I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

paulineb_2

I wonder if they treat their stepfather with as much negativity as they seem to treat you. This is your husbands issue. If he made it clear that they needed to show you a bit more respect this issue wouldn't be half as bad. It's not about competition, it's about being treated with basic manners and not being made to feel like a spare part in your own home.

And he's allowing it. You've to make all the effort while they wipe their feet all over you. And you are 33 weeks pregnant.

I wouldn't blame you for questioning the state of your marriage.

ERICS_MUM

After all these years since splitting up he seems to be over-compensating with his girls. He's not doing them any favours.

**professor~yaffle**

It sounds like the girls never really got over their parents splitting up. I don't know if OP was the reason for the split or if she came on the scene later on, but if the parents split up 9 or 10 years ago the girls would have been about 7 and 10, which is old enough to be affected badly by it all.

However, what's done is done, and I don't think their dad's doing them any favours by infantilising them or allowing this behaviour to continue.

Step-families are best avoided if at all possible!

spamalot

I didn't contribute to the split! Their mum told their dad she wanted a divorce before I ever met DH.

I wish people wouldn't leap to the assumption that I'm to blame for the split.

securityguy

spamalot wrote: »

I didn't contribute to the split! Their mum told their dad she wanted a divorce before I ever met DH.

HIs children may not see it like that.

And, although I'm sure your situation is different, every single person I've known who has left X and moved in with Y later, claiming not to have met Y prior to the split, turned out to be being economical with the actualitie. Obviously not in your case, but if you assume that anyone who claims not to have been involved in their partner's divorce is lying, you'll be right an awful lot more than you're wrong. The children presumably realise that.

**professor~yaffle**

spamalot wrote: »

I didn't contribute to the split! Their mum told their dad she wanted a divorce before I ever met DH.

I wish people wouldn't leap to the assumption that I'm to blame for the split.

Fairy nuff, I wasn't leaping to the assumption, just wondering what might have been the cause of all this. I think those [STRIKE]girls[/STRIKE] women need to grow up and face the fact that their dad is now with someone else. Their behaviour and his seems bizarre and inappropriate. I don't envy you.

daisiegg

securityguy wrote: »

HIs children may not see it like that.

And, although I'm sure your situation is different, every single person I've known who has left X and moved in with Y later, claiming not to have met Y prior to the split, turned out to be being economical with the actualitie. Obviously not in your case, but if you assume that anyone who claims not to have been involved in their partner's divorce is lying, you'll be right an awful lot more than you're wrong. The children presumably realise that.

I think you need to be more specific about 'later'...my husband broke up with his ex and then about 8 years later moved in with me....I assure you, I had nothing to do with the split! I was a teenager living on the other side of the country at the time... :rotfl:

FBaby

Yes this is nearly always the problem, the Dad is scared to upset the kids or the ex, he will either be denied contact, ostracised, demonised, OR the ex will demand more child support. The arriving without clothes is a way of making the ex pay for more, or to disrupt the new household. These exes know exactly what they are doing and the kids grow up copying them.

Or maybe the dad WANT it all and has enough that his wanting to spend quality time with his kid is questioned by his wife. The way a man feels towards his kids is nothing like what his new wife will do. Yet it seems at times that this is what is expected of them the second the wife has gained her territory. First she accepts things, go along with it to gain her place, and then when she got it, everything has to become her way because that what suits HER.

I'm not saying that it the case for you OP, but it would seem to be for other posters.

exactly, it's like animals peeing on territory. I do have some sympathy for the children who can only see their Dad occasionally BUT even so the Dad needs to grow a pair

What a sad thing to write. If my husband dared thinking like this about my children, he would be out of the door in less than two seconds.

