How to cope with being unlikeable

Gloomendoom

This thread is a bit of an eye opener. I don't have many close friends, less than a handful, but I've never considered myself particularly unlikable.

I don't have problem getting on with people... young or old. I can talk to anybody. A fair few colleagues were prepared to travel over 100 miles to attend my wedding etc.

I really don't think counting friends is a good way of assessing likability.

shegirl

Just popping in as an INTJ and want to point out that 'introvert',in this case,is not about being a loner it's about where you draw your energies from etc.You enjoy your own mind and everything comes from you,you are happy on your own,not a loner who absolutely hates socialising.

I enjoy socialising,but only when I want to.

Gloomendoom

Had to Google INTJ and don't reckon I fit any of the 16 acronyms, so I called in a second opinion. Nope, I don't fit any of them.

Call me Mr. Dubious, but it looks like a load of bollox to me. I'd put more trust in a horoscope.. and that's saying something.

fairy_lights

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

By the way, I read something about introversion the other day that was quite interesting.

Most introverts have very sensitive hearing, so being out with lots of people can be hellish for them as they get overwhelmed by their senses. That's why they're better in small groups or 1-2-1.

Explains a lot with me.

In Susan Cain's book 'Quiet' (it's been mentioned in this thread several times already, but I can't recommend this book highly enough) she writes about how Introverts are often 'High Reactive' and can be overwhelmed by stimulus. So a noisy, crowded environment can simply be too much for an introvert, which can make socialising difficult. An extrovert might thrive socially at a loud and hectic party, but for us more introverted folk it's simply too much to take in, our more sensitive hearing etc is bombarded with stimuli which in turn makes it even harder to concentrate on thinking of small talk.
I was at friends house yesterday, there were a few people there and I was chatting quite happily until someone put some loud music on and all of a sudden I felt completely overwhelmed and couldn't think straight at all. I feel this way a lot when socialising.
I always thought I was a bit of a weirdo for reacting like this, but nope, it's an introvert thing and there are biological reasons why we are this way.

shegirl

fairy_lights wrote: »

In Susan Cain's book 'Quiet' (it's been mentioned in this thread several times already, but I can't recommend this book highly enough) she writes about how Introverts are often 'High Reactive' and can be overwhelmed by stimulus. So a noisy, crowded environment can simply be too much for an introvert, which can make socialising difficult. An extrovert might thrive socially at a loud and hectic party, but for us more introverted folk it's simply too much to take in, our more sensitive hearing etc is bombarded with stimuli which in turn makes it even harder to concentrate on thinking of small talk.
I was at friends house yesterday, there were a few people there and I was chatting quite happily until someone put some loud music on and all of a sudden I felt completely overwhelmed and couldn't think straight at all. I feel this way a lot when socialising.
I always thought I was a bit of a weirdo for reacting like this, but nope, it's an introvert thing and there are biological reasons why we are this way.

Hmm,not convinced.

Btw I'm an introvert and I NEVER get overwhelemd by loud music or other loud sounds,but I am much more likely to be singing or dancing along to the music than chatting about pointless,boring things.

Gloomendoom

shegirl wrote: »

I am much more likely to be singing or dancing along to the music than chatting about pointless,boring things.

Have you considered that they may only seem pointless and boring to you?

fairy_lights

shegirl wrote: »

Hmm,not convinced.

Btw I'm an introvert and I NEVER get overwhelemd by loud music or other loud sounds,but I am much more likely to be singing or dancing along to the music than chatting about pointless,boring things.

Not all introverts are sensitive to noise, just as not all extroverts feel comfortable in crowds or around loud music, it very much varies from person to person. It's just that introverts are statistically more likely to be this way and when we are, it can make it even harder to get along in social situations. I think being able to sing and dance and throw yourself in to things does make socialising much easier

BritAbroad

fairy_lights wrote: »

In Susan Cain's book 'Quiet' (it's been mentioned in this thread several times already, but I can't recommend this book highly enough) she writes about how Introverts are often 'High Reactive' and can be overwhelmed by stimulus. So a noisy, crowded environment can simply be too much for an introvert, which can make socialising difficult. An extrovert might thrive socially at a loud and hectic party, but for us more introverted folk it's simply too much to take in, our more sensitive hearing etc is bombarded with stimuli which in turn makes it even harder to concentrate on thinking of small talk.
I was at friends house yesterday, there were a few people there and I was chatting quite happily until someone put some loud music on and all of a sudden I felt completely overwhelmed and couldn't think straight at all. I feel this way a lot when socialising.
I always thought I was a bit of a weirdo for reacting like this, but nope, it's an introvert thing and there are biological reasons why we are this way.

Interesting. This has been one of the best threads on this board for ages. I've started reading Susan Cain's book after following this thread but I haven't got to that part yet. I personally like music (especially rock which is not known for being quiet!) but I totally understand that sense of being overwhelmed and bombarded by stimuli, even if sometimes they're of our own making. A recent example for me was last week. I was getting organised to go out, I had a list of things to buy from various shops going through my mind, I had a couple of things to return so I was raking for the receipts, I needed to feed the pets, put the bins out and I had the kettle going to make a coffee to take with me. So far, so good. Then hubby came out of his office and started chatting to me, about nothing really, and it was too much so I snapped at him. Poor hubby. If he wanted something specific it would have been okay but I just couldn't cope with idle chitchat at that particular point.

Weirdly though, even though I'm an introvert I find solitude or isolation overwhelming at times and when that happens I'm like a coiled spring and very easily distracted. I can't concentrate on anything so I'll do a tiny bit of lots of things, or I'll go out and mooch round the shops or something just so I can try and be part of the world. It doesn't always work; sometimes I feel better but other times it makes me feel worse.

Being an introvert in a country known for its extroverts (USA) is a strange thing. It seems to be almost impossible to make friends here. I don't have a single American friend - they're all fellow expats. I'm not alone in this - most of my friends are in the same boat. They're a mixture of extroverts and introverts so it can't be that. Those who do have friends have made them through their kids. I'd hoped to meet some people through working but it's not happened. When I first came here I wasn't allowed to work, now I can but can't get a job. I'm well educated and have lots of work experience but no one wants to know. It can be pretty demoralising when the high point of your day is going to the supermarket (especially when you hate supermarkets :rotfl:). I think the area I live in doesn't help - there's a lot of military families and they tend to keep within their own community, I suppose because they're all moving regularly it's hard to put down roots and make friends.

This thread is a breath of air - it's good to know we're not alone!

shegirl

fairy_lights wrote: »

Not all introverts are sensitive to noise, just as not all extroverts feel comfortable in crowds or around loud music, it very much varies from person to person. It's just that introverts are statistically more likely to be this way and when we are, it can make it even harder to get along in social situations. I think being able to sing and dance and throw yourself in to things does make socialising much easier

Tbh though,I'm more interested in the music than anything else,but music has that effect on me:o

shegirl

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Have you considered that they may only seem pointless and boring to you?

Well,clearly,otherwise others wouldn't engage in it.There are some things I really don't get the point of but know others enjoy and engage.Sometimes I can enjoy it sometimes I go along with it.Pretty much like other people do when things don't interest them.