How to cope with being unlikeable

coolcait

Judi wrote: »

Although I don't find making friends hard its hard keeping them. Not that I have two heads or something but sooner or later they will ask of me more than I can give.

Friendships I made at church didn't like it when I couldn't attend every meeting or every Sunday service. Try telling them that I'd got 5 kids at home and hubby wasn't working at home didn't make any difference. Ok, my eldest was 15 at that point but he was hardly reliable!

I made some great friends at the gym. The girls wanted me to go out with them on nights out but hubby would have blown a fuse. I got a 'Oh great, I work away so you can go out clubbing it'. I declined. The one guy took my friendship too far and wanted to take things further but he'd got no chance! It was the end of my 12 monthly membership anyway and I didn't renew. He stood behind me when I logged in on my key thing and noticed my name. When I left he found me on Facebook.

I even got moaned at if I wanted to meet friends on a weekend. 'Great, I work away all week and the first thing you want to do when I get home is sod off and leave me'. Since my friends worked all week, weekends were the only time they had off.

I might as well wear a placard round my neck saying 'don't get too close' and the more introverted I'm getting.

Umm...

I don't think that this is quite the same thing as being an introvert who struggles in a social setting.

The people you were friendly with at church didn't understand your other commitments. If you hadn't had those commitments, would you have been happy to attend all the meetings and services?

Your hubby moaning at you for wanting to spend time with friends, to the extent that you opt out of socialisation, is also another issue. As is the bit about a gym member stalking you.

The issues in that last paragraph are worth addressing, before you end up being so introverted that you isolate yourself from others.

JustKeepSwimming_2

I had a horrible (to me) experience yesterday when getting the bus back from town.... Not for the first time either.

The bus was smaller than usual so it got really crowded, so full that the driver was yelling at people to move down the bus. I was sat about 6 seats from the front with an empty seat next to me - which no one chose to sit in.

I'm probably overreacting but I felt that I had a sign above my head flashing "unlikeable" that everyone could see, so they'd all rather stand up & be squashed on the bus than sit next to me.

I am always the person that nobody wants to sit next to, or if in a caf! will be asked by people to move tables so that they can sit together (never asked if it's OK to share the table I'm already at).

Does anyone else feel like this? And no, I don't smell I'm a 45 year old woman who dresses in clean jeans & fleece tops, not listening to loud music, not screaming into a mobile 'phone, no viper tattoos on my face, not swigging from a tin of beer....

How can all these random strangers know that I'm so unlikeable?

paulineb_2

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I had a horrible (to me) experience yesterday when getting the bus back from town.... Not for the first time either.

The bus was smaller than usual so it got really crowded, so full that the driver was yelling at people to move down the bus. I was sat about 6 seats from the front with an empty seat next to me - which no one chose to sit in.

I'm probably overreacting but I felt that I had a sign above my head flashing "unlikeable" that everyone could see, so they'd all rather stand up & be squashed on the bus than sit next to me.

I am always the person that nobody wants to sit next to, or if in a caf! will be asked by people to move tables so that they can sit together (never asked if it's OK to share the table I'm already at).

Does anyone else feel like this? And no, I don't smell I'm a 45 year old woman who dresses in clean jeans & fleece tops, not listening to loud music, not screaming into a mobile 'phone, no viper tattoos on my face, not swigging from a tin of beer....

How can all these random strangers know that I'm so unlikeable?

That wouldnt cross my mind to be honest. Sometimes I'll stand rather than sit next to someone because I prefer being in a seat on my own (I tend to travel when the buses are quiet and theres plenty space). I hate being squashed next to someone, I dont mean that you'd squash people but some people do, they have no concept of someones personal space at all.

And if you are in a cafe and asked to move to let people sit together, if you dont want to move, dont move, you have every right to sit in peace as much as the next person.

paulineb_2

I think for me, a lot of how Ive felt over the last few years and the hiding myself away has been due to how Ive felt about myself. Low confidence. I just didnt want to be around people. Much of it due to weight I had put on, but also I think I just stopped caring about myself full stop

I dont have toxic people in my life. Ive just decided to stop going out with a group of people that I would call aquaintances, because from night out to night out I dont get a text, nothing. When I went through some really tough times a few years back, they werent around and I know one girl has had some hard times herself, I know that, but I always felt that I was just being asked as an afterthought and thats not me overthinking it.
We went out before Christmas and we had arranged to go out locally the following weekend and no text came, so I thought Im leaving it and Im going to leave it. I cant afford their nights out anyway to be honest as they dont like public transport and its taxis everywhere. I wouldnt call that situation toxic at all, more like having outgrown people, in the past Ive had some terribly toxic friendships and relationships but these days I wont put up with that. It does make for a lonely life sometimes, but I want something back, nothing material, just a bit of support or an ear when I need it and Ive not had that with friendships for a long time.

