husband problems!!!

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

The problem with not divorcing and getting a financial settlement now is that he could be entitled to a share of everything you build up in the future.

It was the OP who said herself in the first post that she didnt want to divorce. I agree with what you are saying, but a few weeks to make sure shes doing the right thing wont make much difference. I do think she would be doing the right thing, but only she can make that decision.

sadandlonely

dancingfairy wrote: »

You don't need to rush to divorce him straight away but obviously once you've made your mind up then you should get it over and done with.
You can only help someone so much, at some point they have to help themselves It sounds like you have done everything you can for him.
Do you have any close girlfriends that could come over one night and you could put the world to rights with?
df

I dont have many close friends. Some i lost touch with over the years as i had my ds and others i grew to distrust. I have work collegues and theres family but i cant tell them these things x

sadandlonely

Hes just phoned. Knows ive gone silent on him as i havent replied to his texts all day. He said its because he was flirting with that woman. All blame turned round to me, i didnt want him back full stop so he can flirt with whomever he wants too. I made a mistake 2 years into our marriage and cheated but i was young and thought the grass was greener. Paid for that mistake since. Only reason it happened was because i felt wanted as he was gambling again.

Was feeling better about my decision and now i feel crappy again! :-(

Sethisis

This must be so hard for you. But don't go feeling crappy just because he had the audacity to blame you for him flirting with other women! That just shows what kind of person he is, it is no reflection on you.

paulineb_2

sadandlonely wrote: »

Hes just phoned. Knows ive gone silent on him as i havent replied to his texts all day. He said its because he was flirting with that woman. All blame turned round to me, i didnt want him back full stop so he can flirt with whomever he wants too. I made a mistake 2 years into our marriage and cheated but i was young and thought the grass was greener. Paid for that mistake since. Only reason it happened was because i felt wanted as he was gambling again.

Was feeling better about my decision and now i feel crappy again! :-(

Its normal to feel crappy when you are going through an upheaval.

Does your marriage make you happy? I dont mean every minute of every day but on the whole does it make you happy?

Please dont listen to him trying to pin the blame on you, you arent to blame for his gambling nor him telling you hes been flirting with someone else.

You dont need to answer his texts or speak to him just now.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

It was the OP who said herself in the first post that she didnt want to divorce. I agree with what you are saying, but a few weeks to make sure shes doing the right thing wont make much difference. I do think she would be doing the right thing, but only she can make that decision.

I didn't mean start the process instantly. It's worth taking enough time to make sure that's the only way left to go - although there's no harm in starting to get advice immediately.

I was thinking of the couples who separate but don't divorce - it's possible for one to turn up years later wanting a share of the family home or, if no will has been written, getting the bulk of an estate because they are still the spouse.

opinions4u

From what I've read ...

You were unhappy in the past with this man.

He makes you unhappy now.

What will he make you feel in the future?

Cottage_Economy

sadandlonely wrote: »

Hes just phoned. Knows ive gone silent on him as i havent replied to his texts all day. He said its because he was flirting with that woman. All blame turned round to me, i didnt want him back full stop so he can flirt with whomever he wants too. I made a mistake 2 years into our marriage and cheated but i was young and thought the grass was greener. Paid for that mistake since. Only reason it happened was because i felt wanted as he was gambling again.

Was feeling better about my decision and now i feel crappy again! :-(

So he's still trying to get his foot back in the door, and the tactic this time is to make you feel like everything is your fault so you'll feel guilty and let your guard down.

Once an addict, always an addict.

My grandmother's first husband was a gambler. I remember as a child hearing her telling someone how he had spent so much money she couldn't get her kids any new shoes and they had to go to school in their old shoes with their toes all cramped up at the ends. Not nice to see your grandmother upset like that, and that was decades after it happened.

All through his life he put drink and gambling before everything else. She left him taking their 6 children back when it was not the done thing to divorce, and she never regretted it.

If your husband is not willing at this point to seek professional help he doesn't actually truly think he has a problem. Most addicts think other people over-reacting are the problem, not their actions.

Please don't spend time trying to change someone. It's up to him to do it and if he was really gutted about losing you he would be doing everything he could to change. Right now he wants everything to go back to the way it was so he can still gamble and have a woman take care of him so he can do it in comfort.

If he's not willing to change, you need to accept this and for the sake of your kids and your sanity move on.

sadandlonely

opinions4u wrote: »

From what I've read ...

You were unhappy in the past with this man.

He makes you unhappy now.

What will he make you feel in the future?

Probably the same. Hope i dont hear off him today,dont want the hassle of it really, :-(

thorsoak

sadandlonely wrote: »

Hes just phoned. Knows ive gone silent on him as i havent replied to his texts all day. He said its because he was flirting with that woman. All blame turned round to me, i didnt want him back full stop so he can flirt with whomever he wants too. I made a mistake 2 years into our marriage and cheated but i was young and thought the grass was greener. Paid for that mistake since. Only reason it happened was because i felt wanted as he was gambling again.

Was feeling better about my decision and now i feel crappy again! :-(

Of course you are feeling crappy again - you must be grieving over the fact that your dreams have gone - you thought that you would be able to change him, that you would live happily ever after as a happy little family unit - and it's not going to happen

But in your heart, you know that you and our two little ones will have a far happier, steadier, secure life without him - and you will be able to leave the children's money boxes around, you won't have to carry your handbag to the loo - you are doiing the right thing.

And you will feel better soon - read Teawithmilk's thread - or Tayforth's threads - other women have gone along the same road as you - and are almost at the end of the trail now - good luck x