How to cope with being unlikeable

BritAbroad

A few people have mentioned accepting their situation and how it's helped them. My question is: HOW do you achieve that acceptance? There are several aspects of my life that bother me (some of which I truly cannot change) and I genuinely wish I could accept them as I think I would then have peace of mind about them. As it is, I am a pretty restless soul and worry constantly about upsetting people, doing the wrong thing, what's going to happen tomorrow etc etc.

As an aside, how do other introverts cope with potentially toxic relationships? I have to deal with a potentially toxic person (though they would never realise it). For reasons I can't go into, cutting them completely out of my life is absolutely impossible, but I do wish seeing them didn't make me feel so bad at times.

scottish_lassy

BritAbroad wrote: »

As an aside, how do other introverts cope with potentially toxic relationships? I have to deal with a potentially toxic person (though they would never realise it). For reasons I can't go into, cutting them completely out of my life is absolutely impossible, but I do wish seeing them didn't make me feel so bad at times.

I'm in this very situation! Will be interested to hear views. I find it hard to cover my feelings with social smiles/niceties that others can do therefore when I am around this person, my feelings are soooo hard to cover and eat me up inside and I'm sure are obvious. Also, I feel when I am not the one smiling, laughing and being socially skillfull, (as this other person is), my 'stiff barrier' (what I perceive) makes me look like the rude one!!!!

System

Although I don't find making friends hard its hard keeping them. Not that I have two heads or something but sooner or later they will ask of me more than I can give.

Friendships I made at church didn't like it when I couldn't attend every meeting or every Sunday service. Try telling them that I'd got 5 kids at home and hubby wasn't working at home didn't make any difference. Ok, my eldest was 15 at that point but he was hardly reliable!

I made some great friends at the gym. The girls wanted me to go out with them on nights out but hubby would have blown a fuse. I got a 'Oh great, I work away so you can go out clubbing it'. I declined. The one guy took my friendship too far and wanted to take things further but he'd got no chance! It was the end of my 12 monthly membership anyway and I didn't renew. He stood behind me when I logged in on my key thing and noticed my name. When I left he found me on Facebook.

I even got moaned at if I wanted to meet friends on a weekend. 'Great, I work away all week and the first thing you want to do when I get home is sod off and leave me'. Since my friends worked all week, weekends were the only time they had off.

I might as well wear a placard round my neck saying 'don't get too close' and the more introverted I'm getting.

BritAbroad

scottish_lassy wrote: »

I'm in this very situation! Will be interested to hear views. I find it hard to cover my feelings with social smiles/niceties that others can do therefore when I am around this person, my feelings are soooo hard to cover and eat me up inside and I'm sure are obvious. Also, I feel when I am not the one smiling, laughing and being socially skillfull, (as this other person is), my 'stiff barrier' (what I perceive) makes me look like the rude one!!!!

That's EXACTLY how I feel around my toxic person too! The person I have to deal with is a 'life and soul' type person, who has to be the centre of attention. Everything has to be about them. I smile and talk and laugh but feel so stiff and fake around them. I can only distance myself so far.

Pechow

I've wanted to post in this thread for weeks, but every time I write something, I end up deleting it. In summary: also a Brit abroad; got a partner but literally no friends, no family out here, learning the language but studies come first so there's a big barrier there, MH issues. I retreated away inside myself years ago as the only way I knew how to cope, and I guess never fully came back out, though nowadays I'm doing a lot better and am far better at passing for normal or being able to socialise with others.

While obviously it would be nice to be able to go out with someone, talk with others, etc TBH I'm not sure if it actually bothers me or not. Maybe it's just because I'm so used to it at this point?

System

I retreated away inside myself years ago as the only way I knew how to cope, and I guess never fully came back out.

yes I can identify with that.

Sad but true but that's where the internet comes in....I can say what I want (though I hope I was bought up well enough not to upset people) and if they don't don't like what I say, or I don't like what they say I can switch off/leave.

I cant count the amount of forums ive joined and left. I cant count the amount the amount of friendships ive made online that ive drifted away from... Oh yes theres one. One person in all the years ive been using forums/chatrooms. I even abandoned MSE for several years before coming back.

an9i77

Well, just wanted to let peeps know that I've had two sessions of therapy now looking at this issue, my therapist is basically working out (with my help) how I subconsciously set up patterns that result in me being rejected/treated badly by others as a result of a difficult, unsettled childhood. It's a revelation! He seems to think that once we make the subconscious conscious then this will enable me to choose different ways of thinking and behaving which will hopefully result in change.

I know therapy's not for everyone, and the real test will be whether it does actually change me/my experiences in the future, but I do feel like it is doing a lot of good and I'm very optimistic that it will improve things for me. Maybe not make me the most popular person on the planet, but even a little bit of improvement will be worth the investment I am making. It is tough having to speak frankly to a stranger about an issue which confuses, upsets and angers me, and dredging up the past isn't fun, but I do feel better for doing it rather than letting things stay as they always were.