I actually miss getting ready to go out and enjoying that, even though I feel much better about myself, Id say Im still forcing myself to socialise, but at least Im doing it. 3 years ago I signed myself up to night outs on meet up and never went, I never had the confidence to go through with it

Ive been out twice this month with meet up and money permitting I'll be out twice this weekend as well, wont spend much cash, just a couple of soft drinks.

For me its very much a battle, Im so used to being a hermit I got comfortable with that, but I dont want to get to the end of 2014 and think, what did I do with my year, oh I stayed in for all of it.

Also, I think its easy to get very insular and not realise other people have stuff on their plate. I received a text from a girl who comes to my fitness classes thanking me for all my help and support and in conversation she told me that her son is in remission from blood cancer, hes 12 and was diagnosed at 4. Id never have known that unless she told me. And that doesnt mean that my day to day grumbles mean nothing, but a lot of people have it really tough and youd never know it to look at them, sometimes other people who you think have an easy or better life than you do really dont.

paulineb_2

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I had a horrible (to me) experience yesterday when getting the bus back from town.... Not for the first time either.

The bus was smaller than usual so it got really crowded, so full that the driver was yelling at people to move down the bus. I was sat about 6 seats from the front with an empty seat next to me - which no one chose to sit in.

I'm probably overreacting but I felt that I had a sign above my head flashing "unlikeable" that everyone could see, so they'd all rather stand up & be squashed on the bus than sit next to me.

I am always the person that nobody wants to sit next to, or if in a caf! will be asked by people to move tables so that they can sit together (never asked if it's OK to share the table I'm already at).

Does anyone else feel like this? And no, I don't smell I'm a 45 year old woman who dresses in clean jeans & fleece tops, not listening to loud music, not screaming into a mobile 'phone, no viper tattoos on my face, not swigging from a tin of beer....

How can all these random strangers know that I'm so unlikeable?

I also think how you view yourself matters. Just because people dont want to sit next to you on a bus (and that could be for 1001 different reasons), doesnt mean you are unlikeable.

I dont even have time to sit and think, do I like this person if I want to take a seat on a bus, I dont know them. If I want to sit down on a spare seat I will and if I dont I wont, liking doesnt come into it.

Even if someone was acting in a way I didnt think was appropriate, I still wouldnt sit back and say, I like them, I dislike them, I dont know them.

marisco_2

BritAbroad wrote: »

That's EXACTLY how I feel around my toxic person too! The person I have to deal with is a 'life and soul' type person, who has to be the centre of attention. Everything has to be about them. I smile and talk and laugh but feel so stiff and fake around them. I can only distance myself so far.

Bare in mind that many people are drawn to those who come across as being friendly, approachable, considerate and who have the inclination to engage and get to know them. Those personality traits are far more attractive in a person than displaying a need to draw attention to oneself, often acting in that way purely for self serving reasons. Trust me when I say that it is not you who will have been viewed as fake.

You wont change the way this toxic person behaves, but you can control how you react to their behaviour.

Any

Judi wrote: »

Although I don't find making friends hard its hard keeping them. Not that I have two heads or something but sooner or later they will ask of me more than I can give.

Friendships I made at church didn't like it when I couldn't attend every meeting or every Sunday service. Try telling them that I'd got 5 kids at home and hubby wasn't working at home didn't make any difference. Ok, my eldest was 15 at that point but he was hardly reliable!

I made some great friends at the gym. The girls wanted me to go out with them on nights out but hubby would have blown a fuse. I got a 'Oh great, I work away so you can go out clubbing it'. I declined. The one guy took my friendship too far and wanted to take things further but he'd got no chance! It was the end of my 12 monthly membership anyway and I didn't renew. He stood behind me when I logged in on my key thing and noticed my name. When I left he found me on Facebook.

I even got moaned at if I wanted to meet friends on a weekend. 'Great, I work away all week and the first thing you want to do when I get home is sod off and leave me'. Since my friends worked all week, weekends were the only time they had off.

I might as well wear a placard round my neck saying 'don't get too close' and the more introverted I'm getting.

I think that is completely different issue!!
Absolutely nothing like the introverts here. They find it physicaly/mentaly hard, you completely choose to be subobedient to your OH, not to socialise with any potential friends and not put any effort in.
Some people are like that-nothing wrong with that! But it is not the same issue...

Kayalana99

Not read most of this thread (I think I may of posted I can't remember lol)

I've basically got my partner, and all my friends are not in my town any more. My two friends have just been my friends since school I don't think we have anything special with our friendship apart from we stay in touch - we are completely different people but it's nice just to catch up on what their up to as we don't see each other for months at a time.

