come Nov when the mortgage deal comes to an end we will have a better Loan-to-Value percentage and therefore qualify for better deals and saving £31,000 in interest payments seems like an additional win. I wanted us to save (30/70) £15k and then get a loan of £25000 to fund a £30k extension with a £10k contingency. The interest on a 5 year loan is LESS than the interest we would save on the mortgage over the same period (i.e. £31,000 / 20 year mortgage x 5 year loan period = £7750). That's why I don't want to use the money for an extension and would rather it goes into the mortgage. The extension would increase the value of the property but a ceiling price the area would mean we wouldn't get the same reduced LTV as putting the money straight in to the mortgage. I'm a firm believer in using debt wisely and as long as the thing you're borrowing for will benefit you long after you have paid the loan back or will increase in value (as it would the whole house) it's a no brainer.

My issues with money do not stem from divorce in my family, they stem from not having very much growing up and never wanting to ever be in debt. I want to be able to say yes to my children when they want to go on a school trip as I know the disappointment having felt it myself (alongside no holidays, no clothes etc etc). As such I work, I study to better out prospects and with the money I do have spare after the bills are paid, I save. My OH has enough disposable income after her contribution to the bills to save but she chooses to spend it instead. I knew my OH wasn't good with money before we married and that's why we don't have joint accounts. It's like the Eurozone issues where countries aren't alligned in their values towards money and so end up getting everyone in trouble - this however doesn't mean they can't have relationships with each other because of the other things they like about each other.

As for the comment about being more intelligent, that was an off-hand remark based on something a friend of hers had said about her partner (she was a solicitor and he was a plumber) she told him to his face that she was 'at least' seven times more intelligent. I jokingly said the same to wind my OH up - it is not a regularly occurence and in fact only yesterday I suggested she applied for the job I am leaving as I thought she would be better at it than me. It's not about my OH earning more so we have more money coming in, it's about seeing someone wasting their potential.

I still see a good relationship as being 50/50 - it's not always 50/50 at every point in time for everything - be it money or jobs around the house or anything else, it will sometimes skew one way or be skewed in the other but ultimately over the long term it should balance itself out. I have shouldered the financial burden whilst my OH was off work so she didn't have to think about it and could concentrate on getting well. Now that she is back well and is coming into a windfall, why should that not benefit us both?

I haven't read your post in full, I will after supper, but your opening lines involve me who asked the question; "Was he kind to you during your treatment" or some such. Your partner replied that you were very kind and attended all appointments with her.