husband problems!!!

marisco_2

Mojisola wrote: »

The way he is talking now, he wants to make it out as if it's your fault - if you'd taken him back, he would have sorted himself out. It wouldn't happen.

Spot on. OP your husband will never be the husband or father you wish he would be. He is too busy blaming you for who he is now, to even consider taking responsibility for sorting himself out. It is a shame that you have wasted so much time on this guy. You do have years ahead of you still though, and will be much better off without a person who seems set on leading such a dysfunctional life. Stay strong, build a new life for yourself and the children and maintain contact with him only so far as is necessary regarding the boys.

dancingfairy

You can't change the past but you can change your future and build a better one for you and your children.
I can't believe you have gone through this for so many years and now you have had a break he is giving you ultimatums and saying you have to make up your mind! He should be bending over backwards to make amends and to prove to you that he has sorted himself out. Also given that this problem has been going on for years it's understandable that it would take a lot of time for you to be able to trust him again. It's certainly not going to be fixed in a couple of weeks or months and frankly it can only be fixed if he accepts its a problem. Right now he's not giving off any signs that he sees there's a problem - refusing to get help, refusing to attend couple counselling, flirting with other women! I mean, really.
Its very sad but you have to protect yourself and your children and quite rightly you needn't put up with this shoddy treatment. Maybe keep the door open but point out to him that he has to make the effort, he has to treat you and take you on dates and he has to attend counselling and make an effort.
Stay strong.
df

PlymouthDad

I too am a gambling addict.I haven't lost it all yet (and i intend not to!) but have amassed thousands of pounds of debt.Luckily my salary just about covers the credit cards and loan repayments.

It is hard being an addict. Of course its selfish but it snowballs out of control until you can't lose anymore. desperation i guess. I'm not condoning what he's done/doing. but its not as easy to stop as some posters are pointing out. I gambled to try and get rid of debt that was crippling our lifestyle but I have only made it worse.

Anyway i'm posting not to defend your husband but to tell you if my wife said she was leaving me and taking my house and kids away from me unless I seek professional help I would be there in a second. I would do anything not to lose everything! money can be replaced (a little blase attitude but it can) but not my wife and children growing up.

Im rambling. Sorry, in summary I think you have given him every chance to prove he is taking responsibility for is actions and you have to do what is right for you and your children now.

sadandlonely

update!! over the last few months, i did well but a few weeks ago, i gave in and we slept together a few times. big mistake!! we were still arguing over money for the kids and csa totally messed up the claim.

i found out monday evening that he has been sleeping around and hes told one girl that im a bunny boiler and my second born isnt his as i slept around. this isnt true as everyone who sees my youngest ds says he is the image of him. ive got an appointment with sti clinic tuesday. he denies that he slept with this girl when we were together. my life is such a mess! my eldest is being bullied, my youngest is now an outcast due to his lies and im at my wits end! i cant sleep and havent eaten in days. why is he doing this to me?

gik

sadandlonely wrote: »

update!! over the last few months, i did well but a few weeks ago, i gave in and we slept together a few times. big mistake!! we were still arguing over money for the kids and csa totally messed up the claim.

i found out monday evening that he has been sleeping around and hes told one girl that im a bunny boiler and my second born isnt his as i slept around. this isnt true as everyone who sees my youngest ds says he is the image of him. ive got an appointment with sti clinic tuesday. he denies that he slept with this girl when we were together. my life is such a mess! my eldest is being bullied, my youngest is now an outcast due to his lies and im at my wits end! i cant sleep and havent eaten in days. why is he doing this to me?

Why are you letting him? Ditch him.

sadandlonely

gik wrote: »

Why are you letting him? Ditch him.

10 years of marriage isnt easy to throw away. i tried to be strong. told him no unless he changes. but it was easier for him to sleep around with every tom, !!!!!! and harry than to work on his problems. i have booked appointments next week with solicitor also, if i make the final break, hopefully i will stay stronger that way!

TBagpuss

I am sorry to hear this, but I think he has demonstrated very clearly that he is simply not currently commited to working on a relationship with you. He will take what he can get, but he isn't willing to adjust his own behaviour. The allegations he is making about you are probably based on guilt - if he can convince himself that you slept with other people, he doesn't have to feel guilty abut him sleeping with other people.

Don't get drawn uin to arguing about it. You know it isn't true.

You are not 'throwing away' anything. You have had those 10 years, and of course there were some good things in that time (not least that it has given you the children).

What you are moving away from is not "10 Years of marriage" but a current relationship which is now dysfunctional. In terms of how you think about it, you might find it easier to look at it as formally ending something which has come to a natural end - that doesn't mean you are throwing away anything which went before, just that you are choosing not to start a new relationship with the same person.

How is your YS an outcast?

I would suggest thinking about what ld to you greeing to sleep with him again and decide for yourself how to avoid that (for instance, not meeting at / inviting him into your home) or altrnatively, consider the cisumstances in which you would be willing to consider a reconciliation so that if you are tempted, you can stop and ask yourself if any of those criteria are met.

purpleshoes_2

sadandlonely wrote: »

10 years of marriage isnt easy to throw away. i tried to be strong. told him no unless he changes. but it was easier for him to sleep around with every tom, !!!!!! and harry than to work on his problems. i have booked appointments next week with solicitor also, if i make the final break, hopefully i will stay stronger that way!

You think he will change?

RAS

sadandlonely wrote: »

i tried to be strong. told him no unless he changes. but it was easier for him to sleep around with every tom, !!!!!! and harry than to work on his problems. i have booked appointments next week with solicitor also, if i make the final break, hopefully i will stay stronger that way!

Hi the only people you can change are yourself and your children, because they are young enough for positive behaviour on your part to affect them.

I read your other thread in which you say the CMS have only allowed for one child? Has he also told them that he is not the father of your youngest? If so demand a DNA test pronto.

With respect to divorce, you need not bother with a solicitor. It only costs the court fees and you may get remission of those if you are on benefits. Download from the courts web-site, complete and both sign. Nothing to pay until you put them into court.

You may need legal help with the financial settlement if either of you own property, have debts or have pensions? Also with the arrangments for contact.

It is pretty much a requirement that you offer to go to mediation on both these. if you can agree the solicitor will draw up the agreement and get it stamped by the court.

What you do need

Morglin

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Lin