Put your foot down. Tell them if they are going to act like little children you will treat them as such. You get to choose tv meals etc and if you let them have input they should be grateful . Don't let ten lend your clothes. No kore presents and remind them they have a new brother or sister coming soon so you will be a family forever

So it was ok to act like this for years, rewarded year on year because it also suited the parents, but now because OP has a change of heart, everthing that had become the norm should change? All she risks doing this is definitely getting the dad turn against her because unless he totally agrees with her (which clearly he isn't), it will just give him more reason to consider OP as the bad guy. I personally think this is the worse thing you can do.

OP, just one thing I've picked up, you seem to compare your SD a lot to yourself and judge their actions/behaviour on that basis. Remember that everyone is different. You can assume that because the divorce of your parents were in your eyes more traumatic that you were more affected then them. You can't assume that because you have a certain relationship with you dad and that it is working well that your SD should have the same with your husband.

As an aside, YSD did try to do it in the pub over Christmas with her grandad, dirty looks and all, this time DH noticed it first and mentioned it to me afterwards saying how uncomfortable it made him feel ( I think he for once got the same looks I did because he was sat next to me talking to his mum about the baby because she'd asked us some questions). I thought that by him noticing we'd made some progress but it just goes straight back to the same pattern as soon as they come over again

So now you know it is not about YOU and being defiant towards YOU. It's a behaviour issues that is up for her parents to decide if they think it warrants dealing with. Why are you getting involve in it? All it is doing is upsetting you. Let it go. It's not about you but about them and they are not your responsibility.

Last night I told DH that I'm backing off, he did this sort of wounded puppy dog look and accused me of always seeing the girls in a bad light, which is not true.

Are you sure it is not true? It is how it comes across here. Are you sure you haven't fallen into the trap of only focussing on the negatives? Whether it is true or not, this is how he perceives it, so your attention should be on why is sees it like this if it is not the case.

You will soon have plenty on your plate with your baby and you will need your hubby by your side. As it's been said, you only see the girls once a month and they won't be around long. Is it really worth risking your marriage over this? Forget all the negatives, let them be.

Georgiegirl256

skyrocket wrote: »

But the OP says there is something territorial and strange about the way this step daughter is draping herself over her father. She gives her dirty looks while doing it, she is doing it as a territorial thing.
So whereas there is an innocence to you sitting on your dads knee Georgiegirl, the motivation doesn't seem to be the same for the step daughter (not saying it is a sexual motivation though).

Yeah, totally agree, see that's what I meant by jealousy. Apparently (after quickly skim reading the OP's new response!) the OP isn't jealous (according to her), but that's possibly what the step daughter is trying to do, make her jealous, nothing sleezy about it as the OP was trying to suggest.

barbiedoll

I wonder what the girls' relationship with their stepfather is really like?
If their mother has been with him for a few years and YSD says that she "likes him", then why is she still hankering for her mum and dad to be together?

I know that divorce can affect children very badly, my parents split when I was young so I can understand what they've been through. But this constant clinging onto dad, trying to undermine OP and the infantile behaviour would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Why can't they speak about their home life? Why are they not allowed to comment about their mum and stepdad? Are they hiding something? Are there issues of domestic violence perhaps? Their father should be able to talk to them about what is going on in their lives at their other home, I can understand that no-one wants gossip going back and forth but after 8 years, what is there to gossip about?

The clothes thing should stop immediately. Keep a coat for each of them at your home, I know that teenagers are notoriously bad at wearing weather-appropriate clothing at the best of times. But to open your wardrobe to them is giving them too much leeway. I started this with my DSD. I was forever "lending" her my tops and coats, most of which she took home with her. Then I saw a FB photo with one of her mates wearing my jumper!

Stop with the presents and special meals. You won't have the time or energy to cope with that soon anyway. And don't push your baby onto them, if they are interested, they will come to you.

Tell your OH to grow a backbone and start taking a proper interest in his girl's lives. Texts and phonecalls are all very well but he needs to know how their lives are when they are at home. It shouldn't be some big secret, him and his ex have shared parental rights, he is entitled to know that his children are safe and happy where they are living. There's something behind all this, I don't buy the jealousy thing, not after all this time.