Getting married and not telling anyone

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

n. Its only recently that they've started to get a bit competitive.

Yes, and its that which puts me off.

But then I'm odd. Everyone else loves the great British bake off and I've almost entirely lost motivation to bake baking since it entered common lexicon.

lutzi1

As a motherof a single daughter and a Registrar of Marriages I'd advise extreme caution on sloping off and getting married without telling at least your close family and particularly your parents, unless you have a REALLY strained relationship.

As Registrars, we see all sorts of weddings, and every single one is different. You can tell very quickly whether there's a happy vibe or not. We are also uniquely privileged in that we are the only ones who get to see the couple's faces for most of the ceremony. For so many couples it only gets "real" about half an hour before the ceremony, when we interview them, or when they're actually saying the words. Men are particularly emotional very often. You have no idea what you will feel at that moment until you get there. It isn't just a piece of paper, it's the most important promise/ contract you can ever enter into in your life, that will shape your life with the most far-reaching consequences. One day that person could be deciding whether to switch off your life support machine, so you'd better make a bl00dy good choice. It's probably a little bit different if it's a second wedding and you've been together for years, but nonetheless, please think before you act. We only get one chance to get it right, but more importantly, so do you. As a mother I would be utterly devastated if my daughter did this to us. You young people will only truly get that when you have children of your own.

The loveliest weddings I do aren't the ones that spend the most money, have the most guests or make the most fuss. They are the small ones where people have chosen what's real and important for them - a bunch of flowers out of the garden, some music that's significant or a reading someone has chosen or written that isn't just out of the suggestions on our website - and the couples can be anything from 18 to 80- odd. You don't need to make a big fuss, but seriously, think very hard indeed before you don't invite at least your immediate family and your very closest friends. You can always plead that budgetary pressures meant you could only invite a few if you want to keep it simple and not overpowering.

A wedding isn't just about the couple. When you marry someone you take on their family as well, whether you like it or not. It is a great tribute to my husband of 20-odd years that I married him in spite of his family, but I respect that they are his family and are part of the package. If you don't get that, then maybe you need to have a little think about whether you are ready for marriage.

lostinrates

lutzi1 wrote: »

As a motherof a single daughter and a Registrar of Marriages I'd advise extreme caution on sloping off and getting married without telling at least your close family and particularly your parents, unless you have a REALLY strained relationship.

As Registrars, we see all sorts of weddings, and every single one is different. You can tell very quickly whether there's a happy vibe or not. We are also uniquely privileged in that we are the only ones who get to see the couple's faces for most of the ceremony. For so many couples it only gets "real" about half an hour before the ceremony, when we interview them, or when they're actually saying the words. Men are particularly emotional very often. You have no idea what you will feel at that moment until you get there. It isn't just a piece of paper, it's the most important promise/ contract you can ever enter into in your life, that will shape your life with the most far-reaching consequences. One day that person could be deciding whether to switch off your life support machine, so you'd better make a bl00dy good choice. It's probably a little bit different if it's a second wedding and you've been together for years, but nonetheless, think before you act. We only get one chance to get it right, but more importantly, so do you. As a mother I would be utterly devastated if my daughter did this to us. You young people will only truly get that when you have children of your own.

The loveliest weddings I do aren't the ones that spend the most money, have the most guests or make the most fuss. They are the small ones where people have chosen what's real and important for them - a bunch of flowers out of the garden, some music that's significant or a reading someone has chosen or written that isn't just out of the suggestions on our website - and the couples can be anything from 18 to 80- odd. You don't need to make a big fuss, but seriously, think very hard indeed before you don't invite at least your immediate family and your very closest friends. You can always plead that budgetary pressures meant you could only invite few.

A wedding isn't just about the couple. When you marry someone you take on their family as well, whether you like it or not. It is a great tribute to my husband of 20-odd years that I married him in spite of his family, but I respect that they are his family and are part of the package. If you don't get that, then maybe you need to have a little think about whether you are ready for marriage.

