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husband problems!!!

sadandlonely
Posts: 97 Forumite
Hi guys
Newbie to the thread and looking for some impartial advice really.
I split from my husband last november, we have two children, 9years old ds and 7 month old ds. I took on a new House and he moved in with his parents. I am still on maternity leave at the moment but have decided to extend it til september as baby is ebf and very clingy for me.
Now we split up due to his money issues - whole pay packets gone in a few days therefore i had to cover every bill. He has a gambling problem which i have known about for years but he has promised time and time again to quit but never did. He constantly borrowed throughout the months to be in the same situation on the next pay day. He steals from the kids jars and i cant carry any cash around with me. He took out loans and was nearly taken to court over them. The lies are continuous but i catch him out all the time.
Early january, he spoke to me saying he wanted to get back together. Told him i couldnt trust him to quit gambling and he had to sort himself out. His reply was i am avoiding the bookies. I said that wont help by just avoiding the bookies and maybe gamblers anon would be helpful but he wont go there. I dont trust him to quit gambling altogether and told him i couldnt rely on him to support me on my extended maternity leave whilst his behaviour hasnt changed. Plus the kids dont need the hassle of me throwing him out again if it all goes pear shaped.
So this led to him saying well file for divorce then. Now i didnt want that to happen, all i wanted was for him to change. Now ive found out hes been messaging people on facebook, saying hes interested. Even said to one about marrying her. Shes got 3 kids, he cant even be bothered with ours and prefers to spend his time including paternity leave playing candy crush.
Im gutted to say the least. Its only been a week since the threat of divorce and now hes doing this. I really dont know what to do!
Newbie to the thread and looking for some impartial advice really.
I split from my husband last november, we have two children, 9years old ds and 7 month old ds. I took on a new House and he moved in with his parents. I am still on maternity leave at the moment but have decided to extend it til september as baby is ebf and very clingy for me.
Now we split up due to his money issues - whole pay packets gone in a few days therefore i had to cover every bill. He has a gambling problem which i have known about for years but he has promised time and time again to quit but never did. He constantly borrowed throughout the months to be in the same situation on the next pay day. He steals from the kids jars and i cant carry any cash around with me. He took out loans and was nearly taken to court over them. The lies are continuous but i catch him out all the time.
Early january, he spoke to me saying he wanted to get back together. Told him i couldnt trust him to quit gambling and he had to sort himself out. His reply was i am avoiding the bookies. I said that wont help by just avoiding the bookies and maybe gamblers anon would be helpful but he wont go there. I dont trust him to quit gambling altogether and told him i couldnt rely on him to support me on my extended maternity leave whilst his behaviour hasnt changed. Plus the kids dont need the hassle of me throwing him out again if it all goes pear shaped.
So this led to him saying well file for divorce then. Now i didnt want that to happen, all i wanted was for him to change. Now ive found out hes been messaging people on facebook, saying hes interested. Even said to one about marrying her. Shes got 3 kids, he cant even be bothered with ours and prefers to spend his time including paternity leave playing candy crush.
Im gutted to say the least. Its only been a week since the threat of divorce and now hes doing this. I really dont know what to do!
0
Comments
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sadandlonely wrote: »I really dont know what to do!
Divorce him - as quick and clean as you can.
Don't expect him to be a good Dad - addicts put themselves first above and beyond everyone else.0 -
File for divorce. He probably doesn't think you'll actually go ahead and do it, if anything, it might shock him into action....although I doubt it, by the sounds of it he sounds extremely immature, how old is he?
The only way I think you'd have any semblance of a future, is if he went to GA. He's either in total denial about how bad his gambling really is, or he really just is that immature that he couldn't care less....probably a combination of the two.
As for messaging people on Facebook, well that to be indicates, in his mind he's already moved on, and tbh, even though you've got two kids together, I really don't think I personally would want him back after that. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again.
Like I say, the only possible way to start sort things out, is for him to actually admit he has got a gambling problem, if he can't do that, then I really don't think there is any future for your relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is just my opinion.0 -
He obviously doesn't think enough about you or his children to change - get rid, and pretty quick.0
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Thank you for your input. None of them seem harsh. I just wanted him to change but i need to admit to myself that he cant! :-(0
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The pair of you have a disagreement about his gambling and split up. He spends a few weeks on his own, over Christmas when traditionally families are rosy cheeked and happy and it's goodwill to all men, and he feels like his old life has gone AWOL. So he slinks back in January, wants it all to be fine again, but won't make any effort or changes about his gambling and is surprised when you don't fall for his charms.
So he is at a loss. He knows what he wants (someone to buzz around him and make him feel happy again) but he can't get it from you at the moment. So he moves on elsewhere (Facebook messaging). All he's looking for is something to replace what he had before and this proves that, in addition (or maybe because of) to his gambling problem, he's basically quite selfish and is tending to his own needs and not thinking about yours.
It is very hard now, but you are probably well rid. Any addictive problem is a hard one to manage within a relationship, and if that relationship is otherwise ok, then it can be done but he isn't willing to a) admit he has a gambling problem, or b) willing to try and put it right or c) treat the mother of his children with some respect and care.
I'm sorry for you, and I hope you are ok. It must be very hard for you now.0 -
He obviously refuses to change and is quite happy how he is.
Get rid ASAP. You and your children deserve better.0 -
he's obviously trying to move his problem into another relationship. Idiot!
Let him go!This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
I wouldn't even have bothered thinking "Oh! If only he would change!" I wouldn't have forgiven him for squandering his pay without contributing to the family's expenses. And accruing debts on top of it all.
I just hope to God that these debts are in his name only, and yours isn't attached to them in any way.
He's a fool. He's selfish. HE'S STOLEN MONEY FROM HIS OWN CHILDREN. He doesn't deserve a second thought from you. Shed him and quickly.0 -
I totally agree with the others – this guy is a leech and a loser who thinks its ok to steal off his kids and spend every penny on himself!
I would also get onto CSA so you can get some money from his paypacket before he gets it to spend.0 -
I would divorce him to ensure that there is no more debt that you can be connected with.
Addicts, be they gamblers, drinkers or drug takers, cannot be helped until they want to help.
If he's looking to move on it'll be because in his mind he can have it all. He can have the family AND the gambling. Until he doesn't want to gamble anymore he'll not stop for anyone.
If he won't even go to a GA meeting what does that tell you about his loyalty to you and your children? You need to protect the three of you.0
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