Getting married and not telling anyone

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

I do wonder if people who think their wedding is all about them .....would be as content if parents then took no interest in grandchildren because it was "nothing to do with them" too.

I didn't think my wedding was all about me....see reply above.

Edwardia

My SIL sloped off and got married on the quiet which upset her mother so when OH and I got engaged there was big pressure on us not to do the same.

MIL (horribly bossy anyway) stuck her nose on in anything and kept threatening not to come unless it was done her way.

I didn't want screaming kids but my bro brought his toddler daughter who screamed the whole way through the ceremony.

PH confessed on honeymoon that he told me he wanted to get married in church to please his mother.

My whole wedding day was ruined by everyone else and their agendas. Because they all wanted XYZ and it cost a lot, I ended up literally without any of my friends at my own wedding so OH's distant relies (whom we've never seen since) could come.

So I'd say, do what YOU want to do, don't give into the emotional blackmail of others and have a crap day you don't want to remember.

And if partner says I'll only get married if we do it this way, that's emotional blackmail too. It should be something you do together because both of you want to.

mumps

poet123 wrote: »

I love weddings, I have never been to one I didn't enjoy. Does that make me odd? We have two coming up and I am really looking forward to them both. Very different, one a budget affair, the other a no expense spared extravaganza.

No it just makes you you. I always think it is odd that people would expect everyone to be the same, just because I don't like weddings it doesn't mean you shouldn't. It certainly doesn't make you odd. Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same.

I never got the "the best day of your life" thing either. The day that stands out in my mind as the best day of my life is the day my first baby was put in my arms, the other three were pretty exciting as well. Obviously memorable doesn't have to mean glamorous for me. :rotfl:Just as well because I definitely wasn't. I did enjoy my wedding but it was very low key, in my family weddings tend to be one extreme or the other and everyone is very accepting of that. I think it is unfair that several people on here, not you, have made comments about people who go off and have a secret wedding not being close to family, families are all different and why judge?

Best family gathersing? For me Baptisms by a country mile. Everyone always seems happy at Baptisms, no catty remarks about the dress or how big the bridesmaid's bottom looks in that dress, did the bride pick it on purpose. Maybe I go to the wrong sort of weddings but there always seems to be someone with something to say. Look at this thread one person says that is too small a do, another doesn't like people spending alot. I've never heard that about Baptisms. I went to town planning the food, the party for my children. They were all wonderful days, they were all very different services, one was a quite eccentric old priest who was about to retire, one was young and trendy, one was very dignified and inspiring and one was just lovely, one of the nicest priests I have ever known. Special, special memories. But I know that wouldn't be the same for everyone, I know someone who went to a Baptism last year, she described it as the most boring day ever.

I've been to a fair few graduations, three of mine have graduated, two of them twice, child number four this year. I also go to some in connection with my job and I always enjoy them.

So I am not completely antisocial just have my own preferences and I am happy that you have yours. I hope both weddings go well.

mumps

Edwardia wrote: »

My SIL sloped off and got married on the quiet which upset her mother so when OH and I got engaged there was big pressure on us not to do the same.

MIL (horribly bossy anyway) stuck her nose on in anything and kept threatening not to come unless it was done her way.

I didn't want screaming kids but my bro brought his toddler daughter who screamed the whole way through the ceremony.

PH confessed on honeymoon that he told me he wanted to get married in church to please his mother.

My whole wedding day was ruined by everyone else and their agendas. Because they all wanted XYZ and it cost a lot, I ended up literally without any of my friends at my own wedding so OH's distant relies (whom we've never seen since) could come.

So I'd say, do what YOU want to do, don't give into the emotional blackmail of others and have a crap day you don't want to remember.

And if partner says I'll only get married if we do it this way, that's emotional blackmail too. It should be something you do together because both of you want to.

Your post made me want to cry. I am so sorry it was all spoiled for you. Sounds like your SIL had the right idea but just made it harder for you. But I hope your and you husband are happy and that it hasn't caused you any problems. Is it to soon to look back at it all and laugh? Lots of things in my life that seemed like disasters at the time make me laugh now.

Your advice is very appropriate.

wondercollie

We got married by a Marriage Commissionaire and went home two days later and told both families. My mother refused to believe it until she saw the certificate.

It was a second marriage for both of us. We'd each had a white wedding and wanted something smaller. My best friend daughter had never been to a wedding, so I said I'd get her a bunch of flowers and she could stand next to me. My pal thought it was the best idea ever. Flash forward two months and my future SIL decided that her 3 daughters would be my flower girls and started sending me dress ideas for me to buy for her girls. Where she thought we should have the reception, etc.


