I'm not an evil step mum please be kind!

FBaby

One word answer: not unusual for teenagers
Evil looks: again, depends on what the look actually is, rolling eyes also seem typical teenage behaviour

feeling like an outsider in own home: could be their behaviour, could be how OP interprets their behaviour, could be how her OH makes her feel.

In any case, I don't think this is the type of behaviour that warrants getting seriously upset other. It would be another issue if they said nasty things, or did things behind her back, destroyed her property etc...

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think the behaviour described is polite.

The second bolded is not a description of their behaviour, but of the OP's feelings.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

One word answer: not unusual for teenagers
Evil looks: again, depends on what the look actually is, rolling eyes also seem typical teenage behaviour

feeling like an outsider in own home: could be their behaviour, could be how OP interprets their behaviour, could be how her OH makes her feel.

In any case, I don't think this is the type of behaviour that warrants getting seriously upset other. It would be another issue if they said nasty things, or did things behind her back, destroyed her property etc...

I think it's like bullying - it's on-going and insidious and eats away at you, little by little - each incident is minor but it's the accumulation that causes upset.

When it happens in your own home and you're not getting any support from your OH, it's all the worse.

bagpussbear

I think the sitting on the lap thing isn't a sexual thing, it's a dominance thing. This man is 'mine'!

I think there is more fault with your husband that the daughters to be honest. For instance if your hubby felt uncomfortable with the lap thing, then he should have put a stop to it, albeit in a sensitive way or even jokey 'goodness you're too big for that sweetie' type comment.

But like I said before you also have enabled the situation for too long. Things must change!

This has proved an interesting thread to read through for sure. My husband is the step-dad to my son, and its not easy for any of us at times.

Like someone else has already pointed out, they are probably only there once or twice before the baby comes. You need to take yourself off to your bedroom for most of it, watch tv, read and rest up doing what you want/enjoy and say the pregnancy is making you feel exhausted. Your hubby will just have to sort dinner, do the bedding etc etc. Perhaps your hubby could ask one of the girls to get you a tea/coffee from time to time, do they offer things like that at the moment?

I do worry for you after the baby comes to be honest as it won't be an easy time. But like I said before, you need to take more control of your household particularly when the baby is here and you need to get into the new routine. Hubby and the girls will need to help out and actually you could find they love the new baby and you might see a different side to them (hopefully!)

Given their age, its possible the monthly visits will stop in a year or two as they go on to form their own lives etc. Hopefully things will have resolved themselves to be a more respectful/tolerant situation by then.

balletshoes

spamalot wrote: »

Ballabriggs,

Thanks for your post. Tbh I am worried about PND given all this tension. I feel like I don't have a voice that anyone is listening to and that I'm just suppose to shut up. Maybe I am, but that doesn't come without consequences.

I think my withdrawing for a while might be the only thing that will get us through right now and let DH and I get back on an even keel. He can see them on his own.

I agree with you completely spamalot - otherwise whats the alternative? A total split from your OH, permanently?

sassyblue

spamalot wrote: »

I didn't contribute to the split! Their mum told their dad she wanted a divorce before I ever met DH.

I wish people wouldn't leap to the assumption that I'm to blame for the split.

I haven't seen anyone leap to that assumption. You've been asked twice (once by me) if that was the case and could explain the girls behaviour.

FBaby

I think it's like bullying - it's on-going and insidious and eats away at you, little by little - each incident is minor but it's the accumulation that causes upset.

FGS, here is an adult dealing with teenagers who she sees once a month for a couple of days. She doesn't have to spend time with them, or do anything for them. That's not bullying.

The feeling I get is that deep inside, it's not so much the behaviour of the teenagers that upset OP, more that her OH is not suporting her and he is not supporting her because he doesn't agree with her. That's the real issue and what needs tackling one way or the other.

sassyblue

FBaby wrote: »

FGS, here is an adult dealing with teenagers who she sees once a month for a couple of days. She doesn't have to spend time with them, or do anything for them. That's not bullying.

The feeling I get is that deep inside, it's not so much the behaviour of the teenagers that upset OP, more that her OH is not suporting her and he is not supporting her because he doesn't agree with her. That's the real issue and what needs tackling one way or the other.

Are there rules about how long you need to be in someone's company before they can be deemed as bullies?

Habitual dominating behaviour is bullying.

FBaby

In that case, I think we could conclude just about every parent is bullied by their kids.

I don't want to undermine how OP is feeling, but starting to refer to what she is experiencing as bullying is not going to help. I can imagine how her OH would react if she start mentioning that word!

Lieja

My OH's daughter likes to mark her 'territory' with her dad too, it's natural. The difference is she's only seven years old! These girls do sound very young for their age - young adults should be able to understand how their actions might make somebody feel, especially their pregnant stepmum!

OH's daughter's favourite is to pull our hands apart if OH and I are holding hands, to which we never say anything, I just take my hand away to allow her to hold it and I go around the other side to take that one!

I've been made to feel like a guest in my own house at times by OH's family, particularly his mother who encourages spoilt behaviour by his DD. The difference in my situation is that OH totally listens when I explain my feelings and acts on them to modify this behaviour - to the extent that he wouldn't allow his mum in the house for a while!

In your current situation you definitely need to spend some time with yourself away from the stressful situation, but in the long term your partner really needs to start looking at things from your perspective. Relate is probably a good place to start.

Hugs to OP