Is everything always 50/50?

mazza_white

We tried 50/50 in our marriage. Short story: It was a disaster. Arguments every month when the bills were due about who spent what and how to split it. Degree in maths required - all receipts kept for a month and then poured over in fine detail. Nearly caused us to split. We now have 2 accounts - 1 for all direct debits and 1 joint account for spending what we need - never had an argument since.

pippinpuss

After 2 years of marriage it's about time you had a joint account. There will be times when either of you may not be earning & it is unfair for the other to keep tabs on how much you owe the other.
We had a joint account after 6 months because we realised how daft it was to keep paying 2 lots of bank fees.
I hate housework & he hates gardening so we swopped the 'traditional' roles.
I hope whatever you decide to do works.

twigpig

Wow, it sounds like the money has gone to his head and he's holding the power over you while he earns more than you.

I wouldn't worry about buying into the house, as I also think you could fight for half of everything in a divorce scenario. Don't let him force you to hand over the money from your flat as a ransomto get your name on the mortgage. At the time you married, you were fairly equal and lived in your flat that you paid for, so I can't see how you would get anything less than 50%.

My husband and I put all our money together in every sense. We don't each have our own accounts for spending money. We spend what we have on what we need and we don't inspect who spends more than the other etc. It's all just "our money" as we spend it as a family.

I'm sorry you're having to wait to have children, but you need to very clear on what you want before deciding to have them. I would want my name on the house/mortgage as a minimum as your kids would always be your priority and this would be their home. This absolutely can't be an issue further down the line.

How exactly does your husband wish to take holidays etc with all his pots of cash when you're not in a position to match his contributions? This money thing will become a real issue if it's not sorted out. As someone else said, mat leave, childcare costs etc.

Maybe you both need to contribute the %age split of what you earn towards all bills and then keep the rest to yourselves. This might mean that you're 20% spare cash is vastly different from his 20% spare cash, but even in this scenario, you really should be agreeing that everything you own is owned between you 50/50 as I'm sure it would be in a legal sense.

Person_one

What on earth is the process and thinking behind choosing a thread to go in the e-mail?

Mojisola

twigpig wrote: »

How exactly does your husband wish to take holidays etc with all his pots of cash when you're not in a position to match his contributions? This money thing will become a real issue if it's not sorted out.

I knew a couple who handled their finances like this. He had been a SAHD while she progressed in her career. He wasn't able to earn as much as her after getting back to work but was still expected to pay 50% of all the bills. The crunch happened when she went on holiday one year without him because "he couldn't afford the pay his way".

stretebaby

Wow, I'm really shocked by this! I went into marriage with the mindset of what is mine is then his also and vice versa. Although my husband will always earn a higher salary than me I brought a considerable amount of money into the marriage. If I had 200k and him 10k it still wouldn't have made a difference to me. We have a joint account which pays all the bills (previously funded by us both although he now funds it all) and we both have our own current account too. I manage all our finances but we regularly/openly talk about money. Whilst dating we had discussions about money so I knew we were thinking along the same lines... we are both savers.

I cannot believe that he didn't put your name on the house and that you went along with it! My alarm bells would have been ringing! Personally I would need to get to the bottom of it all and suggest relationship counselling focusing on finances. I'm sure that even if you divorced he would be forced to pay you half of the houses worth anyway although he obviously feels more secure himself by doing it this way.

However, everyone is different and what works for us does not work for others. Maybe his upbringing taught him to work things in this manner?

Anyway I do hope you get things sorted so you feel more at ease and more importantly I really hope your health improves and babies come along as soon as you are able.

sfry

9teen80 wrote: »

Thank you all once again for your responses. Yesterday's trading of blows on a public forum is a first for me and extremely embarrassing.

OP I do hope that the unanimous opinions of people on both this forum and the other different forum that you posted your query on a few weeks ago and received pages of advice has assisted you. Everyone has agreed that it is not acceptable the way your husband is treating you.

YANBU

fxt576

stretebaby wrote: »

I cannot believe that he didn't put your name on the house and that you went along with it! My alarm bells would have been ringing! Personally I would need to get to the bottom of it all and suggest relationship counselling focusing on finances. I'm sure that even if you divorced he would be forced to pay you half of the houses worth anyway although he obviously feels more secure himself by doing it this way.

Whilst I don't agree with most of what the OP's husband is doing I think it only fair to point out a few things:

Firstly You mention yourself in your post that you are both savers. I'm sure it would be difficult for you to understand the concept of your partner spending most of the money (not that I'm saying the OP spends most of the money, I'm just making a point) but not interested in saving. This fundamental difference in attitudes can cause rifts particularly in such a close partnership as marriage.

Secondly, not putting your partner's name on the house is not necessarily a cause for alarm. I know from personal experience that when my wife and I tried to buy a house the mortgage advisor told as that I would struggle to get a mortgage with my wife as her salary and first-time buyer status was problematic. We tried various permutations including her buying the house in her name (I already have a flat from before we were married) but the banks weren't having any of it.

Having said all that. I do believe that marriage should be a partnership. We are not both completely equal and contribute in different ways but we are both just as important and valuable. Money is part of it but as we don't contribute 50/50 with everything i.e childcare/cleaning/gardening/DIY etc. I can't understand insisting that finances are dealt with in the same way.

...just my (rather long) tuppence worth.

kazkaz261

We started doing 50/ 50 when we first bought a house, however as one us earns at least 1/3 more, it mean that one was alway skint and one had lots of disposable income.

We now pool all of our money into one bank account and take the same 'pocket money' out each week for personal spends such as clothes and going out with friends. This means that all bills inc car, petrol, diy , mortgage and bill are paid.

gcvoice

Hi I have never put anything on here, in fact I had to join just to write this as I feel quite passionate about your situation.
Everyone seems to be rubbing in your face in their wonderful relationships and how everything is 50/50 and that you should leave this awful man.
Like yourself I grew up in a loving home with parents still together whilst husbands family most had divorced and unfortunately we are also divorced now.....why....... because we didnt talk. I had my moans about him on a similar site like this but never actually gave him the chance of a voice and when I did he just said that I was moaning.
Divorce is the last thing you want, I get that message anyway, you both need to go out of the house maybe for a meal and let him know that you are seriously unhappy, and maybe even mention the divorce word so that he knows how serious this is and you both need to come up with suggestions on how things can change. He is a man after all lol and he probably doesnt even know how unhappy he is making you.
The other thing I tried was writing him a letter, that way he cant keep butting in and you get to say what you want.
I have learnt the hard way that two way communication is the most important thing in a relationship. If he doesnt get it then maybe even show him your post on here so that he can see lots of peoples point of view - he may not like what he sees but it may save your marriage and if it doesnt then you will at least know that you tried
Wish you all the best for the future, financially and health wise xx