Is everything always 50/50?

Padstow

Have you all scurried into your holes?

Goldiegirl

This is a bonkers thread.

Two people airing their private lives on the same thread.

Just sit down, in the same room and talk.

But Steb's side of the story didn't change my opinion that he is financially controlling. All I could see was 'I want, I want'

Gloomendoom

Padstow wrote: »

What's pointless F is those who gave up time to help her only to find it was a domestic row played out on MSE.

It isn't the first, just that this one was in stereo.

lostinrates

Padstow wrote: »

What's pointless F is those who gave up time to help her only to find it was a domestic row played out on MSE.

Most things we are invited to comment upon are domestic rows, just we hear one viewpoint.

Its not attractive to see it pLayed out here but a good reminder to us of the fact there are always two sides and perspective can be very different from each angle.

Its no more point,was to comment on this post than most others.


Op and husband I really do hope that now you are communicating you can continue to, and let go of old resentments, remember what drew you to each other and find a way through this. Good luck to you both in your future, whatever that might be.

mountainofdebt

Alikay wrote: »

We cross-posted, but from what you say, I wonder if your OH has some underlying resentment about the impact your cancer has had on his life -delaying children etc. If so, its harsh and unhelpful. I think you need to have a good talk to him about life and his expectation that it should
always turn out "fair".

Sorry but this really got my goat (and I doubt you meant it to lol!).....it wasn't as if the OP decided that having breast cancer would be a fun thing and hey just to put the icing on the cake, have to take medication for 5 yrs......if this is the case he needs to grow up.

I've never really got this 50/50 thing either.

We've been married nearly 24 years and although we have separate bank accounts, we share bills between us.

Pinzy

Your relationship has been through a Lot. Go to counselling, both of you. I realise it may be difficult if you (either of you) doesn't see why you've done anything wrong, however a trained person with experience in all sorts of relationships is far better than random internetters.

My DH wasn't keen on the idea of counselling if things went wrong, but did come round to my opinion of - it's your marriage, and if you love each other, (even if you're not feeling it now, you knew that you once did) wouldn't you give anything a try to see if it can work?

(p.s. and by "try", I mean more than one session!)

jenhug

It sounds like the pair of you don't actually like each other, let alone love each other.

Walk away and start afresh. Life is too short to play games.

FBaby

jenhug wrote: »

It sounds like the pair of you don't actually like each other, let alone love each other.

Walk away and start afresh. Life is too short to play games.

Life is too short to give up on a marriage that seems to be working well but for the issue of recent finances. Marriages are difficult, why do people assume it is has to be happy going every day for it to be worth? Are they enough divorces yet that we should advise anyone who is going through a difficult time that they should just move away.

Sorry but it gets to me that so many people seem to value marriage so little that they consider it ok to walk away from it at the first struggle.

Cottage_Economy

steb4life wrote: »

I am OP's OH and there are two sides to this story...

It's been interesting reading the posts and seeing people quick to judge. I think someone asked if I had been to all my OHs cancer appointments - every single one and sat with her during her chemo, fed her water through a straw after her surgery despite being told to leave as visiting time was over by a bitter nurse! Noone commented on how I'd been paying 100% of the bills throughout that period either or even now after my OH is now back at work full time which clearly shows it's not about what I earn or what my OH earns. This I don't mind, it's the Internet after all. I also took out redundancy protection as great expense just in case I also lost my job during her treatment.

During her treatment she was still being paid but had none of the bills so I assumed she would be nesting the money away in case something happened to me and so that when her sick pay ran out she would still have some of her own money. What I found out though is she had been secretly paying (still is) back two £5000 & £7500 loans she had taken out without telling me - a fact she seems to have omitted...

Why did she take out a secret loan? 3 months before we got married and with a £20k wedding to pay for she decided she wanted to quit her job. Instead of using her notice period to find a new job she just got stuck into wedding planning with her mum hoping a 'pipe-dream' of a consulting job was going to pay off. Despite me sitting down and showing her the figures didn't add up she went ahead and as predicted, the work wasn't there and she was now unemployed, She didn't listen, she kept spending what she didn't have and then expected me to pick up the pieces. Marriage is not a licence for stupidity, I believe if you make a mistake, knowing the consequences beforehand, you should fix it yourself.

Do I moan at my OH about money - yes. Why? Because she has been irresponsible, lied and seems to think what's hers (the flat) is hers and I should pay for everything else. I asked her to put the same stake into the house because if she could have sold the flat when I bought the house she would have put the money in then so why not now? At the time I thought the flat would make a great rental property (which it has) and so would effectively provide her with a savings plan but because tenants every once in a while need something doing she doesn't want the hassle and so is selling it, she will be selling it at a considerable gain and with the additional benefit of the rental income reducing her capital outlay - but she wants to put in a lower share to the house and keep some of the money for herself despite the fact that had I not had the money to buy the house and with her being unemployed she would have had to sell the flat at a loss or we would still be living there.

