Is everything always 50/50?

9teen80

Thanks very much for the replies. My husband is an avid reader of the money saving forums, although I doubt he ventures into the relationship section.

He is extremely set in his views of right and wrong and, as far as he is concerned, he is most definitely right on this. Why would I not want to be in an equal relationship? An equal relationship is always 50/50 - always! Unless there are children involved.

He is not struggling for money no, he is extremely comfortably off. The mortgage and bills don't even equate to a third of his salary. Plus he has lots of savings - something which he regularly bemoans me about for not having saved money. He only mentions me earning more when I point out that things can't be 50/50 as I earn a third of his salary - at which point he says I'm perfectly capable of earning more and should be more ambitious.

Thanks again for all your responses. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach with all of this. Never thought my marriage would fail just 2 years in :-(

9teen80

No just money should be 50/50. It's strange because he seems to accept that splitting the bills 33/67 is fair, however if I want to buy into the house it must be 50/50.

harrys_nan

I'm another one who thinks you should keep your flat, I could not live with that attitude myself.
He sounds insecure about his property, you do need to have a talk with him as you cannot live with this hanging over you, I am not an expert but I think the house is considered to be part of the marriage assets and you would get a share if you do separate, the same with your flat.
Look after yourself, you have enough to put up with without this going on. x

Tropez

9teen80 wrote: »

according to my husband, in order to have an equal relationship we have to have paid for things 50/50

That's bullcrap. A relationship is about more than just money.

We don't do the 50/50 split on everything because for us it makes sense not to but we're both still equal partners, we make decisions together and even though this is my house in the fact that I bought it before we were together, she lives here and that makes it her house too so when she mooted building an extension to give her a home workspace I said that was fine.

Nonsense like an equal relationship is dependent on having contributed as much money is putting a fiscal value on both the relationship and your worth as a human being. Personally, I'd be disgusted and offended by such a comment.

Person_one

Are you equally funny? Equally kind? Equally hard working? Of exactly equal intelligence? Are you two clones who bring exactly the same qualities and strengths and weaknesses to the relationship?

Of course not, so why would money be the only thing where its absolutely crucial that you be 50/50?

Was he not listening to his wedding vows? Did you not have the bit about 'all that I have I share with you'?

samtoby

My parter does not own our home but this is his home and he pays towards its upkeep and bills - I would never say its not his home because its not 50/50.

Marriage and indeed life just doesn't work like that.

Padstow

9teen80 wrote: »

No just money should be 50/50. It's strange because he seems to accept that splitting the bills 33/67 is fair, however if I want to buy into the house it must be 50/50.

Sounds like he protecting himself in case you part before having children. You'd get half the proceeds so you must have contributed half.

I can't make up my mind whether he's tight or just careful. He paid all bills for a year in total and paid for private treatment. On the other hand he can prove what he's spent on the house. I doubt whether you though, have kept food and petrol receipts.
That's either crafty on his part or totally accidental.

He does sound as one of those men who count blood being thicker than water in his remark that come children, the 50/50 rule won't apply.


If he's a good man in all other respects, surely this quirk of his wouldn't end the marriage?

JoW123

Maybe you should point out to him that things aren't equal because he hasn't just had to cope with breast cancer and all the traumatic treatment that entails!! I'm sorry but this man is cruel, and I would definitely keep your flat at the moment, plus I would have alarm bells ringing.

Tanswell88

For me and my husband we share what we have. We have never had a 'mine' or 'yours' its ALWAYS been 'ours'
You've both been through a lot...Maybe counseling could be of some help? Is his obsession with the 50/50 thing a new thing? Maybe its his way of trying to hold onto some control where he can as he can't control your illness and its outcome?

Prothet_of_Doom

BY LAW it matters not whose name everything is in, should the worst happen. If he inherits a zillion pounds, the day after you marry, and you decide to divorce him 3 days later, 1/2 a zillion is yours.

There was no reason why the mortgage shouldn't be in joint names. My wife was a stay at home mum, and I was earning, and guess what, the house is in both our names.

Having an equal relationship is NOT about money, it's about both believing that you are a partnership, that everything that happens to one of you, happens to the other, emotionally, financially, health, etc.
an example of this is that when I was bullied at work, my wife was quite prepared to go and kill (seriously she has a temper, if her loved ones are upset) my boss, and quite prepared to go to prision.
When she was ill, and couldn't work, I didn't tell her she couldn't go on holiday with me, as she couldn't afford to pay for it.

Given the Law, (Check with a solicitor in a free half hour session if you want confirmation), you should either Laugh at him, and call him an idiot, or you should insist that all accounts and all loans, and all mortgages are joint, as you feel unless he is able to share his toys (and that is clearly money) nicely, then he's clearly not ready to commit to a long term life long relationship.
Option c is to get him counselling.

Personally, I get really !!!!ed off with my wife asking permission to buy luxuries, as I work and she doesn't. I keep saying "It's not my money, it's ours, you know how much we can afford, and it's your money too"

Should you move out ? The whole thing is stupid. If he understood that tough, EVERYTHING we own today is a 50/50 split in a divorce settlement, would he accept that, would it change him?

He's seriously damaged. He's confused day to day money management with long term commitment.

It's fine, for a Stay at Home Parent, to have an 'allowance' where jointly you both have gone through a budget and worked out that you can afford £X a week on food, and Clothes, and trips, and agree that one person will manage that.

Funnily enough, I worked with a woman who worked part time with quite a low salary, and she had the most expensive car in the car park, and went on the most luxurious holidays. Her husband earned a load more, but drove a banger, and I asked her about this.

The answer was good. They agreed that they could afford one decent car , and one rubbish car, but that as he didn't mind breaking down, (not that he did), but he minded her breaking down, it was agreed that she got the car of his dreams, and he got to drive it at weekends. She also said that the depreciation and fuel coming to work did not cover her salary. Now that is an equal (if a bit mad) split.