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husband problems!!!
Comments
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I wouldn't be squandering my time or energy in "laying it on the line" with him. He's had plenty of time to think about his actions and has ruined his marriage all by himself. Now, he can get on and ruin his own life all by himself as well.
What sort of scumbag would steal his children's money? The OP's kind of scumbag husband, that is. Hopefully to be an ex-husband tout bloody suite.0 -
sadandlonely wrote: »I dont know if he wants to change. After years of asking though, he hasnt so its in my mind he doeant want to. But i dont know! XxHave you asked him?
I think you really need to sit him down, lay it on the line, tell him if he wants things to get better, he needs to do as you say and get some proper help, from a professional
I dont think you want to give up on him really, but feel you have no choice. I imagine he hates what hes doing too, but doesnt know what to do either
Its up to you though, unfortunately unless you ask for help, nothings going to come to you
Don't you mean that it's up to him?
After 10 years or more - judging by the age of the elder child - if he wanted to change, he could have done.
Too many relatives and friends of addicts get emotionally blackmailed into supporting and consequently enabling the addicts to continue with their addiction.
If an addict doesn't change their life, it's not the fault of the people around them - it's the addict's choice.0 -
Don't you mean that it's up to him?
I meant its up to her whether she wants to try and help him, or give up
it doesnt sound, from what the OP has written, that the problem has been properly addressed.
The man needs help, dont you think if he knew what to do himself, he would have done it by now?0 -
it doesnt sound, from what the OP has written, that the problem has been properly addressed.
The man needs help, dont you think if he knew what to do himself, he would have done it by now?
It can only be addressed if he wants to change.
If he won't even go to gamblers anon, it's unlikely that he will face up to his problems in any way.
I would be far more concerned with the welfare of the children than of this adult who has made his own choices.0 -
It can only be addressed if he wants to change.
If he won't even go to gamblers anon, it's unlikely that he will face up to his problems in any way.
I would be far more concerned with the welfare of the children than of this adult who has made his own choices.
Would you like to stand in a room of people that are quite often judged by society, and referred to by all sorts of names, and talk about something you are quite possible embarrassed and ashamed of?
or would you rather talk on a one to one basis to someone that understands what you are going through, and can offer direct support?
I can imagine there are many people that would struggle in any 'anonymous' scenario, some people dont like being put on the spot0 -
Would you like to stand in a room of people that are quite often judged by society, and referred to by all sorts of names, and talk about something you are quite possible embarrassed and ashamed of?
or would you rather talk on a one to one basis to someone that understands what you are going through, and can offer direct support?
I can imagine there are many people that would struggle in any 'anonymous' scenario, some people dont like being put on the spot
When you stand up in an anon meeting, you know that everyone else there has problems.
If he hates the idea of sharing in that kind of setting, what's stopping him asking for one-to-one help?
The addiction is his - the responsibility to change is his.0 -
It can only be addressed if he wants to change.
I appreciate that you may mean well carl, but OP has had at least 9 years of trying to support this guy. Fortunately she had the sense to keep their finances separate from Day 1 so that's a bit of damage limitation but it does show how long running his issues have been. Plus she's now got the prospect of bringing up her two children (one a tiny baby) with a man who's very unlikely to support them financially.
Enough is enough!0 -
sadandlonely wrote: »Hi guys
Newbie to the thread and looking for some impartial advice really.
I split from my husband last november, we have two children, 9years old ds and 7 month old ds. I took on a new House and he moved in with his parents. I am still on maternity leave at the moment but have decided to extend it til september as baby is ebf and very clingy for me.
Now we split up due to his money issues - whole pay packets gone in a few days therefore i had to cover every bill. He has a gambling problem which i have known about for years but he has promised time and time again to quit but never did. He constantly borrowed throughout the months to be in the same situation on the next pay day. He steals from the kids jars and i cant carry any cash around with me. He took out loans and was nearly taken to court over them. The lies are continuous but i catch him out all the time.
OK, you tried, you stuck with it and he had an opportunity for change. Good for you! Unfortunately it didn't work out and I am sure that you have made the right decision for you and the kids.
Early january, he spoke to me saying he wanted to get back together. Told him i couldnt trust him to quit gambling and he had to sort himself out. His reply was i am avoiding the bookies. I said that wont help by just avoiding the bookies and maybe gamblers anon would be helpful but he wont go there. I dont trust him to quit gambling altogether and told him i couldnt rely on him to support me on my extended maternity leave whilst his behaviour hasnt changed. Plus the kids dont need the hassle of me throwing him out again if it all goes pear shaped.
So this led to him saying well file for divorce then. Now i didnt want that to happen, all i wanted was for him to change. Now ive found out hes been messaging people on facebook, saying hes interested. Even said to one about marrying her. Shes got 3 kids, he cant even be bothered with ours and prefers to spend his time including paternity leave playing candy crush.
From your post I believe that you gave him no hope of a reconciliation as all trust had been eroded - which is understandable. Why would you then be surprised (and not want one) when he suggests a divorce? There is no middle ground here.
Im gutted to say the least. Its only been a week since the threat of divorce and now hes doing this. I really dont know what to do!
You have taken a brave decision. Trust your own judgement and move forward with your life. What he does or doesn't do no longer impacts on you and his disappointing behaviour should only go to confirm that you were right to make the choices that you did.
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thanks everyone for the further input. given me food for thought, xx0
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Think what you would say to a friend if they told you this, would you say "stay he is your husband, or would you say he has sunk so low as to steal from his own children that you should divorce him and walk away"
It's very sad it's come to this but you need to put yourself and your children first.Treat other's how you like to be treated.
Harry born 23/09/2008
New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
Proud nanny to two beautiful boys :j
And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better
UPDATE,
As of today 180919. my granddaughter is now my official granddaughter, adoption finally granted0
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