Is everything always 50/50?

browneyedbazzi

9teen80 wrote: »

Why would I not want to be in an equal relationship? An equal relationship is always 50/50 - always! Unless there are children involved.

People often misinterpret the term 'equal' - in maths 'equal' may mean 'the same as' but in life equality does not mean 'the same'.

An 'equal' relationship has nothing to do with everything being 50/50. Some things simply can't be 50/50 and it would be unfair to try to make it that way.

I too would be keeping the flat as I might need it one day.

Gloomendoom

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

BY LAW it matters not whose name everything is in, should the worst happen. If he inherits a zillion pounds, the day after you marry, and you decide to divorce him 3 days later, 1/2 a zillion is yours.

Highly unlikely.

2) Duration of the Marriage - Short Marriages

If a divorce petition is filed in a short, childless marriage (normally less than 5 years duration) it is unlikely that a 50/50 division of assets will be ordered particularly if one spouse brought substantially more assets to the marriage. Normally assets acquired prior to the marriage will be retained, or returned to the spouse who originally had them, and assets accumulated during the marriage will be divided on a 50/50 basis when the parties divorce.

Source

Addiscomber

I cannot decide if you are in a marriage or a business partnership Either way your husband sounds extremely controlling over financial matters. I think he actually sounds very insecure. What is his background? Did his parents struggle for money and he felt deprived? Did they divorce and his father moan about having to share assets with his mother? You say that you earn £37,500, which is a more than decent amount. What would have happened if he loved someone who could only earn minimum wage? Or national average wage?

So the mortgage was taken out in his name on the basis of his salary, but is it just his name registered at the Land Registry as owner, or both of you? Either way as others have said it is an asset of the marriage, although with no children involved, I believe that if you split up the courts would aim to return you both to the state that you entered the marriage in.

I'm another one who wouldn't be selling the flat yet. I hate to say it but I would also be very wary of having children with him as I would worry about whether he could change his attitude when you were on maternity leave, let alone if you wanted to be a SAHM for a few years.

I must be old fashioned, but I don't understand a lot of what I read in this forum about married couples' financial arrangements. I never earned as much as my DH, but whatever we have from whatever source goes into a joint pot and we have an identical amount of 'pocket money' which can be spent or saved as desired with no questions asked. We consider that I contributed in other ways by caring for the children, cooking from scratch and by doing the decorating despite being disabled.

By the way, I don't think you are that bad with money. Who entered the marriage with a flat, after all? It wasn't him was it it?

Padstow

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

BY LAW it matters not whose name everything is in, should the worst happen. If he inherits a zillion pounds, the day after you marry, and you decide to divorce him 3 days later, 1/2 a zillion is yours.

There was no reason why the mortgage shouldn't be in joint names. My wife was a stay at home mum, and I was earning, and guess what, the house is in both our names.

Having an equal relationship is NOT about money, it's about both believing that you are a partnership, that everything that happens to one of you, happens to the other, emotionally, financially, health, etc.
an example of this is that when I was bullied at work, my wife was quite prepared to go and kill (seriously she has a temper, if her loved ones are upset) my boss, and quite prepared to go to prision.
When she was ill, and couldn't work, I didn't tell her she couldn't go on holiday with me, as she couldn't afford to pay for it.

Given the Law, (Check with a solicitor in a free half hour session if you want confirmation), you should either Laugh at him, and call him an idiot, or you should insist that all accounts and all loans, and all mortgages are joint, as you feel unless he is able to share his toys (and that is clearly money) nicely, then he's clearly not ready to commit to a long term life long relationship.
Option c is to get him counselling.

Personally, I get really !!!!ed off with my wife asking permission to buy luxuries, as I work and she doesn't. I keep saying "It's not my money, it's ours, you know how much we can afford, and it's your money too"

Should you move out ? The whole thing is stupid. If he understood that tough, EVERYTHING we own today is a 50/50 split in a divorce settlement, would he accept that, would it change him?

He's seriously damaged. He's confused day to day money management with long term commitment.

It's fine, for a Stay at Home Parent, to have an 'allowance' where jointly you both have gone through a budget and worked out that you can afford £X a week on food, and Clothes, and trips, and agree that one person will manage that.

Funnily enough, I worked with a woman who worked part time with quite a low salary, and she had the most expensive car in the car park, and went on the most luxurious holidays. Her husband earned a load more, but drove a banger, and I asked her about this.

The answer was good. They agreed that they could afford one decent car , and one rubbish car, but that as he didn't mind breaking down, (not that he did), but he minded her breaking down, it was agreed that she got the car of his dreams, and he got to drive it at weekends. She also said that the depreciation and fuel coming to work did not cover her salary. Now that is an equal (if a bit mad) split.

No a spouse would not be entitled to half an inheritance after four days of marriage.

No a spouse would not be entitled to half if their total time together had been two years. They would each walk away with what they put in.

ERICS_MUM

My alarm bells are ringing. He says thing such as "he warned you", he thinks not being 50/50 once you have children is "acceptable" - these are very controlling words, black and white opinions.