So now the extension (which we do not need): I want her to put the money into the house so come Nov when the mortgage deal comes to an end we will have a better Loan-to-Value percentage and therefore qualify for better deals and saving £31,000 in interest payments seems like an additional win. I wanted us to save (30/70) £15k and then get a loan of £25000 to fund a £30k extension with a £10k contingency. The interest on a 5 year loan is LESS than the interest we would save on the mortgage over the same period (i.e. £31,000 / 20 year mortgage x 5 year loan period = £7750). That's why I don't want to use the money for an extension and would rather it goes into the mortgage. The extension would increase the value of the property but a ceiling price the area would mean we wouldn't get the same reduced LTV as putting the money straight in to the mortgage. I'm a firm believer in using debt wisely and as long as the thing you're borrowing for will benefit you long after you have paid the loan back or will increase in value (as it would the whole house) it's a no brainer.

My issues with money do not stem from divorce in my family, they stem from not having very much growing up and never wanting to ever be in debt. I want to be able to say yes to my children when they want to go on a school trip as I know the disappointment having felt it myself (alongside no holidays, no clothes etc etc). As such I work, I study to better out prospects and with the money I do have spare after the bills are paid, I save. My OH has enough disposable income after her contribution to the bills to save but she chooses to spend it instead. I knew my OH wasn't good with money before we married and that's why we don't have joint accounts. It's like the Eurozone issues where countries aren't alligned in their values towards money and so end up getting everyone in trouble - this however doesn't mean they can't have relationships with each other because of the other things they like about each other.

As for the comment about being more intelligent, that was an off-hand remark based on something a friend of hers had said about her partner (she was a solicitor and he was a plumber) she told him to his face that she was 'at least' seven times more intelligent. I jokingly said the same to wind my OH up - it is not a regularly occurence and in fact only yesterday I suggested she applied for the job I am leaving as I thought she would be better at it than me. It's not about my OH earning more so we have more money coming in, it's about seeing someone wasting their potential.

I still see a good relationship as being 50/50 - it's not always 50/50 at every point in time for everything - be it money or jobs around the house or anything else, it will sometimes skew one way or be skewed in the other but ultimately over the long term it should balance itself out. I have shouldered the financial burden whilst my OH was off work so she didn't have to think about it and could concentrate on getting well. Now that she is back well and is coming into a windfall, why should that not benefit us both?

Speaking as someone married for almost 10 years and with parents married for 49 years, you have a screwed up idea of what marriage is and that will see you in a divorce court. Marriage is not about 50/50 money. Marriage is about trust. Neither of you trust each other. Neither of you trust that the other one will protect and defend the other without a price to be paid later on, and that price is financial and the issue added to a scorecard. This is not a marriage.

Yes, you financially supported her during the Big Stuff - the health stuff - but neither of you seem to support each other on the daily dozens of small things that crop up, and it's those that build the strong foundation in a marriage. You don't start with the foundations already laid. You have to lay them through those dozens of actions every day that let your other half know they are supported and protected. Simply put, your wife doesn't feel supported or protected and you don't feel it coming back the other way from her. That's what all this financial business is about. You personally are building a comforting protective cushion with money to defend yourself against the world - including your wife - when in fact the cushion should be made of love, trust, support, respect and protection from human beings (or at least just one human being).

If circumstances stripped you of your house, your income and your savings could you retreat to lick your wounds behind a secure, supportive, loving and protective spouse without fear of comeback or a price to be paid later? Without fear it will be held against you?

You both need to take a deep breath, wipe the slate clean and start again, preferably with counselling to support you as you make the changes.

Everything you own is hers. Everything she owns is yours. Both properties should be put in both names. All income needs to go into one pot that all the bills come out of, where savings can be made from, and where an equal amount is money can be allocated for personal spending money. No one person has more money than the other. You both need to start discussing and deciding on financial matters together, not you coming up with a plan and pushing it through because she's 'bad with money'. She's your wife, not a child or a member of staff, so stop treating her like one. She needs a husband not a father. And she needs to start learning about more about financial planning and taking an active role in managing some of your joint income. A proper active role.

However my honest feeling is neither of you have the guts to open up to, trust in, and fight for, each other over the long term.

9teen80

Thank you all once again for your responses. Yesterday's trading of blows on a public forum is a first for me and extremely embarrassing. A big wake up call I can tell you. I can appreciate it's difficult when a) firstly hearing one side of the story and b) getting a snapshot of a point in time. A particularly difficult point in time. We have been married for just over 2 years and already faced the loss of his mother passing away, both changing jobs, moving house and me being diagnosed with cancer. Quite some honeymoon period! But we're still together and have agreed to go to counselling, starting next week. I posted yesterday morning out of sheer desperation and needing to vent my feelings. Thank you all once again for replying - with the exception of Padstow... you just seem to revel in others unhappiness. Hope you've scurried back into your hole...