How to cope with being unlikeable

Gloomendoom

shegirl wrote: »

Pretty much like other people do when things don't interest them.

Point taken. You don't need to be HSBC to find other people's conversations pointless and boring.

paulineb_2

I am quite noise sensitive and have got more so as Ive got older, I can actually deal with music more than I can deal with being in a pub with loud chatter, my local wetherspoon can get very busy and very very noisy, its the tuning out thing that was mentioned earlier, thats practically impossible for me.

Angelinaxoxo

Wow this thread has been so insightful.

Took the personality test and found I'm an INFP.

mothernerd

I like this thread, I have enjoyed reading all your posts.

I have always been quiet and withdrawn - I think a combination of nature and nurture. My mother went back to work after I was birn and the woman who looked after me was nearer to my grandparents in age, so I mostly mixed with older people who liked children to be quiet and well-behaved. After my brother was born my mother stopped work but she did all the housework and I was expected to look after my brother and play either in the house or the back yard.

Going to school was terryifying. I had never mixed with other children, I was quite small and the other children rushing round (and frequently knocking me over) at playtime was dreadful - I even told the teacher I was tired so that I didn't have to go outside, just sit quietly in a corner of the classroom. Home wasn't a lot better. Our cousins lived next door but they bullied my brother and we were banned from playing with them and the only other girl in our street was 10 years older than me. My teachers insisted my brothers were allowed to play out so they fared better than me but my mother was still reluctant to let me play with anyone and discouraged me from bringing anyone home.

When I was 7 I joined the library. It was wonderful a place of sanctuary and bliss. I escaped into books as often as I could

I have a problem with one of my ears, I am not deaf but I just hear noise. I have been accused of 'ignoring' people when they have approached me from the wrong side and I haven' t seen or heard them speak. I've also been accused of sulking or scowling in pubs when I haven't had a choice of where to sit and have been struggling to follow a conversation whilst blocking out all the background noise from the rest of the bar.

Big social occasions gave me the heeby jeebies although I did latch on to the trick of asking to be allowed to help with the food - you can float through the room passing round food, nodding and smiling and dive back into the kitchen if it gets too much for you. I also tried getting drunk (not drinking is another thing people hate you for, you can't be enjoying yourself if you aren't drinking) but it didn't help, it just meant I didn't care about the problem.

My husband was the opposite he was a total extrovert, I did hope that some of it would rub off on me. But he got louder and louder and I got quieter and quieter and as I fell out of love (for long and complicated reasons) I noticed that actually he was totally oblivious to any one else's feelings and would happily shout across a room to someone, disrupting five other conversations in order to make a point and would beam around expecting everyone to appreciate his wit and wisdom (rude , arrogant, obnoxious -they all told me what they thought after we got divorced along with 'don't know how you stood it so long').

I had counselling early last year - I have had problems since my brother died (weight, depression, family crises - just too much always being the dependable, sort everything out one). The counsellor asked if I needed other people. I said I knew having friends was one of the things that was supposed to help make you happy but I had often been in the situation of helping people through a crisis - divorce, leaving an abusive partner, unexpected pregnancy just as the older children were leaving school - only to find that after the crisis, the person avoided me like the plague.I compared it to being the first person to date someone after they got divorced - you get all the bitterness about the ex and then they go on to have a happy relationship with someone else. I suspected that one or two people had actually chosen me (calm, dependable, reliable) to help them and then gone back to their normal circle of friends afterwards. The counsellor said that was one of the saddest things she had ever heard. I said I quite liked being seen as calm, reliable and dependable. Most of my interests (reading, walking, embroidery) can be done in isolation and no I don't think I need anyone - I am a self-reliant person. I also like to put on loud music and dance round the front room like a mad thing occasionally -but as I now live on a main road facing a bus stop I tend to keep my clothes on, these days.

I think a lot of the problem is that things have got very Americanised and homogenised. In the days when banks looked after people's money and performed a service, they were staffed by people like me. Now banks think they are there to pester people into buying products they don't want or need, holding up the queue and irritating everyone - they reward staff who manage to pester most people into giving in.

Companies decide who their most 'successful ' staff are and use this as a blueprint to employ more of the same and end up with a company of identikit clones not one of whom has the common sense to say no at any point. IBM did this - company men, company songs, everyone wearing the same colour of suit. Result they were outclassed by other companies at every level they were competing on as they didn't have any employees with any imagination or who knew how to do anything differently.

I have observed a lot of workplaces as an outsider (working for an outside agency) and the wrong people get promoted and loads of time is wasted - people who tick boxes get ahead, people who work for sheer love of their profession (thinking about people like teachers here, but not limited to them) or who actually care about their customers/clients and giving them the service they need, don't.

Think I should get down off my soap box now - no I've started so I'll finish. People who dress up as bears (or whatever) and then demand that you give them money - but it's for charity they say. I used to do voluntary work - lots of it. One of the things I used to do I spent hours poring over text books and legal documents so that I could tell people what they were entitled to and help them fill in long complicated forms. When new legislation was proposed I would read through it so that I could understand it and explain to people what it meant and how it would affect them. DS3 sometimes dresses as a pirate. He and his friends like to dress up as characters from their favourite games and they have friends who like dressing as animals (just for fun). Occasionally they make signs which say 'free hugs' because they like it, it makes some people feel better (even if it just makes them smile) and it makes the world a better place. Now if someone wants to dress as a bear that is fine. If I choose to give money or not give money for a particular cause that is my right. Dressing as a bear does not give you the right to demand that people give you money and it does not make you better than anyone else (it may make you a better person). Thank you and goodnight.:A

mothernerd

I know who John Martyn and Nick Drake are but I am more of a Clapton/ Hendrix/ Peter Green's Fleetwood Mac anything sixties rock with a slant towards the Blues (Mayall/ Procol Harum) kind of girl.