If you were to put 50/50 into the house and added your name to the mortgage, will he also add your name to the deeds ?

Is there a "cultural" aspect to this ? I ask because friends of my late Dad were from eastern Europe (as was he) and the men saw themselves as head of their families financially - nothing was in the wive's names and they had little input into major financial decisions. This was the "old way" back in the old country and didn't change when the arrived in the UK. (Dad wasn't like that, Mum put her foot down from day 1 !)

Can you change him ? No. Will he get worse ? Possibly. I'd be worried that when children come along he would feel the need to be more controlling.

Personally I would keep your flat and try to have your own pot of savings as an "escape fund". I'm so sorry, it must be heart-breaking to be in this position.

EM xx

Mojisola

Addiscomber wrote: »

I hate to say it but I would also be very wary of having children with him as I would worry about whether he could change his attitude when you were on maternity leave, let alone if you wanted to be a SAHM for a few years.

It would worry me that you would be expected to do all the work connected with the house and children as your contribution if you aren't earning actual money.

Georgiegirl256

9teen80 wrote: »

Thanks Huskypup. That's another dimension to all of this. Due to the medication I'm on for breast cancer we can't try for children for 5 years. I know how upsetting this is as we both want to start a family.
When I mention my friends and how it's not 50/50 he's very quick to point out that they have children and so that's acceptable. It just adds to how bad I feel about it all :-(

This is a form of mental cruelty. He doesn't sound a very caring person, he appears to be blaming you for everything.

I believe in marriage you should work as a team (and before anyone jumps on my comments from the pre-nup thread, my views on that still stand, but this is different), see each other through the good times and the bad.

At the moment, I'm not working, my husband brings home a good enough wage, and he's view on it is 'get a job if you want one, don't if you dont' and for that I am very grateful, not because I don't want to work (I worked for 16 years before getting made redundant) but because my time is better off spent in other ways (personal reasons). We make it work, by him bringing home the money, and me doing the household chores, shopping etc. What I'm saying is, you make things work....however, he doesn't appear to view you as an equal at all.

The comment about you wanting to it your £30,000 into an extension, but him not wanting you too, but would rather take a loan out instead, I really don't get that? Be very very wary, he really doesn't want you to have any part in this house at all, never has by the sounds of it.

I would stick to your plan of moving out to your flat, better being miserable alone, than miserable in a relationship where you are made to feel like a second class citizen.

claire16c

Wow your husband sounds like a right d^^k.

Not sure why he got married as he clearly is more interested in having some kind of business partnership not a relationship.

I could not live with someone like this.

Wanting you to take out a loan instead of putting money into the house you share sounds like hes not planning on things long term.

9teen80

Thanks again for all your replies. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds - his parents divorced when he was a child, along with aunts/uncles etc. His sister is currently going through a divorce too.
I on the other hand come from a background where divorce isn't the norm - my parents have been married 45 years. Yes they've had their ups and downs but they're still together and we're a very close family. Something that my husband said attracted him to me in the first place.

I think it very much is a protective thing, however I do believe his background and upbringing have caused a lot of these insecurities and need to protect himself.

It's a very sorry situation. I just feel I can't go on with it, it's almost emotional bullying. As for are we as intelligent, funny as one another, he regularly tells me how intelligent he is and how he is far more intelligent than me. As for kindness, in my opinion there is no contest. I am surrounded my relationships I have nurtured my whole life, friends and family. He is not close to any of his family and friends seem very transient.

Thanks once again.

hazyjo

I'm paying pretty much 100% at the mo although my BF is doing everything indoors, including cooking, cleaning, ironing, breakfasts/lunch for me, cats, hoovering, decorating, everything. Okay, so he doesn't own half the house or have any claim on it (at this time), but I still see it as a partnership. I don't begrudge buying the shopping or buying us the odd treat.

It's only after 2 years that it's all split 50/50 in a divorce (sorry to mention the d word!). Seeing as you're only just over that, if you do decide you can't stay with him, then leave it as long as possible or the courts are possibly not as likely to rule in your favour and will basically return you both to the financial position you were each in when you met. As someone mentioned above, you'll probably be entitled to half of it anyway so I don't know who he thinks he's 'protecting' by being this way.

I remember the first bloke I lived with. He was so careful (tight!). We'd walk into McDonalds and buy our own meals! My current BF and I have been like that, but only cos he's not had money. My ex had more than enough to be occasionally generous, but he was unbelievable. When we split up, he wanted everything split 50/50. Fair enough, I put everything into the pot and we each chose what we wanted (picking items roughly worth the same each). When it came to some manky old chests of drawers we'd taken off his sister (who would have thrown them), he started saying they were his cos his sis gave them to us. I said, okay what about the microwave, table and chairs, DVD player, deposit for flat, etc that my parents had given us! He just couldn't get his head round it until that point but was soon to back down when he realised he'd actually come out far worse!

Good luck.

Jx