Getting married and not telling anyone

minerva_windsong

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbf, we don't have to go to our friends weddings!

The best one we didn't go to was a cousin of dh's. the marriage lasted ten days, Yep, ten days. For the record, I happen to know only because its family, and obviously quite a tale, that's something over three and a half thousand pounds a day of the marriage the wedding cost.

Ten days?! How (I'm guessing it was abroad)? I can understand having two ceremonies, say if you were from a culture where to have a marriage in that tradition wouldn't be recognised under UK law so you had to have a registry office ceremony to do the legal bit, but surely that doesn't need to be a ten day wedding!

lostinrates wrote: »

I watched that bbc show about weddings, I cannot think what its called...that thing where the groom has to arrange it.....and its seemed the whole focus was if it would be 'good enough' for the bride...not that it was just happening and he'd tried. Everything is measured and found wanting, and I don't think its that healthy about our personal lives. In measures for self improvement and strides forward, fair enough, but for relationships and hobbies?

Don't Tell The Bride? I watch that. But I think the 'is it good enough' attitude is mainly because the brides come across as spoiled little madams! However I think it's a lot of pressure when you do something like that for someone else - organising a birthday party, say - because you want them to like it (though you'd hope you knew them well enough that they would like what you'd planned). And a lot of the time even when the grooms do things the brides might not necessarily like it comes from a good place; I remember one episode where the reception was in the local pub, which the bride was really sniffy about, but the groom picked it because it was where they met so it had that sentimental resonance for him.

OH and I did at one point consider applying but decided we're way too normal to get on it - as in he doesn't want to get married at a football match/in an alien space bunker/on HMS Belfast etc and I don't want a dress that costs more than the entire budget!

lostinrates

minerva_windsong wrote: »

Ten days?! How (I'm guessing it was abroad)? I can understand having two ceremonies, say if you were from a culture where to have a marriage in that tradition wouldn't be recognised under UK law so you had to have a registry office ceremony to do the legal bit, but surely that doesn't need to be a ten day wedding!



!

No. No, the MARRIAGE lasted ten days!!

See, the thing about a wedding is its not planning for son one else if the groom does it, its planning for 'them'. If I plan something for DH I don't feel 'pressure' I feel excitement, hope he'll like it and realise the thought in the details.

I think that sort of joy , fwiw, is clear at some lovely weddings : )

Gloomendoom

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

This definition fits both sides of the discussion.

The couple getting married could be seen as 'lacking consideration for other people' when they have an unannounced wedding. Equally, the family members who feel upset as they were denied the chance to take part in this unannounced wedding are lacking consideration for the couples thoughts and feelings about how they wish to get married.

Each situation is individual and a blanket labeling of 'being selfish' to either side of the discussion does not take into account the couples families, personalities, who is paying for the wedding etc. ....the list is endless.

I agree, to a point. However, having an unannounced wedding is a deliberate and premeditated action. Feeling hurt because a loved one has had an unannounced wedding is not. It is possible, out of consideration for the married couple's wishes, to hide feelings and wish them all the best for the future... but the inner hurt will still there.

lostinrates

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I agree, to a point. However, having an unannounced wedding is a deliberate and premeditated action. Feeling hurt because a loved one has had an unannounced wedding is not. It is possible, out of consideration for the married couple's wishes, to hide feelings and wish them all the best for the future... but the inner hurt will still there.

Actually, to an extend I think this does impact on my opinion.

But I think it doesn't take into account context which is all, or personalities nor alternatives. I would say there Are examples of selfishness in ALL the situations discussed, though NOT all the people.

Tiffany_Aching

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I agree, to a point. However, having an unannounced wedding is a deliberate and premeditated action. Feeling hurt because a loved one has had an unannounced wedding is not. It is possible, out of consideration for the married couple's wishes, to hide feelings and wish them all the best for the future... but the inner hurt will still there.

Premeditated is quite an emotive word - most definitions of this word describe it as a 'planned crime' (I checked online as I wanted to be sure before using the word emotive). Using the word 'premeditated' can therefore make it sound like it was done with the purpose to hurt. Possibly some people could be guilty of this accusation, I can only speak for myself.

I have already said in a previous post that I married in secret as my mother was being very demanding about who was and wasn't going to our wedding. We were paying for the wedding and we had already said that we would just be inviting our mums as witnesses (OH dad died many years ago and mine not interested). My mum and I have never been close, she has often told me that I wasn't a wanted child and that hasn't helped the relationship between us much. As we started setting a date she decided that she wanted distant relatives and many of her friends that I had only met a handful of times to come, plus a sit down meal. When we said no, we were skint and could not afford a big 'do', she said that in that case she would not be coming. There was no discussion allowed and she just got angrier and angrier every time we told her how we wanted it to be - she started talking about booking a holiday away for the week our planned date fell on unless we invited these people. She was adamant she would not go unless she could invite all she wanted and there was a sit down meal. In the end it was nothing but stress and upset and we actually started to think about calling the wedding off. After a lot of talk we decided to book a closer date and grabbed hold of our two closest friends and got married in secret.

My mother was furious when we told her we had married - her actual words were that we had denied her her 'big day in front of my friends'.

My husbands mum, on the other hand, hugged us, sent DH down the road for a bottle of champagne, invited the family round for a celebratory take away and announced that that was exactly how her and her husband had married in the 1960s (we had no idea!).

We didn't get married in secret to hurt anyone, we did it this way so that we could have the wedding of our choice. Sadly, not all people have families full of love and kindness and a secret wedding is the easiest way to go.

Person_one

I think there's a huge difference between getting married in secret because you have fraught or difficult or non-existent relationships with close family, and getting married in secret when your family relationships are loving and close and and it's just 'what you want' for some reason.

Tiffany_Aching

Person_one wrote: »

I think there's a huge difference between getting married in secret because you have fraught or difficult or non-existent relationships with close family, and getting married in secret when your family relationships are loving and close and and it's just 'what you want' for some reason.

I agree with you, however I do think that a lot of family relationships that may look close to someone outside of the family - possibly to other members of the family - may not always be.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

I think there's a huge difference between getting married in secret because you have fraught or difficult or non-existent relationships with close family, and getting married in secret when your family relationships are loving and close and and it's just 'what you want' for some reason.

As a matter of interest...why should it have to be?

If its what you want presumably its what you want for some reason. Presumably there are reasons of other validity?

For us time was the most pressing reason, though certainly the increasing 'fraught' nature of strain the naming was having was relevant.

MrSmartprice

We told hardly anyone that we were getting married, and only very immediate family were invited to the register office, plus our closest friends as witnesses. This meant that there were 8 of us there.

MrsS chose not to invite, or even tell, any of her work colleagues until after the event. She swore her parents to secrecy because none of her other relatives were invited. And none of my relatives were invited either.

It was a wonderful, stress-free event, both the organising and the day itself. And it was very MSE too! We all retired to a hotel for a wonderful afternoon tea after the ceremony and had a great day. We would recommend doing this to anyone.:)

Person_one

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

I agree with you, however I do think that a lot of family relationships that may look close to someone outside of the family - possibly to other members of the family - may not always be.

That's definitely true, and I certainly think it would be wrong for anybody outside the situation and not in possession of all the information to start judging individual decisions.