I did have a friend, perhaps a best friend but she basiclly CLAWED her way into my life, I started a new job and she bugged me to come round like 3-4 times a week...it was really annoying to start with not because of her but because I liked my space - but I didn't want to say no because I liked her as a friend and didn't want to lose her in the end I got used to having her around to the point I was really happy if she came round 3-4 times a week and I'd invite her for tea etc....

It suited me...because she would come round during the day, and we had the odd night down town but it was so little it didn't matter but didn't affect me and OH as she came round when he was at work mainly.

She's now gone to Uni.... I must say I do miss her but not as much as I thought I would given I saw her every few days for about a year.

Today I went out to eat with family and my 2nd cousin who I havn't seen in ages was talking to me and it was really forced for me as I DON'T feel comfortable talking to people at all and I ended up shifting my eyes and playing with my baby to take the attention away from myself ...

I do lack confidence - I know this - I would love a couple of friends to go out shopping with or whatever but the scariest part for me is I don't want more then this - there are quite a few play groups near me but the idea of going freaks me out - and even if I DO make a friend what if they want to go out in town at night all time? (Believe me in my local area that's all people do is go down town)

I am crap with talking to new people, I try and make jokes and they don't work - or they take me seriously and think I'm weird.

But....despite all this I am happy...I guess I just want my friend back from Uni as one over active friendship was enough for me I certainly wouldn't want two of her!

JustKeepSwimming_2

paulineb wrote: »

That wouldnt cross my mind to be honest. Sometimes I'll stand rather than sit next to someone because I prefer being in a seat on my own (I tend to travel when the buses are quiet and theres plenty space). I hate being squashed next to someone, I dont mean that you'd squash people but some people do, they have no concept of someones personal space at all.

And if you are in a cafe and asked to move to let people sit together, if you dont want to move, dont move, you have every right to sit in peace as much as the next person.

I realise I am completely overthinking this :rotfl: (combination of being on half term + not having much of a social life = far too much time to think).

I'd like to be more reconciled to being unlikeable/lonely - most of the time when I'm working I don't have the time or energy left to fret, but weekends, holidays etc. can upset me as all I seem to see is people having fun in groups/couples & I'm always on my own. I know that many of them will be having problems in their lives all far worse than mine, & I need to not be so sensitive.

Paulineb - you speak a lot of sense, so thanks.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Not read most of this thread (I think I may of posted I can't remember lol)

I've basically got my partner, and all my friends are not in my town any more. My two friends have just been my friends since school I don't think we have anything special with our friendship apart from we stay in touch - we are completely different people but it's nice just to catch up on what their up to as we don't see each other for months at a time.

I did have a friend, perhaps a best friend but she basiclly CLAWED her way into my life, I started a new job and she bugged me to come round like 3-4 times a week...it was really annoying to start with not because of her but because I liked my space - but I didn't want to say no because I liked her as a friend and didn't want to lose her in the end I got used to having her around to the point I was really happy if she came round 3-4 times a week and I'd invite her for tea etc....

It suited me...because she would come round during the day, and we had the odd night down town but it was so little it didn't matter but didn't affect me and OH as she came round when he was at work mainly.

She's now gone to Uni.... I must say I do miss her but not as much as I thought I would given I saw her every few days for about a year.

Today I went out to eat with family and my 2nd cousin who I havn't seen in ages was talking to me and it was really forced for me as I DON'T feel comfortable talking to people at all and I ended up shifting my eyes and playing with my baby to take the attention away from myself ...

I do lack confidence - I know this - I would love a couple of friends to go out shopping with or whatever but the scariest part for me is I don't want more then this - there are quite a few play groups near me but the idea of going freaks me out - and even if I DO make a friend what if they want to go out in town at night all time? (Believe me in my local area that's all people do is go down town)

I am crap with talking to new people, I try and make jokes and they don't work - or they take me seriously and think I'm weird.

But....despite all this I am happy...I guess I just want my friend back from Uni as one over active friendship was enough for me I certainly wouldn't want two of her!

I'm glad you are happy with your life - gives me hope that I will learn to be happier in mine (& I'm not unhappy all of the time, I just know I could be happier).

paulineb_2

I know what it's like to feel lonely because it seems like everyone else has plans. Meet up helped me a lot. I can opt in and opt out as I feel like it and not every group revolves around being in the pub. There's also city socialiser but that's a bit more expensive. Don't resign yourself to staying in when there are options. Being on meet up has shown me so many people are in exactly the same position and lots are younger than I am, I'm 45.