husband problems!!!

sadandlonely

purpleshoes wrote: »

You think he will change?

sad to say i dont think he has changed. i had trust issues with him then, if i went back i would always be insecure.

sadandlonely

RAS wrote: »

Hi the only people you can change are yourself and your children, because they are young enough for positive behaviour on your part to affect them.

I read your other thread in which you say the CMS have only allowed for one child? Has he also told them that he is not the father of your youngest? If so demand a DNA test pronto.

With respect to divorce, you need not bother with a solicitor. It only costs the court fees and you may get remission of those if you are on benefits. Download from the courts web-site, complete and both sign. Nothing to pay until you put them into court.

You may need legal help with the financial settlement if either of you own property, have debts or have pensions? Also with the arrangments for contact.

It is pretty much a requirement that you offer to go to mediation on both these. if you can agree the solicitor will draw up the agreement and get it stamped by the court.

What you do need

he is on my sons birth certificate and is his natural father so i dont think he can hide from the csa regarding paternity unless he had the gall to do a dna test which would prove his theory to be incorrect.

the only problem i foresee with contact is theres a family member who now lives with the ex who i dont want around my children as hes a bad influence. this family member and his extending family have caused alot of trouble for me spreading lies. but the truth did come out that they were lying.

there is no property involved, his debts are his and no pensions.

sadandlonely

TBagpuss wrote: »

I am sorry to hear this, but I think he has demonstrated very clearly that he is simply not currently commited to working on a relationship with you. He will take what he can get, but he isn't willing to adjust his own behaviour. The allegations he is making about you are probably based on guilt - if he can convince himself that you slept with other people, he doesn't have to feel guilty abut him sleeping with other people.

Don't get drawn uin to arguing about it. You know it isn't true.

You are not 'throwing away' anything. You have had those 10 years, and of course there were some good things in that time (not least that it has given you the children).

What you are moving away from is not "10 Years of marriage" but a current relationship which is now dysfunctional. In terms of how you think about it, you might find it easier to look at it as formally ending something which has come to a natural end - that doesn't mean you are throwing away anything which went before, just that you are choosing not to start a new relationship with the same person.

How is your YS an outcast?

I would suggest thinking about what ld to you greeing to sleep with him again and decide for yourself how to avoid that (for instance, not meeting at / inviting him into your home) or altrnatively, consider the cisumstances in which you would be willing to consider a reconciliation so that if you are tempted, you can stop and ask yourself if any of those criteria are met.

i have blocked his calls, messages and facebook so he cannot contact me. he makes no effort to see the kids, i had to take them up there for him to see them. i am so hurt and angry right now, hes lucky he got away with just a slap.

i feel youngest ds is an outcast as he has always accused me of having an affair and him not being his father. it went on throughout the pregnancy and ds is now 1 years old. he never helped me with him or bonded with him but that was my fault as i breastfed the baby.

RAS

There is nothing to prevent him telling the CMS that the child is not his even in those circumstances; if you read some of the threads you will find that exs do this just to wind the PWC up.

Having told a load of stories he may now find himself pushed to follow through the fiction. the good thing is that the DNA test would cost HIM money not you.

And by the time he has those sort of CMS debts it is likely they would go for a DEO and charge him the extra 20%.

Mojisola

sadandlonely wrote: »

he never helped me with him or bonded with him but that was my fault as i breastfed the baby.

I hope that's what he says and not what you believe!

sadandlonely

Mojisola wrote: »

I hope that's what he says and not what you believe!

its what he said. he had other opportunities to help such as baths, nappy changes but he was never interested

sadandlonely

why is it so hard? cant sleep, havent eaten much since i found out. i want to make him hurt as much as i am hurting right now. to make him see how im feeling.

lilmissreading

sadandlonely wrote: »

why is it so hard? cant sleep, havent eaten much since i found out. i want to make him hurt as much as i am hurting right now. to make him see how im feeling.

Oh good lord, how stressful and sad.

Why is it so hard?

Life with an addict is painful and splitting off from that is no less difficult or painful. Chances are he will be twisting things to look like your fault as commonly addicts are HOPELESS at taking responsibility - for their actions, feelings and so on.

There is no way to hurt him as much as you do. They say the best revenge is a life lived well. You need to carry on as you are in terms of cutting ties with him, one at a time. You know there's no quick or easy way to gt out of this.

Why is DS an outcast? An outcast in whose eyes? Does their opinion matter? If it is his family and friends, stuff 'em. People who really know you will know differently. And if this is something he says, remember he lies.

Mojisola

sadandlonely wrote: »

why is it so hard? cant sleep, havent eaten much since i found out. i want to make him hurt as much as i am hurting right now. to make him see how im feeling.

To be blunt - that's a self-destructive thing to want.

The only person that will be hurt while you're trying to hurt him will be you and the whole time you're thinking about how to make his life difficult, he's sitting there in your head, dominating your life.

Get rid of him - don't let him control how you live your life. Look back in a few years time and see how far you've come while he's still living the same kind of life.

Feel good about yourself - don't try to make him feel bad.

sadandlonely

since my last post, more stuff has come to light. i am beginning to move on from him now.

but there was another woman involved too. he was also stringing her along with the lies. i only found out this due to some random person messaging me on facebook telling me all the details.

so for me throwing him out because of his gambling, he has made it perfectly clear it was all my fault that he went with those two women as i didnt want him. all i didnt want was the gambling :-(