I have pretty eclectic tastes, if it's good I'll listen. If we're limiting it to folk I'd have to say Planxty/ Billy Bragg/ Nirvana unplugged (My girl is superb - I know people either love it or can't stand it) and the Scottish communist fellah who did whaling songs (I'll wake up in the middle of the night remembering his name, all I can think is there's two of them with the same name and the other one's a jazz musician - once went into a specialist music shop trying to get a present for someone and had to explain to the shop assistant although the owner of the shop joined in my explanation part way through.Not keen on the sort of folk musicians that Rory McGrath used to make fun of.

Not terribly keen on some folk artistes as my ex played them to death - took me years to 'reclaim' a lot of stuff after I got rid of him, couldn't even play House of the Rising Sun because he gambled away all our money (and yes I know the original wasn't about a gambling den) but I decided I wouldn't let him stop me enjoying stuff that was in my life way before he was.

Loving Roy Harper at the moment - I keep telling myself I can't just recreate what I used to have on vinyl but then I'll find something playing in my head all the time, work out what it is and go and get it. Not terribly techie and can't afford to update all the time but have just learned how to play CDs on my new(ish) laptop. The disc drive on the old computer stopped working so many years ago that I had got out of the habit and it was only when the tv went down a few weeks ago that I tried it.

Can any of the the techie/ musician types help me. When cassette players first came out did different bits of the music go into each earpiece. I have a problem with one of my ears and I remember people trying to make me listen to things and only getting half the sound (the other ear felt like someone was tickling me with a feather duster). I dropped out at that point but don't know if it is true for more modern stuff like mp3 players. I know men and women hear different bits on the sound spectrum - when we were doing sound pollution at college I asked my tutor why, when I could only hear well with one ear and was furthest from the bathroom, was I the only one to be kept awake by a dripping tap in the middle of the night. He said it was sound pitch.

laineybird2000

Notsosharp wrote: »

The title says it all really....

I have never been a popular person and throughout my life I have always felt misunderstood and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere or with anyone.

I know that I have many faults, but I don't think they are worse than anyone else's but I feel that my faults outweigh my good points.

The worse thing is most of the time I go out of my way to be nice (and I think generally I'm not a nasty or vindictive person) but I end up failing to fit in anyway. I end up getting described as shallow or attention seeking (even though drawing attention to myself is the last thing I want), or stand offish, rude and cold and because of this people end up not bothering with me (although because I am aware of this now I try my best not to be). I will admit I can't always be bothered and I end up thinking why can't people just see beyond that? But this is combined with the fact that I am scared to be more "open" with people and show more of myself because I think I am a bit odd and I worry they will end up feeling the same.

I am none of these things not really (though possibly a bit odd but who isn't in some way) but I'm not very good at "small talk", (get me talking about something I am passionate about and I can talk for hours) and I am not very good at mixing in social situations, I don't have any social phobia and I will go out but I am happier mixing with one or two people at a time.

So I guess the question is how to cope with being seen as unlikeable and being alone quite a lot of the time.

That you mum?

charlies-aunt

"Hell is other people" - John-Paul Sartre

Never been in with the in-crowd, nor ever wanted to be.


More interested in being an individual than a team player.

Can't think of anything more hellish than 'socialising' with a group of people


Apart from close family, I prefer the company of my animals to humans any day of the week!


Am I happy - yes


Am I lonely - no


Am I eccentric - probably!

sussexchick

Been reading this thread with great interest. Maybe the attached link will be of help to some?

http://www.addictiontoday.org/files/addictiontoday145-sociopath-empath-apath-triad.pdf

jozxyqk

mothernerd wrote: »

Can any of the the techie/ musician types help me. When cassette players first came out did different bits of the music go into each earpiece. I have a problem with one of my ears and I remember people trying to make me listen to things and only getting half the sound (the other ear felt like someone was tickling me with a feather duster). I dropped out at that point but don't know if it is true for more modern stuff like mp3 players. I know men and women hear different bits on the sound spectrum - when we were doing sound pollution at college I asked my tutor why, when I could only hear well with one ear and was furthest from the bathroom, was I the only one to be kept awake by a dripping tap in the middle of the night. He said it was sound pitch.

What comes through headphones (cassette, mp3, anything) depends entirely on the recording, i.e. mono / stereo etc. With a stereo recording - particularly older ones - the mix would sometimes for example have the drums & rhythm on one side and melody on the other. Fine in a room, quite disorientating through headphones! Especially if your hearing isn't so good in one ear. I think there are products that convert a stereo signal into mono, so you can hear all the sounds. Or just use speakers.

HTH

grousescot

Just another person here saying "I feel like this too."

Social situations are a minefield for me although now in my mid-30s I have managed to work out how to bumble through them. Someone upthread mentioned Asperger's which I am almost certain I have, and I think quite a lot of people who don't cope particularly well socially have at least an element of it. At school I wish I'd just been allowed to sit somewhere quiet and read instead of being forced out to the playground with everyone else.

My biggest concern was how I'd get a job, given all the "soft" skills you're supposed to demonstrate at an interview. Somehow I've remained employed for just over a decade and it's given me independence. I don't feel I can ask for an more than this which probably explain why I've not advanced. The thought of going out and trying to find something else scares me far more than even the worst days I've had in the office.

There must come a point where a person decides their situation is highly unlikely to change and they are better off learning to accept it. I think that's the position I have reached now.