I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

Blackpool_Saver

spamalot wrote: »

the youngest one draping herself over my husband to the point that it is obscene,

Very common in step families, as is the arriving without suitable clothing.

**professor~yaffle**

OP's house, OP's rules. If they resent her being there they don't have to come, but at 16 and 19 (..19 FGS?!) they are well and truly old enough to understand that it isn't just their dad's house , that he re-married 8 years ago, and more to the point, it isn't their house! Does this absurd behaviour go on at when they're at their mum's, I wonder?

neverdespairgirl

FBaby wrote: »

but unfortunately you are. My DS who is 11 will still come and seat on my lap sometimes and give me a huge affectionate hug. When we walk all together and I hold my hubby's hand, he will come and want to hold my hand too. It is totally natural and there is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is that YOU rise to it and see it as a competitive gesture. It is only because she knows that it gets to you that she gives you that look.

My son's the same, too - he's 8. And OH doesn't mind at all, but then it's his son, too. I think that's normal behaviour, and dislike the characterisation of touching between parents and offspring as "obscene" at all. I hug my Dad, too, and I'm all grown up. I'd hate it if this was seen as deviant.

sassyblue

Not sure it's been asked/answered but did your relationship with DH cause the split with their mum? If so l can understand why they were 'off' initially, and they've never got out of that mindset?

I agree with others, stop pandering to them, let hubby do the cooking for them when baby arrives, hopefully he'll soon get fed up with cooking to order.

I think now with baby arriving is a great time for starting as you mean to go on, if they get on your nerves you can go for a lie down in your bedroom.... Do you have a tv up there? Take a cuppa and chill out, store a book or magazine up there too.

I think your hubby needs to grow a pair tbh, why doesn't he find it inappropriate to let his late teenage children sit on his knee? He shouldn't let these girls into your home to be rude to you, daughters or not - wouldn't he find their behaviour acceptable if they were normal dinner guests?

Good luck with baby btw xx

balletshoes

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

OP's house, OP's rules. If they resent her being there they don't have to come, but at 16 and 19 (..19 FGS?!) they are well and truly old enough to understand that it isn't just their dad's house , that he re-married 8 years ago, and more to the point, it isn't their house! Does this absurd behaviour go on at when they're at their mum's, I wonder?

all that would be fine, except that the OP is not supported in any of this by her OH, who also lives there, and is the girls' Dad.

balletshoes

sassyblue wrote: »

Not sure it's been asked/answered but did your relationship with DH cause the split with their mum? If so l can understand why they were 'off' initially, and they've never got out of that mindset?

I agree with others, stop pandering to them, let hubby do the cooking for them when baby arrives, hopefully he'll soon get fed up with cooking to order.

I think now with baby arriving is a great time for starting as you mean to go on, if they get on your nerves you can go for a lie down in your bedroom.... Do you have a tv up there? Take a cuppa and chill out, store a book or magazine up there too.

I think your hubby needs to grow a pair tbh, why doesn't he find it inappropriate to let his late teenage children sit on his knee?
He shouldn't let these girls into your home to be rude to you, daughters or not -
wouldn't he find their behaviour acceptable if they were normal dinner guests?

Good luck with baby btw xx

are they being rude, or simply uncommunicative teenagers? If they don't want a relationship with the OP, then they're not being rude by giving one-word answers - they're being teenagers. And they're not dinner guests - they are visiting their Dad.

Buzzybee90

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

My son's the same, too - he's 8. And OH doesn't mind at all, but then it's his son, too. I think that's normal behaviour, and dislike the characterisation of touching between parents and offspring as "obscene" at all. I hug my Dad, too, and I'm all grown up. I'd hate it if this was seen as deviant.

My family are the people I show affection to. Apart from my other half of course. Life is nothing without cuddles

Blackpool_Saver

balletshoes wrote: »

all that would be fine, except that the OP is not supported in any of this by her OH, who also lives there, and is the girls' Dad.

Yes this is nearly always the problem, the Dad is scared to upset the kids or the ex, he will either be denied contact, ostracised, demonised, OR the ex will demand more child support. The arriving without clothes is a way of making the ex pay for more, or to disrupt the new household. These exes know exactly what they are doing and the kids grow up copying them.

Blackpool_Saver

sassyblue wrote: »

let hubby do the cooking for them

I tried this, never once did anyone ask why he wasn't making the meals, the kids, their Dad and the ex thought I was the bad one, I was so evil as I had stopped cooking for the skids. You cannot win in these situations.
I know this is sad to hear but I would leave now, get set up elsewhere and raise your child away from this dysfunction.

spamalot

I want to make it clear i have absolutely nothing against cuddles! When YSD was younger, she and DH would snuggle up on the sofa watching a film, I put a blanket over them so they were more comfortable. I'm not some evil witch who thinks they shouldn't touch!!!

It's the change in the nature of the cuddling and hand holding from YSD in particular that concerns me, like its not genuine but a power play and is quite aggressive. It's difficult to explain what I mean, especially if you are not in a step parent household. It probably doesn't happen in regular families, which is why some posters have gone, urrgh OP what are you thinking, how can you suggest such a thing, shame on you!!! Burn her!! At least my sense of humour has come back :-)

I'm not trying to stop DH from having a relationship with them and I'm not trying to push them out of the picture because I am having a baby, I think that's a very easy assumption to jump to tbh. I'm trying to be true to myself by being honest about how I'm feeling and standing up for myself a bit more, rather than being a doormat.

I did not contribute to their parents divorce so they can't pin that one on me! DH barely lived at home when they were young (he was in the forces and mum didnt want to move around on postings with him) so they didn't have years of an unbroken relationship with their dad before the spilt, which was instigated by their mother. I'm not trying to play the martyr but my parents divorce was significantly more traumatic than what they have had to endure. I would never have been allowed to act the way they do in my dad's or mum's house, but everyone seems to think its okay because they are children of divorce.

It's not the volume of texts/emails/phone calls, it's the constant discussing every little detail aspect. Plus all the gooey baby talk which they use, which is strange for girls of their age. I'm sure I will be in regular contact with my baby when it's older, I just won't feel the need to share every aspect and speak in a strange pseudo baby manner. They have been infantilised and don't seem to want to grow up.