I think this is lovely. As to the point about family, I think both DH and I would say at times we married inspire of each others families! In fact, that DH loves inhis family was a huge attraction of I'm for me.

That he, a quiet man, who loves everyone to be happy, was prepared to stand up to our families when they were pushing weight around was at least as much so. .

Fwiw, it was my husband who decided we should 'slink off'. We told our parents a few days before our plans, and celebrated with them and friends as and when we saw them by buying them a drink or sharing a meal.

lostinrates

Hehe, I used to sell cakes for extra cash, and yeah, I am fickle . I'd agree,


But what I hate is the way every thing seems to be so ...competitive. We cannot have a nice programme a bout baking , it has to be a competition.


I watched that bbc show about weddings, I cannot think what its called...that thing where the groom has to arrange it.....and its seemed the whole focus was if it would be 'good enough' for the bride...not that it was just happening and he'd tried. Everything is measured and found wanting, and I don't think its that healthy about our personal lives. In measures for self improvement and strides forward, fair enough, but for relationships and hobbies?

poet123

I love weddings, I have never been to one I didn't enjoy. Does that make me odd? We have two coming up and I am really looking forward to them both. Very different, one a budget affair, the other a no expense spared extravaganza.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

Hehe, I used to sell cakes for extra cash, and yeah, I am fickle . I'd agree,


But what I hate is the way every thing seems to be so ...competitive. We cannot have a nice programme a bout baking , it has to be a competition.

There's nothing actually wrong with having a competition, where its appropriate. Hobby baking seems like a reasonable candidate, and it couldn't be more good natured from what I've seen.

Life events, less appropriate.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

I love weddings, I have never been to one I didn't enjoy. Does that make me odd? We have two coming up and I am really looking forward to them both. Very different, one a budget affair, the other a no expense spared extravaganza.

It makes you lovely I should imagine.

balletshoes

lutzi1 wrote: »

As a motherof a single daughter and a Registrar of Marriages I'd advise extreme caution on sloping off and getting married without telling at least your close family and particularly your parents, unless you have a REALLY strained relationship.

.....We only get one chance to get it right, but more importantly, so do you. As a mother I would be utterly devastated if my daughter did this to us. You young people will only truly get that when you have children of your own.

As I've already said, I do have a daughter, and I honestly will support her decision, if she makes it with her OH, that they are having a quiet wedding with no family or friends invited.


A wedding isn't just about the couple. When you marry someone you take on their family as well, whether you like it or not. It is a great tribute to my husband of 20-odd years that I married him in spite of his family, but I respect that they are his family and are part of the package. If you don't get that, then maybe you need to have a little think about whether you are ready for marriage.

I disagree - a marriage is about respecting your OH's family, and vice versa, a wedding is a day, and a piece of paper (but granted, an important piece of paper).

I think a wedding should be the way the couple wants it.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

There's nothing actually wrong with having a competition, where its appropriate. Hobby baking seems like a reasonable candidate, and it couldn't be more good natured from what I've seen.

Life events, less appropriate.

Sorry, I realise this is going off topic, :D. but its what the programme represents, not just the programme. Baking competitions are very well established things, its not that, its that the competitive aspect was a thing people may or may not do in the summer or whatever, now its every time they bake a cake the self flagellation starts. I just don't see it as that great. ,much like as we watch more food tv many people cook less from scratch because they get Less confident not more.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

Sorry, I realise this is going off topic, :D. but its what the programme represents, not just the programme. Baking competitions are very well established things, its not that, its that the competitive aspect was a thing people may or may not do in the summer or whatever, now its every time they bake a cake the self flagellation starts. I just don't see it as that great. ,much like as we watch more food tv many people cook less from scratch because they get Less confident not more.

I'm pretty sure Bake Off has led to loads and loads of people taking up baking and having a bash who never would have otherwise. I was even tempted myself before I realised I'd just end up scoffing everything myself!