How to cope with being unlikeable

Kayalana99

You know what I've been writing a post for this fourm and I keep deleting it.

It basicly comes down to not knowing how to talk to people because at end day if I am one on one with someone I'm usually fine but put me in a group and IDK everyone looks at me like I'm weird for the stuff I come out with. (I.e a badly told joke that wasn't funny kind of thing.)

SCREW THEM! I am a FUN person & they would be lucky to be friends with me.

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

At least I have them I guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DannyBo

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You know what I've been writing a post for this fourm and I keep deleting it.

It basicly comes down to not knowing how to talk to people because at end day if I am one on one with someone I'm usually fine but put me in a group and IDK everyone looks at me like I'm weird for the stuff I come out with. (I.e a badly told joke that wasn't funny kind of thing.)

SCREW THEM! I am a FUN person & they would be lucky to be friends with me.

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

At least I have them I guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quality not quantity dear. Have a ball the 3 of you :beer:

dibuzz

Kayalana99 wrote: »

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

At least I have them I guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't have a hen party, I only had one friend to invite and wouldn't have wanted one anyway, I just went for a drink with my dad and his wife then got home to my mum ranting and raving that I should have spent my last night at home with her.

I'd love to go out more but just can't do it.
Some people from another forum I go on had a meet last week but I was too scared to go and now they all know each other I feel even more of an outsider which will make it even harder to go to a future one.

JustKeepSwimming_2

paulineb wrote: »

I actually feel much better for making some effort to socialise and it hasnt been easy at times, I went out about 30 times socially last year, that was probably more than the last 5 put together.

For me, I think I realised how low I was about staying in all the time, when I had the option not to. Otherwise I would have just continued stuck in the same pattern of not doing very much.

I think Paulineb makes an excellent point about almost forcing yourself to socialise - on the few occasions that I've done this I have felt "better" & always enjoyed some bits of the evening out even if I've felt lost & overwhelmed by other parts of it. I would force myself to go out more but my circumstances often prevent this (single mum, no car, rubbish public transport yada yada...).

I find attending a book group helps - you're all there for a reason as well as a night out, we all take it in turns to speak about the book so it is often quite orderly (& if you don't want to join in the chat then a quick "I've not read the book yet but wanted to know what you all think before I start" gets you out of a hole!) The evening also tends to have a defined end when we've voted for the next book - perfect chance to leave then if you've had enough of being social for one evening. My only problem is finding the time to read the darn thing in the first place

Kayalana99 wrote: »

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

Been married twice & never had a hen night. Not my choice either time, but for my first (I was 21) my few friends didn't organise anything for me even though it was a tradition in our group that that was what always happened. I'd honestly assumed there were going to arrange something (hadn't said they weren't & plans were always kept secret from the bride) & was pretty devastated when it dawned on me that they hadn't.

Second time was more low key so I suggested meeting in a pub for a few beers. Unfortunately I had a minor car crash earlier that day (all fine, not my fault & only minor damage to the car so easily sorted). When I got to the pub quite late there was no one there but when I asked the bar staff they said none of my friends had been in at all.

My bridesmaid at my first wedding let me know after the wedding breakfast that she wouldn't be coming to my evening reception as she wanted to go out with her new boyfriend (who had been invited but didn't come due to work) back home 2 hours away from my reception.

I don't understand why my friends would think it was OK to behave in this way - I put it down to then not really being friends &/or not really liking me but when I asked a few of them in private they said I was being ridiculous & as of course they liked me...They just had other things to do on those evening.

Does anyone else feel that they get treated differently by friends? I wouldn't dream of treating anyone the way some people treat me, but as they think its OK I now doubt myself & my values, & am starting to assume that I must be in the wrong.

an9i77

Hi JKS and Kayalana (and everyone else!), wow I feel the same as you guys sometime. I have some 'friends' who seem to make a habit of never getting back to me on text or email, I will send a chatty email suggesting meeting up or dinner or something and just never hear back. I am beginning to think this is normal textiquette, but I always respond to people I think it is just rude not to.

One of them I have now decided not to bother with at all anymore, she let me down one time too often, the crunch came when I invited her and her husband to dinner, and she made a load of excuses why she wouldn't be able to come, I then found out she'd made dinner plans with another friend at that time, they didn't get the excuses so it was clearly a cop out and I let her go.

But yes, I am used to being the one doing all the running and it's reached a point now where I don't think I can do it anymore as it makes me so resentful, the alternative is becoming a recluse but I sometimes think maybe that's the better way than with fair weather friends.

I know some people on this thread seem to cope ok with their perceived unpopularity but I have to say it makes me feel really unhappy/depressed/sad particularly when I think about all the lost opportunities in the past.

I actually started therapy this week to see if this can make a difference long term, as the relationship you form with the therapist is supposed to tell them how you form relationships with other people in general and then of course you can work on that one in the therapy.

I just thought I have to do something, or at least know that I tried to do something.

I wish I could manage to not care too much about this issue, but I can't and never have. I feel like a popular person stuck inside an unpopular person's body - does anyone else ever feel like this?

an9i77

on the hen do/wedding subject, I will be getting married soon too and although it's too soon to have made too many plans (we only just got engaged) I have already been thinking about who to invite to the wedding/ hen do etc. There's lots of people I could invite but I'm not confident they'd actually come and don't want to risk inviting them only to get the rejection.

I think I'm just going to invite a few of my real friends, probably only a handful, won't bother with bridesmaids maybe just one maid of honour to coordinate my kids in the ceremony. And I may just book an afternoon at a spa for the hen and see who wants to come, doesn't matter if it's only a couple of people.