System

an9i77 wrote: »

Well, just wanted to let peeps know that I've had two sessions of therapy now looking at this issue, my therapist is basically working out (with my help) how I subconsciously set up patterns that result in me being rejected/treated badly by others as a result of a difficult, unsettled childhood. It's a revelation! He seems to think that once we make the subconscious conscious then this will enable me to choose different ways of thinking and behaving which will hopefully result in change.

I know therapy's not for everyone, and the real test will be whether it does actually change me/my experiences in the future, but I do feel like it is doing a lot of good and I'm very optimistic that it will improve things for me. Maybe not make me the most popular person on the planet, but even a little bit of improvement will be worth the investment I am making. It is tough having to speak frankly to a stranger about an issue which confuses, upsets and angers me, and dredging up the past isn't fun, but I do feel better for doing it rather than letting things stay as they always were.

I wish you well

mothernerd

My counsellor helped me write a list. it included
You can change, if you want to (small things or big things) but if you are happy with how you are, you don't have to conform to what other people want/expect.

She said there were an awful lot of I should/ I must/ I have to/ I ought to in the things I said. I should try I might do this but I don't have to.

Lists are just for guidance not the law.

Can't save the whole world, don't beat yourself up.

And from me NORMAL IS OVER-RATED:j:j:j:):):)

JustKeepSwimming_2

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Most introverts have very sensitive hearing, so being out with lots of people can be hellish for them as they get overwhelmed by their senses. That's why they're better in small groups or 1-2-1.

Explains a lot with me.

Explains a lot to me too - I find if I'm in a noisy environment (as in lots of different noises as I like loud music on its own) I just can't "hear" what anyone is saying. Its as if they all start speaking in a completely different language & all I hear is noise, even if I try to focus on just one person I genuinely can't make out what they are saying. Which just makes me appear even more rude & stand offish when I drop out of the conversation - I feel if I've already asked someone to repeat themselves once & I've still not heard them, then I can't keep asking :rotfl:

Also explains why I'm forever asking my 2 to turn it down....

BritAbroad wrote: »

A few people have mentioned accepting their situation and how it's helped them. My question is: HOW do you achieve that acceptance? There are several aspects of my life that bother me (some of which I truly cannot change) and I genuinely wish I could accept them as I think I would then have peace of mind about them. As it is, I am a pretty restless soul and worry constantly about upsetting people, doing the wrong thing, what's going to happen tomorrow etc etc.

I have to make a conscious effort to tell myself that its OK to not fit in. I have spent a lot of time agonising over events in my life & how I & others have responded to those events - I now try & tell myself that it is just wasting my time & energy to fret any more. I know this sounds trite, but sometimes it does work for me.

As an aside, how do other introverts cope with potentially toxic relationships? I have to deal with a potentially toxic person (though they would never realise it). For reasons I can't go into, cutting them completely out of my life is absolutely impossible, but I do wish seeing them didn't make me feel so bad at times.

I have a friend whom I feel bad about seeing as our lives have been so different (she leads a charmed life & everything just "works" for her whereas mine often feels like a battlefield & I've gone through far more disasters than 1 person should). She doesn't make me feel bad as she is a lovely person, very aware of her own happy situation & agrees that our life situations aren't fair (like many others) - it is me that feels bad about how my life has turned out in comparison to hers. This makes me sound like a vile, jealous person & I'd like to think I'm not. I don't want her to have problems in her life - the comparisons are just there & can't be ignored.

My way of dealing with it is to see her when I know I can have some recovery time afterwards. As we don't live that near each other this works well for me - I see her on a Saturday if my ex has the kids for the weekend, so I can have Sunday alone to prepare for going back to work, doing chores etc. in peace. She leads a very busy life so I doubt she realises why I do this.

It must be hard for her too - I know she doesn't like to highlight that I'm single with no real family, my 2 are having a few problems at school, my financial position is much worse etc. but she can't talk about her family without them sounding loving & caring, or talk about holidays abroad, how her 2 are doing at school without the differences being obvious. I'm glad she has a lovely life & she shouldn't have to hide it to spare my feelings.

Pechow wrote: »

I've wanted to post in this thread for weeks, but every time I write something, I end up deleting it. In summary: also a Brit abroad; got a partner but literally no friends, no family out here, learning the language but studies come first so there's a big barrier there, MH issues. I retreated away inside myself years ago as the only way I knew how to cope, and I guess never fully came back out, though nowadays I'm doing a lot better and am far better at passing for normal or being able to socialise with others.

While obviously it would be nice to be able to go out with someone, talk with others, etc TBH I'm not sure if it actually bothers me or not. Maybe it's just because I'm so used to it at this point?

I think I was trying to say this earlier but couldn't find the words, so thank you. I am guilty of doing the same & also so used to being lonely that I just accept it now.

an9i77 - hope you find therapy helpful. It has certainly helped many patients that I used to work with.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom to share but hope all are doing OK & coping in whatever way works for them.