How to cope with being unlikeable

JustKeepSwimming_2

Poppydoo wrote: »

I am being a bit naughty and have used a new name as even talking about this embarrasses me!

I have felt like this my whole life and almost come to accept there is something unlike able about me even though I think I am quite a nice person.

I was an only child and never mixed with other children until I started school so do think I missed out on interacting at an early age. Older parents and being the youngest child starting school that year probably didn't help either. My parents never let me have long hair like all the other girls and dressed me in hand knitted cardigans causing me to stand out like a sore thumb causing the inevitable bullying.

I just think people aren't drawn to me, I never made one long term friend at all during school and many years later still do not have a single friend in the world. I don't think I am horrible and have enough confidence to chat to people I do meet but can never develop further than small talk. Don't think I have ever been asked for a coffee and never been to someone's house for a drink etc.

At work, I can be chatting to someone and find other people jump in like I'm not there at all, sometimes think I'm invisible. Again at work, everyone seems to know what's going on except me.

Over the years I have tried being chatty, not be chatty, smile at folk, asking about their kids etc and always feel I am being viewed suspiciously.

It's very strange, I am clever enough, don't have 2 heads, try to dress normally (whatever normal is) have a good work ethos etc.

I am not depressed and have no confidence problems that seem to point towards social anxiety so don't know where it all went wrong.

I do worry about the future as my husband is 8years older than me and I only had one child. I would hate for my son to give up his life to take me for lunch at the garden centre every weekend as I won't see anyone else.

Busted - you are me

I'd blanked out the hideous hand knitted cardigans & dresses (yep, knitted dresses) that I was forced to wear to school - even worse as I have a wool allergy & spent all day writhing & scratching...

OP - I have no advice on how to cope with being "unlikeable" but think CiderwithRosie may have a point about changeable moods - I am guilty of this & I guess it is hard to deal with. In my case I'm often quite as my life is pretty boring & I don't want to admit to having a weekend alone where I've not talked to a soul if my ex has had the kids, or a weekend of chores/laundry/running around after kids if he hasn't. I do try & turn the Monday morning "& how was your w/e?" questions around with a "Lovely" answer & ask about theirs.

I just try hard not to think about it all.

fairy_lights

emslovesmickey wrote: »

I've been reading these posts with tears in my eyes. It's a bit of a mixed blessing, knowing that there are others out there like you but also reading the trouble some of us have had socially.

I can probably count two friends, both of whom are miles away from me. I don't go out socially (live in a town where 'go out socially' means to the pubs, and i really don't like pubs). I have been to uni (years ago now) but got stuck in a job that i started during the breaks in uni to earn some money, like somebody said earlier on, i did not know, and still do not know, what i want to do.

A lot of why i don't socialise is a combination of not knowing what to say (i've deleted this three times and rewritten it), and very low self esteem. At the moment it is really depressing me, as i am 30 in less than a month, and have found myself thinking, it this what the rest of my life is going to be like?

It is a comfort that there are others out there though.

Gosh I could have written this post myself, your circumstances sound so similar to mine.
I worry sometimes that I'm not having enough fun or being outgoing enough now, and will regret that when I'm older, and that if I'm not social enough now I wont make the contacts I need to succeed in my career.
This thread has been comforting to me as reading about other people's experiences reassures me I'm not alone, and in many ways I don't mind being different, but sometimes I feel a bit hopeless and like I just don't have the right personality to succeed in this society.

paulineb_2

I actually feel much better for making some effort to socialise and it hasnt been easy at times, I went out about 30 times socially last year, that was probably more than the last 5 put together.

For me, I think I realised how low I was about staying in all the time, when I had the option not to. Otherwise I would have just continued stuck in the same pattern of not doing very much.

fairy_lights

paulineb wrote: »

I actually feel much better for making some effort to socialise and it hasnt been easy at times, I went out about 30 times socially last year, that was probably more than the last 5 put together.

For me, I think I realised how low I was about staying in all the time, when I had the option not to. Otherwise I would have just continued stuck in the same pattern of not doing very much.

Did it get easier to socialise the more often you did it, or do you still find it a bit tricky sometimes? And does it get easier to find things to say? I really admire you for being able to push yourself like that, it's so hard to get up and get out there sometimes.
I know I will always be an introvert but I hope I can train myself to at least be a bit more sociable

Debtphobic_Dinah

Why not try looking at Myers Briggs personality types or NLP info online. Pinterest has loads of stuff on these and they can help you understand yourself and others better. Try the library for NLP books too, I'm not so sure about Myers Briggs. Hugs to you all from an ISFJ(Myers Briggs type).

kwmlondon

Lots of people are just better at "fronting" and looking like they're happy and know everyone. I find that many people who seem very sociable and have a huge group of friends only have a handful that they are really close to, sometimes just one or two. It's like glossy magazines - how many celebrities seem to be having a fabulous time at parties every day, when so many suffer from addiction and dependency. Maybe that's why Big Brother is so popular, getting to see that it's not all smiles and fun even if you're a star.

paulineb_2

fairy_lights wrote: »

Did it get easier to socialise the more often you did it, or do you still find it a bit tricky sometimes? And does it get easier to find things to say? I really admire you for being able to push yourself like that, it's so hard to get up and get out there sometimes.
I know I will always be an introvert but I hope I can train myself to at least be a bit more sociable

I do still find it a bit tricky, I never used to, just some life stuff got in the way which knocked my confidence. But its preferable to staying in all the time which is what I would be doing if I didnt go out.

Im not great at small talk, but I can chat to people without much problem even though Im not a loud person.

Even if I only go out twice a month which Im happy enough with, I feel better for it.

I didnt go out for about 6 weeks between mid December and the end of January, felt that I had done enough for the year and couldnt be bothered with the madness that is the festive season, but went out last weekend for a few hours, it was fine.

System

It seems like others can change their profile pictures on Facebook but not me.

One rule for them, another for me.:mad:

Sod 'em!

fivetide

I have to socialise for work, I don't like it, I'm never happy with standing about making small talk for the sake of it, all forced and clearly there are a lot of people who feel the same!

I do have one friend who comes across as you describe OP - standoffish and rude. Perhaps because he's a consultant (IT) and works in lots of different places at once. As a result, people invite him out to stuff and he's quite clear he has friends, he has people that he likes and he struggles to see more than that. He's here for work not friends and if a vacancy for a friend comes up he'll let them know!

Personally, I like the attitude of having a few strong relationships you can maintain rather than loads of loose associates who don't really benefit your life in any way.

Newlyboughthouse

Sounds just like me. I was always a weirdo in school - nobody liked me. My social life hasn't drastically improved since then (I'm 26 now). I have pretty much every symptom of Aspergers, as do you

In school it was crippling, but now I see it as my superpower - I'm successful in my career, own a house by myself, have no financial worries, say it as I see it - and this is all probably helped by the fact that I'm an Aspie. While I have a select few friends, I don't feel the need to have friends. Much prefer the company of animals. I'm actually more affectionate towards my cat than my long term boyfriend

Embrace it - it's great