How to cope with being unlikeable

emslovesmickey

I've been reading these posts with tears in my eyes. It's a bit of a mixed blessing, knowing that there are others out there like you but also reading the trouble some of us have had socially.

I can probably count two friends, both of whom are miles away from me. I don't go out socially (live in a town where 'go out socially' means to the pubs, and i really don't like pubs). I have been to uni (years ago now) but got stuck in a job that i started during the breaks in uni to earn some money, like somebody said earlier on, i did not know, and still do not know, what i want to do.

A lot of why i don't socialise is a combination of not knowing what to say (i've deleted this three times and rewritten it), and very low self esteem. At the moment it is really depressing me, as i am 30 in less than a month, and have found myself thinking, it this what the rest of my life is going to be like?

It is a comfort that there are others out there though.

Skintski

I'm a bit of the same although mine seems to come down to esteem. I sit and watch my friends all jabba about their lives and I just think what's the point in me telling them about my life, it's really not that interesting so why would anyone care.

I have a small handful of very close friends who I share most things with but that's it.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Another INTJ/INTP here & also pleased to read that there are others out here like me (although not pleased that you're probably all finding the social stuff as difficult as I am).

MrsAtobe wrote: »

... I worked for donkey's year in IT desktop support, and having to be polite and pleasant and smiley all day has really drained me of any 'I want to be sociable with everyone' feelings. I can make small talk, I just choose not to. I have been told that I am weird, and a snob, and that the fact that I as a woman will debate things with a man is apparently 'off-putting'...

I also have to be smiley at work & interact with many people all day, so I know I can do it if I have to, but I find it so exhausting. Then I get home & my other job as single mum to 2 starts, which is also exhausting & draining, & if I see a grown up in the evenings/weekends I often CBA to make small talk. I've also had the comment about joining in with men's conversations being off-putting, or I'm too confrontational as I may put forward a different opinion. Being single adds in a different component - some partners of these men have even warned me off their men :rotfl:. I'm 45 next week, a few stone overweight with no style whatsoever, never mind being somewhat offended at their suggestion that I can't keep my hands off any man.

an9i77 wrote: »

I am ok at small talk/ meeting people (don't love it but can do it) it's the next level that I falter at. The bit where acquaintanceship turns to real friendship. Even with the (few) people I would consider to be my friends it seems like I am always the one to suggest meeting up/doing stuff/initiating contact. It makes me so sad sometimes. I am seriously considering just letting go, not being the one to always get in touch and see who's still around a few months later. My guess is that I'd become some sort of recluse, and never see anyone. But is that better than always feeling like I have to be the one to do all the chasing?...

I have always been able to count the number of friends I've had on one hand for as long as I can remember, but with the majority of these I've also mainly been the one who does a lot of the organising & keeping in touch. I'm quite an organised person, & guess that some people are always happy to let someone else do the organising, so I tell myself these are the reasons, but in my heart I don't believe it. When I have stopped making the effort then most friends have drifted away from me, which saddens me. I've always been the one to send birthday cards, suggest birthday outings for tea & cake with friends etc. but when it comes to my birthday the majority of my friends forget year after year (& they know when it is) & no one ever suggests going out for my birthday.

Several months ago I had a real heart to heart with an old friend, where I revealed how lonely I was & how difficult I find having a social life (time restrictions as well as my social ineptitude) - & not heard a word from her since . She sounded surprised at the time as I always seem "so together" so maybe I just read another social situation wrong & came across as too needy?

I'm not sure yet whether I care more or less about this now that I'm older - I'm usually too busy with both jobs to think about much & so knackered I just collapse into bed.

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Let all introverts unite!
(but quietly, in their own homes, alone with the phone off the hook)

I love this ^^

Poppydoo

I am being a bit naughty and have used a new name as even talking about this embarrasses me!

I have felt like this my whole life and almost come to accept there is something unlike able about me even though I think I am quite a nice person.