Apart from that been thinking of getting married abroad (Ibiza) and only inviting family, then don't have to worry about it all! OH doesn't have many friends either (although doesn't seem to mind)

Cottage_Economy

paulineb wrote: »

I actually feel much better for making some effort to socialise and it hasnt been easy at times, I went out about 30 times socially last year, that was probably more than the last 5 put together.

:eek::eek::eek:

I went out three times. And came back early once because I'd had enough.

By the way, I read something about introversion the other day that was quite interesting.

Most introverts have very sensitive hearing, so being out with lots of people can be hellish for them as they get overwhelmed by their senses. That's why they're better in small groups or 1-2-1.

Explains a lot with me.

Cottage_Economy

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You know what I've been writing a post for this fourm and I keep deleting it.

It basicly comes down to not knowing how to talk to people because at end day if I am one on one with someone I'm usually fine but put me in a group and IDK everyone looks at me like I'm weird for the stuff I come out with. (I.e a badly told joke that wasn't funny kind of thing.)

SCREW THEM! I am a FUN person & they would be lucky to be friends with me.

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

At least I have them I guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I wrote my wedding invite list I had five people. Hubby had over 100. I nearly died of shock and fright. We ended up with 60 in the end, and I had to invite some distant family and my best friend's family to make up a few numbers on my side. it worked out fine though as all concerned used the wedding as a chance to have a catch up as they hadn't seen each other for a while.

I had no hen party either. Refused point blank. Hate them. I liked the idea of a relaxing spa day or weekend in the run up to the wedding, but a lot of girls didn't have much money so in the end I left it. I did think perhaps for our 10 year wedding anniversary I might do the spa day/weekend as we all have money under our belts now and could do it.

minerva_windsong

I could have written that original post. I've never been particularly good at making friends and have only ever had a handful of people I'd describe as close mates. I really struggle to make small talk or network and often find myself feeling left out even though there's also the side of me saying 'Well it's your own fault for not talking to them'. Then I end up swinging the other way and saying yes to everything and then feeling resentful that I can't do what I want but I feel like if I don't go then people won't invite me to things any more and will think badly of me.

I wouldn't say my self-esteem is low but I would describe it as fragile; if someone shouts at me randomly in the street, say, I'll be turning the comment over in my head for hours. This is also partly where I think I give off the 'stuck up' impression because I quite often feel people won't be interested in me or what I've got to say, so I just sit in the corner on my phone and don't say anything which then turns into a vicious cycle. I also often get the thing where, when I do say something that I think is insightful or witty, nobody reacts, and then two minutes later someone else says the exact same thing and everyone acknowledges it - which then of course makes me think it's something wrong with me.

The thing that sort of helps me to deal with it is to have a stock set of questions - when I was travelling it was 'Where are you from, where have you been and where are you going?', or when I go to blogging events it's 'I like your dress/shoes/bag/lipstick, where did you get it?' It works temporarily but I still often end up with that feeling of being the nerdy girl desperately trying to get the cool kids to like her and failing miserably.

All that said, it is nice to come on here and know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

lostinrates wrote: »

DH once got a really odd feed back at work from a peer review under 'needs improvement' saying' overly friendly with support staff'. DH explained he didn't see people as support staff he saw them as 'Jenny who also keeps chickens and he must remember to bring some silkie eggs in for' or 'matt who as well as being great at resource management has great taste in music'. He also suggested that perhaps if his peer reviewer were less rude to support staff he'd find them more supportive and helpful when he weren't making deadlines. dh's work mates are happy to help the 'human' who sees them as one even if its just by letting him stash a bag in a cupboard he's not really meant to use.

My OH got told something very similar to this when he had an interview with his line manager at the end of his probationary period at work. I personally think it's code for 'we can't find anything to criticise so we're making an issue out of what is actually not a bad thing'.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

It does bug me that I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I only have like 2 main friends to invite the rest are friends of my OH who 'I get on with' when they are their

What will I do on my hen party? How SAD is that?

At least I have them I guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have this a bit - the feeling that my only 'proper' friend is my best mate because I knew her before I met my OH. The people we know from university/people he knows from back home don't feel like 'my' friends or 'our' friends - they are 'his' friends as he knew them before I did and they just have to be nice to me because I'm his fiancee, whereas I think if we didn't have that connection most of them wouldn't give me the time of day.

jozxyqk

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Been married twice & never had a hen night. Not my choice either time, but for my first (I was 21) my few friends didn't organise anything for me even though it was a tradition in our group that that was what always happened. I'd honestly assumed there were going to arrange something (hadn't said they weren't & plans were always kept secret from the bride) & was pretty devastated when it dawned on me that they hadn't.

......................................................

I don't understand why my friends would think it was OK to behave in this way - I put it down to then not really being friends &/or not really liking me but when I asked a few of them in private they said I was being ridiculous & as of course they liked me...They just had other things to do on those evening.

Does anyone else feel that they get treated differently by friends? I wouldn't dream of treating anyone the way some people treat me, but as they think its OK I now doubt myself & my values, & am starting to assume that I must be in the wrong.

When I got married a few years ago the done thing at my workplace was for everyone (who wanted to) to contribute to a gift or donation. Plenty of people were aware of it including the main gift organisers but I got absolutely nothing, not even a congrats card. I'd been there nearly a year. :eek: After I got back I sent a slightly b!tchy email inviting people to share some wedding cake and had 2 half-hearted congrats emails back.

In answer to your questions, I think your initial response of 'friends shouldn't treat you like this' is absolutely correct. Those people aren't your friends, just acquaintances who obviously don't care about you and are happy treating you like a doormat. They might not dislike you per se but they don't respect you and to act in such ways says far more about them than you.