Is everything always 50/50?

9teen80

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum and am just trying to find my way round. I'm looking for some advise really, here goes...

I've been married to my husband for just over 2 years. It's fair to say that he is the financially sensible one in our relationship - I'm a bit fly by the seat of my pants and "it'll all work out alright".

When we got married we were living in my flat, which I saved for (slowly) along with a helping hand from my parents. At the time of living there my husband and I earned reasonably comparable salaries and therefore divided everything 50/50.

Having lived in the flat for approaching 2 years, we decided it was time to move on and look for a house. Sadly my husband had recently inherited some money due to his mother passing away. He also had money put away in savings. At the time, the market conditions were not right to sell my flat, therefore my husband convinced me the best thing to do was to rent it out. This meant I could not release any equity and therefore did not have anything to put into the new house.

To cut a long story short, my husband bought the new house on his own effectively, paying the deposit and stamp duty himself. Due to me being self employed at the time (I no longer am) he decided the mortgage was best off in just his name. He has changed jobs a number of times in the past couple of years and has been very lucky to nearly treble his salary.

He sees me as standing still now and that I should be looking at increasing my earning potential (I earn £37,500 a year). When we moved into the new house we split the bills based on a percentage of our earnings, roughly a 33/67 split. It was always quite clear though that this was his house.

To add to the situation, I was diagnosed with breast cancer just 7 months after moving into the new house. I was off work for 9 months. My husband took over paying 100% of the bills at this time, as well as highlighting that his savings were able to pay for me to have a lot of the diagnostic tests privately.

I returned to work part time last summer and have slowly been building up to full time, which I started again this week. During this time my husband has continued to pay the bills and mortgage. I feel that I contribute however - I buy all of the food, pay for the car etc.

I have made the decision that the market is now right to sell my flat. I'm looking at releasing around £30,000 in equity. I suggested to my husband that this £30k was put into the house, building a new extension that we have been discussing for a while. He feels however that this is not the best use of the money and that it should be paid into the mortgage instead (borrowing the money for the extension).

Here is the crux of the issue - according to my husband, in order to have an equal relationship we have to have paid for things 50/50. Therefore he has said if I want to "buy into" the house, I have to put in exactly the same amount he did (£28500 deposit, plus stamp duty) - around £39,000 in total. I don't have that money, even with selling my flat.

I don't know anyone else who is so fixated on this 50/50 thing. All of my peers have brought different amounts into relationships with partners, but all seem to quite happily see that once married everything is in one pot anyway. I think that is the main problem here, my husband still sees everything as his and mine.

The last 12 months has taught me that life is too short and precious to spend arguing about money. Especially as we should be comfortably off and living life to the full. At the moment my thought is for me to move back into my flat and give each other some time and space.

Sorry, I've really waffled on - there didn't seem a way to summarise that though. Does anyone have any advice?

Many thanks for reading.

K

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Tenyearstogo

I'd be out of there. Why did you allow the house to be in just his name?


I'm in a job I hate, I've handed in my notice with no other job. My husband is going to be paying for everything. It's still a 50/50 split of ownership.

huskypup

I too never understand this 50/50 split - call me old fashioned but to me marriage is about sharing - I doubt I will ever earn as much as my husband - all money goes into one account then distributed to savings mortgage accounts etc, then we both take out what we need.

I too would be having a serious conversation with him - what happens if you decide to have children - is he expecting you to pay 50% of childcare and still 50% of the bills. MMMhhhh. Of if you decide to be a SAHM are you going to have to ask!!!! him for money.

9teen80

Thanks for your reply. That's how all this started - before we moved out the flat, I quit a job I hated. It nearly broke our marriage. He said he'd warned me 18 months before that I needed to look for a new job if I wasn't happy. He now says he doesn't trust me at all financially and that I should've taken his advice in the first place and found a new job when advised me to. I know that makes sense, but sometimes you have to pick your own sanity.

Thanks again for your reply.

9teen80

Thanks Huskypup. That's another dimension to all of this. Due to the medication I'm on for breast cancer we can't try for children for 5 years. I know how upsetting this is as we both want to start a family.
When I mention my friends and how it's not 50/50 he's very quick to point out that they have children and so that's acceptable. It just adds to how bad I feel about it all :-(

Alikay

We've been married 26 years and when it comes down to money there is no "mine" or "yours": Everything is "ours". For us, it was the right thing to do. We had children and all shared a home, and our main concern both practically and financially was to run our family and home to meet the needs and the wellbeing of everyone in it.

I know some people have other ways of doing it and I guess it works for them, but life is not always 50/50....how can things be 50/50 if one of you became disabled for example, or gave up work/went part-time to raise children?

Edited to add:
We cross-posted, but from what you say, I wonder if your OH has some underlying resentment about the impact your cancer has had on his life -delaying children etc. If so, its harsh and unhelpful. I think you need to have a good talk to him about life and his expectation that it should
always turn out "fair".

browneyedbazzi

I really don't understand your husband's attitude - relationships, and especially marriages are partnerships and certainly shouldn't be about accounting for who paid what. I'd be very upset if my partner suggested I change my job to try to increase earnings at a time when we could afford to pay all the bills etc - if the suggestion to change was on the basis that I wasn't happy or wanted something different from my working life it would be fair enough, but to change because he's a money grubbing git would simply not be acceptable. The suggestion would make me question whether he really is managing financially - did he stretch himself too much with buying the house? Is he spending more than he's earning? If not then I don't understand why you should be under pressure to earn more. If he doesn't have a good reason for his attitude then I'd be questioning whether we're really compatible given such different views on finances and how relationships work.

Also, from what I understand whether it's just his name on the deeds/mortgage for the house or not, if it's an asset of the marriage then you'll have a claim to it.

Tenyearstogo

The fact that he mentions that he paid for your investigations rings alarm bells.

My husband would've gone without food for something like that. He wouldn't have complain and never mentioned it.

Personally I'd keep your flat for some security. Or sell it and only pay it into the mortgage if I were on that mortgage. Actually I'd be moving myself back into it. After all, I want to live in my home not someone else's.

bryanb

The last paragraph of tenyearstogo says all I was going to say except that what you describe is not a marriage.
Sorry if that seems harsh but it's how I see your situation.
I would definitely KEEP the flat, I think you're going to need it.

Mojisola

9teen80 wrote: »

Here is the crux of the issue - according to my husband, in order to have an equal relationship we have to have paid for things 50/50.

Is this only regarding money or do each of you have to do equal amounts of housework, gardening, DIY, etc?

I would keep your flat - I'm another one who thinks you're going to need it.

tatabubbly

You poor thing! You've had a rough time of it and tbh, your husband doesn't sound very understanding.

I moved abroad with my OH, and he is the main breadearner here, however he sees everything as 'ours' which is lovely. I do contribute what I can from tutoring but it's definitely nowhere near 50/50!

Why is he so hung up on the 50/50 part? Have you asked him about it?