Getting married and not telling anyone

lutzi1

balletshoes wrote: »

I disagree - a marriage is about respecting your OH's family, and vice versa, a wedding is a day, and a piece of paper (but granted, an important piece of paper).

I think a wedding should be the way the couple wants it.

And the wedding is the day it all starts and sets the tone for the future. Why start out on the wrong foot? Of course the couple's wishes are very important indeed, but this selfish me-me-me attitude that seems so prevalent nowadays is a recipe for future unhappiness. A little thought, diplomacy and consideration go a very long way in life, and never more than on such an emotive occasion.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

I'm pretty sure Bake Off has led to loads and loads of people taking up baking and having a bash who never would have otherwise. I was even tempted myself before I realised I'd just end up scoffing everything myself!

Like weddings, horses for courses, eh?

lostinrates

lutzi1 wrote: »

And the wedding is the day it all starts and sets the tone for the future. Why start out on the wrong foot? Of course the couple's wishes are very important indeed, but this selfish me-me-me attitude that seems so prevalent nowadays is a recipe for future unhappiness. A little thought, diplomacy and consideration go a very long way in life, and never more than on such an emotive occasion.

Absolutely.

But why are you sure that your way is the right foot? I would say the me, me, me attitude is pretty prevalent in many 'larger' weddings. Some of the threads here for example have been fairly amusing.


I don't FEEL that selfish about this issue. (Maybe in life in general though I'd agree....) however One of my parents lives with us, for example, I'd say that's pretty unselfish.

For us the time we needed to set was the prioritising of our relationship and also pressingly for us, the time tale our family were setting was NOT suitable for us.

Not all families are blissful and not all arrangements are easy. I don't know are marriage will last for ever though.

balletshoes

like others on this thread, I can't get my head around the idea that a couple who want their wedding their way, if that includes not inviting their family and friends (for whatever reason the couple has for doing so), is any more selfish than a bride-and-groomzilla couple who want their wedding their way? Or indeed any bride and groom couple who have whatever kind of wedding of their choice?

I'm not a youngster either - I got married 11 years ago, and I'm closer to 50 (:eek:) than 40 now.

Gloomendoom

selfish
ˈ
adjective

(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Source

Georgiegirl256

balletshoes wrote: »

like others on this thread, I can't get my head around the idea that a couple who want their wedding their way, if that includes not inviting their family and friends (for whatever reason the couple has for doing so), is any more selfish than a bride-and-groomzilla couple who want their wedding their way? Or indeed any bride and groom couple who have whatever kind of wedding of their choice?

I'm not a youngster either - I got married 11 years ago, and I'm closer to 50 (:eek:) than 40 now.

Here here! The above makes total sense, and nobody can say otherwise IMO.

Georgiegirl256

[QUOTE=lutzi1;64527162


A wedding isn't just about the couple.[/QUOTE]

Erm....it is actually. You actually seem very judgemental to me.

duchy

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum felt bad to be excluded duchy, and it's sad to hear that she was upset by it all. But at the end of the day, even with families that are really close, is it still not your brothers overall decision on how he wanted his wedding to be?

Yes it was ...... but when I think this is the woman who gave up her cushy local part-time job at the age of 48 to work fulltime in London commuting daily , solely to pay his school fees after he got a scholarship for his first year of secondary school (but not the later years due to government madness over the comprehensive debate) , who despite hating golf would go and play with him when he needed to practice (she was a champion in her youth but hated the game in later years) amongst all the other things a parent does for their kids....... that tiny courtesy of telling her his plans .....seems a very small thing to do. I started off thinking not telling parents was just a little bit odd but on reflection I think in the absence of obvious reasons like a broken relationship or something else equally understandable....I've come to the conclusion it does seem to be selfishness and no regard or respect for parents who have loved and done their best for their children.

(Maybe I'm a little biased as despite the fact I am "eloping" sort of (my son is coming to give me away in Vegas) but OH's parents and kids know we are doing it....and I'd love to be able to tell my parents but they are both dead so I can't share it with them and I'm a tiny bit jealous of OH that he can with his)

duchy

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Erm....it is actually. You actually seem very judgemental to me.

I do wonder if people who think their wedding is all about them .....would be as content if parents then took no interest in grandchildren because it was "nothing to do with them" too.

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

Yes it was ...... but when I think this is the woman who gave up her cushy local part-time job at the age of 48 to work fulltime in London commuting daily , solely to pay his school fees after he got a scholarship for his first year of secondary school (but not the later years due to government madness over the comprehensive debate) , who despite hating golf would go and play with him when he needed to practice (she was a champion in her youth but hated the game in later years) amongst all the other things a parent does for their kids....... that tiny courtesy of telling her his plans .....seems a very small thing to do. I started off thinking not telling parents was just a little bit odd but on reflection I think in the absence of obvious reasons like a broken relationship or something else equally understandable....I've come to the conclusion it does seem to be selfishness and no regard or respect for parents who have loved and done their best for their children.

Even though I'm all for people having the wedding they want, and if that includes it just being the two of them then so be it, for what it's worth, After reading the above, I can totally understand where you are coming from, and I agree that it would have been nice for your brother to have at least informed your Mum of his plans (although I'm sure he had his reasons?) and I really feel for her, and can see why she would feel so hurt. Has she forgiven him now?

We had our parents there, not only because I knew they'd be so upset that they hadn't been invited (although my Mam did say she wouldn't have minded if we'd went to Vegas, I'm not totally sure if she meant it), but because we really wanted them there, and personally I couldn't have went ahead without them there. For them to be there was very important to me. If we had have just went off on our own, I think I probably would have told them first as I wouldn't have liked to spring that surprise on them after the event.