I was an only child and never mixed with other children until I started school so do think I missed out on interacting at an early age. Older parents and being the youngest child starting school that year probably didn't help either. My parents never let me have long hair like all the other girls and dressed me in hand knitted cardigans causing me to stand out like a sore thumb causing the inevitable bullying.

I just think people aren't drawn to me, I never made one long term friend at all during school and many years later still do not have a single friend in the world. I don't think I am horrible and have enough confidence to chat to people I do meet but can never develop further than small talk. Don't think I have ever been asked for a coffee and never been to someone's house for a drink etc.

At work, I can be chatting to someone and find other people jump in like I'm not there at all, sometimes think I'm invisible. Again at work, everyone seems to know what's going on except me.

Over the years I have tried being chatty, not be chatty, smile at folk, asking about their kids etc and always feel I am being viewed suspiciously.

It's very strange, I am clever enough, don't have 2 heads, try to dress normally (whatever normal is) have a good work ethos etc.

I am not depressed and have no confidence problems that seem to point towards social anxiety so don't know where it all went wrong.

I do worry about the future as my husband is 8years older than me and I only had one child. I would hate for my son to give up his life to take me for lunch at the garden centre every weekend as I won't see anyone else.

ciderwithrosie_2

I have to speak to the public all the time in my job, often in distressing situations, I don't know who I'm going to have walk through the door or call me up, so even if you don't feel confident you have to give that impression. My mantra is 'fake it 'til you make it'. Only those really close to me know that I have self-image/confidence issues, that I've had all my life.


A couple of things that stands out in a lot of posts from people that feel they are socially awkward and 'unlikeable' seems to be inconsistency of mood - some days you're feeling chatty other days you can't be bothered with people, which is fine but the people usually perceived to be the 'nicest' are those that always greet you, have a happy smile, appear interested in you, don't tend to bring their issues into the conversation/tell you their life story etc.

People don't know what to make of someone that will speak some days but not others, they probably think it's something they've done, so after a while will give up trying.

The other thing is small talk. People generally like it. It's non taxing, non threatening, non-committal - you may have lots to say on a subject you are passionate about but no one wants to be lectured and it goes back to the inconsistency thing again. Can't think of anything to say one minute, gabbling 19 to the dozen the next.

I'm not saying any of this is the right way to behave, and calling people a 'weirdo' to their face is just plain nasty, but just trying to give a bit of insight into why others may behave this way to you.

gozaimasu

Psychology is very interesting, but I want to challenge it.

I did the Myers-Briggs test and found I was INTP (strong I, strong T, middling N/P) which I think is less than 2% of the general population. These people can come across as aloof yada yada at work, and so can appear unlikeable, which is what the OP is talking about.

So, if we are all taking these tests, are we supposed to be finding ways not to be ourselves? To pretend to take interest in how other people are at work? Just asking because it's social convention? Asking because we are scared of standing out as being abnormal and getting sacked for just being ourselves?

Psychology was invented because of human beings' need to continually analyse and explain everything. They want to categorise all humans, put them in a box. We work because society decided that was our fate before we even got put on the earth. We work because we have to pay bills that society decided we should have to pay.

So we're in the introvert box, and now Susan Cain is coming along and telling that it's how we are and there's nothing wrong with us. Is anyone at work taking notice of this? Probably not.

Then there's the Newcastle Personality Assessor, which determines that there is a scale of 5 factors which define your personality. Extraversion, Neuroticism, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness and Openness. At extreme ends of these scales, you have psychologists talking about mental illnesses and susceptibility to various pathologies and conditions that we can be diagnosed as having.

So basically, if you are at an extreme end of any of the scales, you are not the same as the general population, and therefore society has to "tag" you and label you with a condition, because it isn't what the majority of people go through.

