I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

Tiglath

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

The arriving without clothes is a way of making the ex pay for more, or to disrupt the new household.

Yes we had a spate of that in the very early days after I arrived on the scene - they'd turn up with a rucksack of dirty tattered clothes that I would wash (or mend or replace). There was a silly separation of what belonged to which house, right down to toys and toiletries (not initiated by us). It stopped when I accidentally turned a new item pink that belonged to the 'other' house. After that it all relaxed a lot (except the ex banned me from doing any more of their laundry - she and I laugh about it now as we get on very well).

sassyblue

balletshoes wrote: »

are they being rude, or simply uncommunicative teenagers? If they don't want a relationship with the OP, then they're not being rude by giving one-word answers - they're being teenagers. And they're not dinner guests - they are visiting their Dad.

By dinner guests l was referring to the cooking arrangements, lack of thanks. But my point is still valid - would hubby mind normal guests coming into his home and being as ungrateful and uncommunicative, l bet not.

sassyblue

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I tried this, never once did anyone ask why he wasn't making the meals, the kids, their Dad and the ex thought I was the bad one, I was so evil as I had stopped cooking for the skids. You cannot win in these situations.

I wouldn't look at it as winning or losing, if you made it clear to the kids, their dad and the ex WHY you stopped cooking for them their responses are just froth and bubble to be ignored.

You were right in your actions.

Jinx

ska_lover wrote: »

Accusing your 16 year old step daughter of draping herself over her own father in an obscene way - this suggests you are jealous to the point of madness, of the step daughters!

You are implying that she has sexual feelings towards her Dad, and that he is encouraging it.......You really need to think about what you are saying!!!!

I don't think the OP is suggesting the daughter has sexual feelings for her dad. I think she is feeling pushed out in her own home and feels the daughter interprets the dads attention as something to be competed over.

My daughter went through a phase about age 13 of sitting on her dads lap when she was around her step mother. It made her dad (and me when I heard) very uncomfortable. We had a long chat about affection and boundaries and it was almost like directly confronting it resolved it. Years on and she has happy relationships with her dad, step mum and brother.

Pricivius

Step-families are difficult. There are many ways to approach them, reconsider the approach and take a different tack. As a child of divorce, I reckon it's time to take stock, reconsider and try something else. Things are going to change anyway with the new baby arriving soon so may as well lay your cards on the table.

I would call a family conference next time they are with you. Discuss with hubby in advance and get him on board. They are old enough to be treated as adults so I would have a mature adult conversation. Draw a line under the past and discuss moving forward. You have a few options, but I would suggest taking a step back. Make sure they know you are there for them, happy to talk with them, support them, spend time with them and be a step-mum for them, whatever that means to them. And then I would let them come to you. No more bending over backwards with meals and tv shows; they can discuss menus with you, help you cook, discuss and reach compromise on tv programmes etc...

As for the baby, I would let them know they can be as involved as they want to be with their little brother or sister. They can suggest names, help pick outfits and change nappies... or none of the above. Up to them, but he or she will always be their little sibling and will love them and look up to them no matter what.

In other words, redress the balance and give them some control over the situation, not just the tv and the oven. Let them make some grown up decisions.

Just one more view...! Good luck, OP!

Mojisola

Pricivius wrote: »

In other words, redress the balance and give them some control over the situation, not just the tv and the oven. Let them make some grown up decisions.

I think the situation is untenable because they already have far too much control over the situation!

ska_lover

Jinx wrote: »

I don't think the OP is suggesting the daughter has sexual feelings for her dad. I think she is feeling pushed out in her own home and feels the daughter interprets the dads attention as something to be competed over.

My daughter went through a phase about age 13 of sitting on her dads lap when she was around her step mother. It made her dad (and me when I heard) very uncomfortable. We had a long chat about affection and boundaries and it was almost like directly confronting it resolved it. Years on and she has happy relationships with her dad, step mum and brother.

I really do not understand why a 13 year old sitting on her dads lap would make anyone uncomfortable at all to be honest.

Brighton_belle

Pricivius wrote: »

I would call a family conference next time they are with you. Discuss with hubby in advance and get him on board.

Such a simple line to write ...

Jinx

ska_lover wrote: »

I really do not understand why a 13 year old sitting on her dads lap would make anyone uncomfortable at all to be honest.

Because any action that makes either party feel uncomfortable is inappropriate and especially when it is done to stake a claim over 'territory'.

Mojisola

ska_lover wrote: »

I really do not understand why a 13 year old sitting on her dads lap would make anyone uncomfortable at all to be honest.

It depends on what's "normal" within different families. Even when we were growing up, I can't think of any children of that age sitting on adults' laps.