How to cope with being unlikeable

andygb

lostinrates wrote: »

What do you I mean by a genuine nurse or doctor? :eek:
.

Sexy uniform for the lady and white coat and stethoscope for the gent - maybe?;)

vanessav

I think that you may be confusing being 'likeable' with being 'good at networking'.
Some people are great at socialising / getting people together. And society needs these people. But it certainly doesn't follow that they are always likeable!
Society also needs people that are good at looking inwards and like to have meaningful interaction with others.
N.B. A book by Dorothy Rowe about extroverts and introverts ' The Successful Self' was a revelation to me (a fellow introvert)!

an9i77

I am ok at small talk/ meeting people (don't love it but can do it) it's the next level that I falter at. The bit where acquaintanceship turns to real friendship. Even with the (few) people I would consider to be my friends it seems like I am always the one to suggest meeting up/doing stuff/initiating contact. It makes me so sad sometimes. I am seriously considering just letting go, not being the one to always get in touch and see who's still around a few months later. My guess is that I'd become some sort of recluse, and never see anyone. But is that better than always feeling like I have to be the one to do all the chasing?

This post has triggered a few issues for me that were always there, lurking beneath the surface. I think I'm going to look into having some sort of therapy, as these issues are not going to go away, I think my only option now is to learn to accept it. If nothing else, maybe therapy can help me come to terms with the past, I struggled with friendships at school/ uni and think I need to grieve for what I missed out on at that time.

Ho hum. At least this thread is showing me I'm not the only one and whilst I don't wish this kind of suffering on anyone, there is some comfort in that.

on the introvert/extravert thing, I am definitely not an introvert but that kind of makes it worse as I think I have a greater need for other's company. My partner is an introvert and he can take it or leave it.

jozxyqk

A lot of posts here strike a chord with me too (I just took the test and am INTJ too).

I don't consider myself unlikeable as such but the fact is I have no social life at all... A lot of that is down to long working hours + a long commute and my location. My nearest family is 100 miles away and most of my few friends live much further away. I sort of keep in touch with people via social media and go to see them very occasionally. It's rare that someone makes the effort to visit due to the perceived distance. It probably doesn't help that I have high (probably unrealistic) expectations of people due to being let down countless times by so called friends at school / in my teens.

To be honest I don't have the energy to try to make new friends - I'm in my late thirties, married with a very young DS and am happier spending an evening watching a film, gaming or catching up on sleep.

My older brother is a natural social animal, we're chalk and cheese.

iamashoppingaddict

Judi wrote: »

Does he listen though?

Nope, like talking to a brick wall.

an9i77

jozxyqk wrote: »

It probably doesn't help that I have high (probably unrealistic) expectations of people due to being let down countless times by so called friends at school / in my teens.

I'm interested in why this gives you high expectations - if let down wouldn't your expectations be lower?

Cottage_Economy

SnowyOwl wrote: »

I am an INTJ too.

Oh wow...so am I.

BritAbroad

warwicktiger wrote: »

I feel such a failure, marriage, career, everything should be a whole lot better, I am not stupid, I have a high IQ but just cannot apply myself or get on with people

^^^ This. I can so relate to this. I have a good marriage but everything else is so true. My career was a shambles, I'm educated and intelligent but lacked the confidence to work out what I really wanted so drifted into an industry that bored me, where I was unfulfilled and eventually with a boss who drove me to the brink of a breakdown. Any networking events were a nightmare for me as I always felt such a failure and totally inadequate. I was good at my job but not particularly motivated. Now I can't even get an interview for a job and I feel I have never fulfilled my potential.


Weirdly, although an introvert (ISTJ, though I've taken this test before and scored INTJ) I can be very sociable - I love parties and weddings and enjoying planning what to wear etc. One of the things I hate about my current life is that there are no big social events with friends. In saying that, I think it stems from a feeling of a need to belong and to feel I matter to people. A group of friends I've had for over 20 years all forgot my last birthday and it absolutely cut me to the core. When one of them had her birthday recently I battled over whether to send a card, as I'd already given her a birthday gift when I last saw her, which was just before my birthday. I didn't in the end up as it's not the first time she's forgotten mine but I do feel guilty.

I have another friend who makes me feel so unworthy at times though she would never realise it. I suspect some others in the group also get that feeling at times but are able to brush it off. Thing is, she's actually a nice person and people are drawn to her.

I don't really understand the whole 'be interested in other people to make friends' thing. I am interested in other people and ask them lots of questions about themselves and their lives, as people love to talk about themselves. I find though it's seldom reciprocated - they never ask about me or my life. I have one friend who I know all the details of the ups and downs in her life over the past year, yet she has not asked me a single thing about my life in all that time. Not one. She has no idea that I've been volunteering, went on holiday, had a car accident, looked for a job, renovated part of my house - none of it. Do other introverts get this? Do we give off some aura that says 'don't ask me about myself'?

Callie22

tiger_eyes wrote: »

INTJ, by any chance?

INFJ, which is quite lonely lol

Bluebell1000

LOL another INTJ here as well! I have a job that involves lots of talking to people, but it's about a subject that I love, and talking to other people who are enthusiastic about it too is great fun. Social occasions though are much harder work! I'd quite happily hide in the corner but I do make myself go to things and talk to people, as I think it's good to practice.