For example, people who are high in Neuroticsim, have greater chance of suffering from depression (along with countless other mental health issues etc). If we are to believe the statistics that 25% of people will suffer from a mental health issue in their lives, that means that 75% of the population are "normal", "happy" and breeze through life without problems. Just because that is the case, the minority have to be caged and restricted by a psychological term that somebody decided we should categorise people by simply because they are in a minority.

Who decided that a human's natural state is to be happy? Why are we expected to be happy, and that if we're not, something is wrong with us?

What is causing people to have such low self esteem and worry about being liked at work, is the result of society ostracizing a minority group. If you're not happy-happy-smiley-smiley with people at work and enjoy small talk, you're labelled as weird. If you express viewpoints outside of the norm, you get yourself into trouble, especially at work.

These things don't go down to well in social settings either. I have a small group of friends who are all starting to get married and have kids. I find it hard to express to them my congratulations, because I personally don't see the appeal in any of those things, nor agree with the point of it. I think babies are ugly, messy and noisy. I think marriage is just a bit of paper to mark an archaic tradition that doesn't really mean anything. You can't tell your friend what you really think, so you have to fake a reaction to their news. Therefore, I can never really be myself around my friends. When they have kids, I will probably never see them again.

The sad fact is that most people who feel this way will go through lives experiencing extreme emotions that are very painful, suffering in daily work life, just because who they are doesn't fit in with societal norms. That's wrong.

I also don't like that people want to throw an Asperger's diagnosis into the mix without proper justification. It really is quite different from just being a bit socially awkward.

Just accept yourselves for who you are.

ciderwithrosie_2

gozaimasu wrote: »

These things don't go down to well in social settings either. I have a small group of friends who are all starting to get married and have kids. I find it hard to express to them my congratulations, because I personally don't see the appeal in any of those things, nor agree with the point of it. I think babies are ugly, messy and noisy. I think marriage is just a bit of paper to mark an archaic tradition that doesn't really mean anything. You can't tell your friend what you really think, so you have to fake a reaction to their news. Therefore, I can never really be myself around my friends. When they have kids, I will probably never see them again.

Isn't that cutting off your nose to spite your face? Surely a true friend would support their decisions regardless, even if you can't see the point in marriage and babies yourself, why would you need to fake a reaction to their news if this is what makes them happy? Do you not want happiness for your friends?

shewhoshallbe

Well, yet another miserable name-changing old git here! I too am an INTJ.

Bathory, I could have written your post exactly.

I think that whatever you are like, some people will like you and others won't. Its a case of finding someone on the same wavelength. To paraphrase Dorothy Rowe - anyone who doesn't like me is an a******e and I don't waste time on a******es.

Nothing much to add really, surprised there are so many of us and the poem Desiderata is worth a read..

lillie_put

Where we lived before I saw plenty of people I helped plenty of people
I was there for them I listened I helped when I was able to.
when my disability became worse
where were these meant to be friends????
I wasn't able to walk to cafes to meet them my hubby was working then so I stayed at home with my pets
my lads were in school still then the house was busy with all their mates in an out
they still speak to hubby an I they have even come up here even stayed when all 3 lads were home
it is not that we are ogres
an we both had friends in school but all of them moved away many moons ago as we did. but we returned so our lads grew up nearer family and we felt it would be safer for them than in a city

I chat to all my neighbours I even give out biscuits or cakes if I have made some
we do chat over the fence if they are in their gardens
I don't ignore people or be rude to them
if I can help I will.
I do not talk about myself to them how vein would that be, we talk about gardening the weather how families are do they no I am ill??? probably as 1 neighbour their sons was in school with all 3 of my lads
do I talk about it no I deal I cope I smile they do not see the immense pain I am in
I Am just ME Nothing else Nothing More
as I said they all are lovely people they have their own lives I will not intrude
I do not think I am an introvert I used to dance in competitions till I was 21 then married an moved away husband in army he was away for months I mixed with all the other wives
i don't work now an my neighbours do they get home late and leave early
things could be a lot worse though
so i smile and chat to all you lovelies
take care
lillie_put

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