How to cope with being unlikeable

an9i77

I wonder how many people out there think they are unpopular. Obviously this thread is a very self-selected group. I read this thing once, that said people tend to overestimate how unpopular they are because they compare themselves to others. Popular people know lots of people. Less popular people don't get about as much. So we will tend to know a lot more people who are popular than those who aren't. We end up comparing ourselves to the party animal, who knows everyone, rather than the loner who sits at home on a Saturday night.
Anyway I thought it was an interesting theory.

mcja

^^
That makes a lot of sense actually. A lot of friends go out, despite having kids, most weekends using grandparents to babysit. We don't have that luxury so don't go out. Don't really want to TBH(!)

top_drawer_2

What an amazing thread. I'm thankful too that others have similar feelings to myself. I'm currently reading Improving Social Confidence and Reducing Shyness and finding it insightful. I hadn't realised I was shy and this accounts for a lot.

Have you heard of Positive Psychology? This has many good points on how to encourage your life to become more positive / fulfilling.

TED Talk - The new era of positive psychology


I think part of the answer is that for me to enjoy other people, I need to be able to address my own needs whilst interacting with others so that I can feel positive about the experience.

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/

I can recommend www.meetup.com and also following any interest which catches your eye as finding others who enjoy something you do is amazing.

TD

rich11

Great thread! I am exactly like the OP.In fact I would go a little further and say I have an invisible tattoo on my forehead that I cant see but other people can.I think the tattoo says "you can say anything to this person no matter how rude"

A couple of recent happenings. I have lived in this town for ten years in the same house.A short stroll away is a little pub.I work hard and like a pint a couple of times a week so I pop in when its quiet.The owners made it clear when I first went in they didn't want anything to do with me no matter how smiley or chatty I was.Totally respect their view that is fine

A new couple recently moved to the area and found their way to the local.After they had been in a few times the female of the couple said to the landlady while standing next to me "this is a lovely pub.Such a shame he is always here" I glance up from my newspaper and they are looking straight at me.Landlady laughs and walks off

Following week some people are chatting at the bar.One of them had apparently just bought a new tv.The person who was talking about it was hushed up as "they might get burgled that night" Yup they were all looking at me

Thing is they know what I do for a living and its certainly not burglary

There was a post earlier in this thread where a poster said they were always the odd one out at school.Snap I was the kid that was always sat on his own on school trips,the school bus,in class the works.

It was the same at home too if I started a conversation it was talked over no one bothered with me at all




Luckily that is what attracted my wife to me.I said on our first date I have no friends and she knew.She was exactly the same but by choice.Her words was every friend I have had has c*****d on me so I don't bother.And we still don't

The worrying thing for me is neither of our kids has any friends at all.It used to bother the eldest enormously but as she has got older she just accepts it(although I picked her up from school today and it seems as though she has an invisible tattoo too as I heard some comments aimed at her from a group of peers)

To the people who say as they get older it bothers them less I salute you because as I get older it bothers me more and more and more

Ps I shower and clean my teeth every day

supermum38

I really like this thread. you are a lovely bunch of people. I feel exactly the same. I am always asking myself 'what's wrong with me? Why don't I have more friends? Why am I still single?'
Oddly, people see me differently- if I'm working or volunteering, they say I'm great and really confident around people. It's true. I am. because i got used to meeting strangers everyday at work and got used to it. BUT I never made any close friends. I tried. Maybe too hard?
I just figured I didn't fit in? But recently I've come to realise it's my choice for a peaceful life.
I've lost friends over messy situations. I never abandoned them but I just drifted away after standing by them. Often feeling hurt myself.
I guess what most of us are lacking is close family. Now there you can't just drift away. Most of the really friendly people I know have family living doors away and they know other families etc.
I've lived here for 25 years and can count my friends on one hand.

I don't know about all of you, but reading others feel this way makes me feel better and clearer about myself.

fairy_lights

supermum38 wrote: »

I don't know about all of you, but reading others feel this way makes me feel better and clearer about myself.

Absolutely! This has got to be one of the most honest and understanding discussions I've seen on this forum. Hopefully we can all feel a little better about ourselves knowing that we're not alone in how we feel.

Notsosharp

fairy_lights wrote: »

Absolutely! This has got to be one of the most honest and understanding discussions I've seen on this forum. Hopefully we can all feel a little better about ourselves knowing that we're not alone in how we feel.

I definitely feel better about not being a social person, I am so used to being told that I'm odd because I don't like mixing with other people all the time that it's a relief to know I'm not the only one! It's kind of drummed into you isn't it?

I've also ordered that book Quiet from Amazon and I look forward to reading it (as soon as I've finished the big pile of books I got for Christmas!)

dibuzz

I feel a bit more normal now too.
Someone I no longer speak to used to send me texts when I was trying to tell her that the way I am is because of anxiety and she used to say "I don't know why you are like that when nothing bad has ever happened to you" and she said it a few times.
For one thing she knows nothing of what has happened to me in the past but like most of my family she thinks I can just decide to change. If only it were that simple.

PlymouthMaid

I have never had a big crowd of friends but now find myself in the position of having nobody outside of family to call on or go out with as old friends have moved away over the years. In a way the most worrying aspect of this is that it doesn't worry me much as I find the full on maintenance of friend ships exhausting. I don't want to phone or text people all the time but would quite like to meet for a natter maybe once a month. I get on well with practically everybody I meet and have hobbies and interests and am not a needy drama queen and yet I have never attracted friends really. I get slightly worried sometimes as I can see myself begin an old lady with nobody to talk to aside from my dog and I am not sure that a person should really be an island.

Callie22

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

I don't want to phone or text people all the time but would quite like to meet for a natter maybe once a month.

This would be a great idea for a club! I've considered joining the local WI but it's the social side of it all that puts me off. A local club with no commitment would be great.