So we did what we did. and to this day, 25 years later, my pals daughter still hasn't been a bridesmaid.


That's my only regret.

balletshoes

duchy wrote: »

I do wonder if people who think their wedding is all about them .....would be as content if parents then took no interest in grandchildren because it was "nothing to do with them" too.

there seem to have been plenty of threads on here about that very thing duchy - i wonder how many of the grandparents were invited and present at the parents' weddings?

I don't see them as the same kind of thing - if we're talking about not telling your parents that you're getting married, surely a similar situation would be not telling your parents they had grandchildren?

If we're talking about parents not being involved in your wedding plans, I still think thats up to the couple who are getting married, because to some of us, regardless of how close we are to our immediate family, a wedding is a formality (with the chance to dress up a bit if you feel like it ).

FWIW, I do agree that it wouldn't have felt right to me not to tell my parents before I got married, what my wedding plans were. So I did. But I won't judge others if they don't - their reasons are their reasons.

It does seem to me, no matter what kind of wedding you have, someone will always have something to say about it, so you might as well have the wedding of your choice.

lostinrates

duchy wrote: »

I do wonder if people who think their wedding is all about them .....would be as content if parents then took no interest in grandchildren because it was "nothing to do with them" too.

Hmm, this is interesting. My bil is having a problem ATM because his father (one of the parents who was very pushy in our wedding plans) is also over stepping what they feel are his boundaries as a grandparent. They are concerned not to hurt his feelings, recognised his importance in their child's life and are thrilled about it, but also are finding it hard to draw boundaries in JUST this situation.

Maybe the 'problems' of boundaries (too close, too far, too poorly defined) related to all aspects of life not just one? That's pretty much my experience.

Tiffany_Aching

Gloomendoom wrote: »

selfish
ˈ
adjective

(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Source

This definition fits both sides of the discussion.

The couple getting married could be seen as 'lacking consideration for other people' when they have an unannounced wedding. Equally, the family members who feel upset as they were denied the chance to take part in this unannounced wedding are lacking consideration for the couples thoughts and feelings about how they wish to get married.

Each situation is individual and a blanket labeling of 'being selfish' to either side of the discussion does not take into account the couples families, personalities, who is paying for the wedding etc. ....the list is endless.

lostinrates

mumps wrote: »

No it just makes you you. I always think it is odd that people would expect everyone to be the same, just because I don't like weddings it doesn't mean you shouldn't. It certainly doesn't make you odd. Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same.

I never got the "the best day of your life" thing either. The day that stands out in my mind as the best day of my life is the day my first baby was put in my arms, the other three were pretty exciting as well. Obviously memorable doesn't have to mean glamorous for me. :rotfl:Just as well because I definitely wasn't. I did enjoy my wedding but it was very low key, in my family weddings tend to be one extreme or the other and everyone is very accepting of that. I think it is unfair that several people on here, not you, have made comments about people who go off and have a secret wedding not being close to family, families are all different and why judge?

Best family gathersing? For me Baptisms by a country mile. Everyone always seems happy at Baptisms, no catty remarks about the dress or how big the bridesmaid's bottom looks in that dress, did the bride pick it on purpose. Maybe I go to the wrong sort of weddings but there always seems to be someone with something to say. Look at this thread one person says that is too small a do, another doesn't like people spending alot. I've never heard that about Baptisms. I went to town planning the food, the party for my children. They were all wonderful days, they were all very different services, one was a quite eccentric old priest who was about to retire, one was young and trendy, one was very dignified and inspiring and one was just lovely, one of the nicest priests I have ever known. Special, special memories. But I know that wouldn't be the same for everyone, I know someone who went to a Baptism last year, she described it as the most boring day ever.

I've been to a fair few graduations, three of mine have graduated, two of them twice, child number four this year. I also go to some in connection with my job and I always enjoy them.

So I am not completely antisocial just have my own preferences and I am happy that you have yours. I hope both weddings go well.

I've been to very few baptisms, I think two. ( maybe more as a child and not including my own!). I think they would be lovely gatherings. Sadly, they are not applicable to all families. .

Jackie132

This didn't happen in my life. But however, I would like to say that there is nothing bad in wearing ring. You should plan your wedding like people usually prefer. You should celebrate it with your parents and relatives.