Is everything always 50/50?

harrys_nan

I really hope some positive thoughts come out of the counselling, start talking and then keep talking to each other.
You have both been through very stressful times and hopefully you will both come through this, I wish you both all the very best, x

victory

9teen80 wrote: »

Thank you all once again for your responses. Yesterday's trading of blows on a public forum is a first for me and extremely embarrassing. A big wake up call I can tell you. I can appreciate it's difficult when a) firstly hearing one side of the story and b) getting a snapshot of a point in time. A particularly difficult point in time. We have been married for just over 2 years and already faced the loss of his mother passing away, both changing jobs, moving house and me being diagnosed with cancer. Quite some honeymoon period! But we're still together and have agreed to go to counselling, starting next week. I posted yesterday morning out of sheer desperation and needing to vent my feelings. Thank you all once again for replying - with the exception of Padstow... you just seem to revel in others unhappiness. Hope you've scurried back into your hole...

Indeed you have had it tough lately . Not great honeymoon period no, but does it have to be so hard? When the going gets tough the strength of a lion/ lioness should come to the fore, head down, force through, together not a public forum spate, not he said, she said, not a business deal, 50/50 bunkum, if you are in the beginning supposedly you have each other's back, you are both madly in love, you both can't bare to be apart, need to be together and yet for the start of marriage it is a very divided, rocky road without an ounce of compassion for one another , no mention of love, just very negative and doom.

FBaby

I all have different ways to let things out and move forward. I am in the camp of bottling things up trying desperately to adjust my ways to suit others and make leave until it all comes out in one go. It was a shock for my hubby at first but he now knows that's how I do it so tried not to let things get to that point by engaging sooner. Still when I do (rarely now) it has the benefit to clear the air and allow us to move on constructively. All that matter is what works for individual couple. I can see how OP would feel embarrassed about the post but if it is what triggered then agreeing to counselling and moving forward together then it was the right thing to do then.

kboss2010

*If* it was just about the money I would say that I could see your OH's point and, personally, with my OH *I* am adamant that I pay 50% of everything for my own piece of mind. But he doesn't demand that of me nor I of him.

Obviously a lot of your money issues are connected with your illness and if he isn't sympathetic and is demanding that you get a better job to earn more money then, quite frankly, I know what my response would be.

There's a huge difference between contributing 50/50 to everything and being made to feel guilty or being pressurised into doing so. If one partner wants the other to be earning comparable money then they should marry accordingly IMO.

Don't sell your flat and put the money into "his" house because if you need it then it'll be difficult to get back.

Edit: having read the OH's response, I can see the point about the money *but* you're not a problem to be fixed. If you're "wasting your potential" earning an above-average but not higher tax bracket salary then it's not like you're sitting at home all day earning nothing and not working.

My friend once said that she would never marry someone from a different financial background than herself and I think there's a lot to be said for that. Sad but true. I watched my parents' marriage fall apart for the same reason.

jm2926

This is a total windup. We have a new account who only posts in this thread and a husband who has only ever posted in 2007 until now. They both seem able to make a rational case and discuss matters in great detail but can't speak to each other.

mountainofdebt

Do the MSE team read the whole thread before choosing their money dilemma of the week and email it to goodness knows how many people?????

Pollycat

9teen80 wrote: »

Thank you all once again for your responses. Yesterday's trading of blows on a public forum is a first for me and extremely embarrassing.

Two posters discussing their marriage and financial issues on a thread on a public forum is a first for me!

I think the counselling is a good idea.
You both need to talk to someone privately.

katyboo123

Speak with your husband. If you love him I am sure that you fell in love with him for a reason and that he isn't a shallow, money obsessed idiot who wouldn't listen to you. Sounds like you've gone through so much and a relationship breakdown based on all of these worries would be another life-hurdle for you to get through. So, speak with him. Tell him how he makes you feel with his 50/50 attitude.

And don't forget - even if you haven't contributed whatsoever financially, you've still created a home, decorated, cleaned, cooked, etc. you've built a home together not him alone.

Good luck, will be thinking of you.

v_aleri

Seems like he has deeper underlying issue that make him so strict in this 50/50 financial thing. There might be insecurity regarding life/marriage/etc. I would pray for it and talk slowly. It's not worth throwing your marriage, everyone has their own issue, we just need to work on them. My husband has his own "insecurity" issue, which affect his certain behaviour. Not in money, but he has similar"inflexible" principal as well. Which sometime annoys me greatly. But slowly I kinda get a picture to what causing this insecurity thing. There are some past experiences involved, some of them because of other things. It is a complex matter. I can only say, persevere, it is worth it to fight for love. I'm sure he's a loving person, despite this one "50/50" issue. Do persevere in looking for causes. Unfortunately, this kind of matter, it is beyond our knowledge to see his past or wounds or whatever causing it. But definitely there are more to it than a principal.

ptrichardson

I earn what I earn
My wife earns what she earns

The money goes into the bank. Its our money and it pays our bills.

Whatever large item spending we do is agreed between us equally.

50/50 isn't a discussion we even had.


Good Luck.